Need a little tiny bit of help, please

[The Artist formerly known as Opal]

I'm writing a book. Now, you may well wonder how I have the time to do this, with all of my other art projects. Well, that's where you come in. I have these wonderful, erotic, and of course, artistic ideas for the great novel, but I need a tiny bit of help with some of the more, well, tedious, details.

So - basic plot is that it's about a gorgeous vegan vampyre, who does erotic dancing and performance art projects as well. Her name is... Lapo. Men swoon in her presence. Women desire her as well. All are in awe of her talent, her sexuality and desirability.

So, what I need from you is some help with some minor details -

like "what happens". It seems that novels need to have some level of action, things happening. And other characters, too. I know that there will need to be other characters, but other than the basic framework of "male lead who desires Lapo", I'm drawing a blank. It's an artistic blank, of course, but there it is.

Any help?

[WednesdayAddams]

So - basic plot is that it's about a gorgeous vegan vampyre...
How does that work, exactly?

[The Artist formerly known as Opal]

What do you mean?

[Parthenokinesis]

Does the hot vamp eat the paintings you make with your vag dribble blood?

[WednesdayAddams]

What do you mean?
Well, being a vampire, doesn't she ingest human blood? As in, animal protein? Or does she only drink from catatonic patients on full life support?

[The Artist formerly known as Opal]

Hmmm. Well, she's vegan because that's the moral high road, and she happens to be a vampyre, too. Who says vampyres have to drink blood, anyhow? that's just gross. It may be true for vampires, but I can't believe that it's true for vampyres.

Anyhow, that's not helping. I asked for help, remember?

[Mr. Plumbean]

Maybe she's not a vampire. Maybe she's.... a shark! Not that. Not that. Well, yeah. That.

[Rat Diva]

What do you mean?
Well, being a vampire, doesn't she ingest human blood? As in, animal protein? Or does she only drink from catatonic patients on full life support?

Maybe she's like Bunnicula and only sucks the juice out of vegetables?

If I wrote a book like that I'd call it Blood from Turnips.

[Fenris]

I've got an idea twice as good as Cricetus's: She's two (2) sharks. And one of them is vegan and good, but one is a carnivore* and therefore evil.


*Which, of course, is against nature

[bufftabby]

The book ends with the carnivorous shark realizing the error of her ways and eating herself!! Whoa! It's like a total, like, mind-fuck, ya know? It is literally allegorical!

[Fenris]

I love that, but let's tweak it--the Dark Shark* doesn't eat herself and starves to death because she's realized that eating flesh, even her own! is as bad as Nazis making Jews into lampshades! The good shark joins her hunger-strike and dies too and they're both happily accepted into Gaia's welcoming arms, and given all the chocolate coated peanutbutter candies** they want.


*Dark=Bad...is that racist? I think it's racist. Let's stick with carnivorous shark...although carnivorous has "I" and "Us" in it...so does that mean we all share the guilt of meat-eattery?

**Which are NOT named after a deer's eyeballs, thankyewverymuch

[bufftabby]

See, you make the Good/Vegan shark the Dark One, and the Evil/Unnatural/Flesh-consuming* shark the Light One. Fighting racism, one Mind! Fuck! at a time.




*"flesh-consuming" only has "u" in it to feel guilty. Ohhh!

[elmwood]

It seems that novels need to have some level of action, things happening.

Juggling?

[Veb]

It seems that novels need to have some level of action, things happening.

Juggling?
Ooooh, well done! ::applauds madly::

You fiends made me read that fiasco. I thought you were kidding. The glut of paranormal dreck right now is bad enough, not the least because most of it is Mary Sue erotica with massive doses of unconvincing "romance". Gee, monsters can be really sexy but they're also really, really, like, loving and good, deep down inside. It's just updated Rebel Without A Cause shlock, only with fangs (or fur) instead of black leather jackets and motorcycles.

All the subgenre lacked was...Opal. Yep, vegan stripper vampire. That'll work.

[Lazlo]

Make her a vagitarian and describe everything in explicit detail.

It'll sell itself.


What do you mean that's what you're already doing?

[Fenris]

Juggling?
Ooooh, well done! ::applauds madly::

You fiends made me read that fiasco. I thought you were kidding. The glut of paranormal dreck right now is bad enough, not the least because most of it is Mary Sue erotica with massive doses of unconvincing "romance". Gee, monsters can be really sexy but they're also really, really, like, loving and good, deep down inside. It's just updated Rebel Without A Cause shlock, only with fangs (or fur) instead of black leather jackets and motorcycles.

All the subgenre lacked was...Opal. Yep, vegan stripper vampire. That'll work.

There was a series of books by....um...Hamilton? Someone Hamilton. About a vampire hunter chick...but not a Buffy type, a kick-ass Ripley (from Aliens) type. The first few were freakin' wonderful because her reaction was "Ew...sleep with dead fang-y guys or werewolves? Yuk." Unfortunately about book 4 or so, she started becoming a monster-slut.

[Lazlo]

Laurel K. Hamilton. Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter. Utter dreck.

[blank]

How about making the lead character a Tampyre- She only drinks from menstruating women...


What?

[bufftabby]

I've actually read something very much like that, in some crappy horror anthology.

[BJMoose]

Let's see. So far we have a Vampyre Shark named Lapa (with an evil twin, perhaps named Opal) who's into menstrual cunnilingus and juggling balls while performing exotic dances (for variety she performs some sort of Exotic Turnip Kink). Her boyfriend, Steffen Kingfish, is an Art Deco chef with liver spots.









I gotta give up Tequila Saturday Nights.

[Bleargh]

<snip>

like "what happens". It seems that novels need to have some level of action, things happening. And other characters, too. I know that there will need to be other characters, but other than the basic framework of "male lead who desires Lapo", I'm drawing a blank. It's an artistic blank, of course, but there it is.

Any help?
How about all the blearghs bleargh at the bleargh store, then go off and bleargh each other? Maybe throw in some blearghing in the bleargh.

[Veb]

How about all the blearghs bleargh at the bleargh store, then go off and bleargh each other? Maybe throw in some blearghing in the bleargh.
Mod note:
This is the most boring novelty sock ever. Back to The Box.

[eleanorigby]

Aren't the vampires in Twilight vegetarian? I can't remember...something about they're vegetarian because they don't eat humans (but do kill and eat animals).*




I think there needs to be a twist in this novel wherein Lapo stumbles upon a primitive Amazonian tribe and becomes their goddess. And at the end of the book, she is awakened by the cops coming to take her away and she realizes it was all a dream....









*Yes, I know it doesn't make any sense. You'll have to ask Stephanie Meyer or is it Stephenie? I forget.

[The Artist formerly known as Opal]

I have more - Lapo stumbles upon a primitive Aztec tribe and becomes their goddess. All of the natives begin to worship her for her beauty and artistic qualities. I'm not seeing a lot of help here. I've been more than patient.

[eleanorigby]

Oh, ALL RIGHT!


Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, lived a wonderful, amazing, beautiful, intelligent and very special person named Eleanor Lapo. She was so fair that men killed themselves after watching her walk by. She was a princess. She was also a vampyre.


Take it away.

[The Artist formerly known as Opal]

I think I have the beginning of the novel:

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, lived a wonderful, amazing, beautiful, intelligent, artistic and very special person named Lapo. She was so fair that men killed themselves after performing oral sex on her as she walked by. She was a princess. She was also a vampyre. And a Vegan.


But I need mooooore, people. This writing is haaaard.

[Rat Diva]

till 1 day she walk bye a dude who DINT kill himself his name was Drakon OMFG he wuz teh hawtt warin tite blk tshit wit pentagon on teh front and tihgt blk lethar pants tight enuogh 2 show his massive thing lather motercicle boots with shiny blak sliver chainz. Je was a vampyr whom new lestat from Vampir Crhronicle and he did not kill himslef becuz Loap was fuggin hawtt but he wuz gay cuz gay guys are soooooooooooo hooooooooooooooot!!!!!!!8!!!

[The Artist formerly known as Opal]

Oh, I just got inspired again.

Until one day a dude did NOT kill himself - his name was um (let me think) Drakon, he wore tight black shirt and tight rubber pants - they were tight enough to show his uncircumcised massive manhood. He was a warlock who juggled. But not gay. Or if he was, he was not for her womanhood was so alluring that it banished all thoughts of gayness.

[Kat]

Don't forget about the villain, George, who was evil and did not love Lapo. His goal was to keep Lapo from creating her art because it made people happy, and George did not want people to be happy. He did not like Lapo's art, because he was evil. He was evil because he did not like Lapo's art.

Perhaps the plot of the novel could be how Lapo opens George's mind, heart and soul to the beauty of her art, and thus turning him away from evil?

[eleanorigby]

Perhaps the plot of the novel could be how Lapo opens George's mind, heart and soul to the beauty of her art, and thus turning him away from evil?

Or maybe just about surprise butt sex.

[Ken S.]

I think some kind of kryptonite element needs to be introduced. Something that repels the protagonist and saps her powers. Maybe some kind of a tree nut...

[Kat]

Filberts?

[Malacandra]

The villain's favourite taunt could be about telling her to lick something indelicate, and calling her a crazy donkey or something. I'm not really good at writing myself so perhaps someone could develop this?

[Jaglavak]

All of the natives begin to worship her for her beauty and artistic qualities.

Soon Lapo renounced all fleshly needs, existing only on the power of the people's worship. As a true breathetarian, her breath was always minty fresh.


But not gay. Or if he was, he was not for her womanhood was so alluring that it banished all thoughts of gayness.

As a reward Lapo cured all the men of the village of gayness, not that there's anything wrong with that, by creating insatiable lust in their hearts. Unfortunately all the men wanted only her. But since she had given up all fleshly needs, she became the ultimate cock blocker.

[eleanorigby]

Where is this epistolary masterpiece, anyway? I can't find it. :sciencefail:

[Khampelf]

How about one particular bloke being incedibly smitten with Lapo, finds her secret (if she is a secret vegan) and stalks her, insisting she drink his blood. She doesn't want to, of course, but finds him very attractive, leading to sexual tension and moral dilemma.

Meanwhile the owner of the club where she works is getting suspicious, and/or acting suspiciously.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the council of the undead are wondering what to do about her, she has violated the sanctity of the community with her wanton stripper ways.

Also, aliens are monitoring the situation from orbit, for inscrutable alien reasons of their own.

And a theocratic moral majority Westboro style crowd is picketing the strip club where she works.

But she can seek consolation with the therapist who knows her secret, but she's starting to fall for her.

It's a little slim, but you can flesh it out. So to speak.

[Rat Diva]

How about one particular bloke being incedibly smitten with Lapo, finds her secret (if she is a secret vegan) and stalks her, insisting she drink his blood. She doesn't want to, of course, but finds him very attractive, leading to sexual tension and moral dilemma.

Meanwhile the owner of the club where she works is getting suspicious, and/or acting suspiciously.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the council of the undead are wondering what to do about her, she has violated the sanctity of the community with her wanton stripper ways.

Also, aliens are monitoring the situation from orbit, for inscrutable alien reasons of their own.

And a theocratic moral majority Westboro style crowd is picketing the strip club where she works.

But she can seek consolation with the therapist who knows her secret, but she's starting to fall for her.

It's a little slim, but you can flesh it out. So to speak.

"Lapo, my magnificent treasure," purred Gary Stu in a voice like baritone silk, raking his magnificent gold-flecked hazel orbs over the creamy, voluptuous form of his supernatural beloved, "you need not fear that I will betray your secret, that you eschew the blood of mortals, unto the Esoteric and Iniquitous Personhood of the Undead, for you know as well as I that should they ever learn of your transgressions the consequences would be dreadful!"

Languidly, Lapo ran a vermilion nail, red as the blood she refused to drink out of deference to Euphemia, her childhood friend who had perished amidst a pool of her own scarlet life essence persuant to a brutal automotive tragedy, along the chiseled chin of her lover, the one for whom she'd decided to rediscover the pleasures of the flesh which she had previously foresworn in the interest of generating Art, which she had decided was the reason for her immortality: to produce Art which would make all and sundry happy, save for the megalomaniacal George. George loathed all happiness and would resort to the most heinous of means to squelch it. Her Art, therefore, was ever in danger.

"I know you would never betray me, my dearest love," she husked, peering coquettishly through a thick fringe of ebon lashes which could not dim the verdant luster of her own emerald orbs. "But please, I'm thirsy."

"You with thirst no more!" proclaimed Gary Stu, springing from their bed of ravishment and striding on long, muscular legs worthy of a champion Thoroughbred to the argent cart draped in snow-white linen, which a charming room service steward had delivered prior to their paroxysm of lust. His sinewy, masculine hand took up a crystal tumbler and with a delicacy belied by his powerful fingers, dropped in three ice cubes which tinked and shattered, glittering in the warm candlelight like finest diamonds.

From a silver pitcher hazed with droplets of condensation, he poured forth a scarlet liquid richly redolent of carrot, beet, tomato, and other nutritious vegetables nurtured within the warm bosom of Gaia.

Unseen by both, four eyes peered in through the gossamer curtains of virginal white which flanked the wide portal leading to the wrought-iron balcony which lay adjacent to the home of love consummated. For in the throes of passion, neither Lapo nor Gary Stu knew that there had been observers with disgust in their shriveled, blackened hearts and evil in their tarnished souls!

"Now is our chance," breathed the first, a willowy female posessed of great beauty and even greater jealousy. Dr. Lucinda Heavingbosom's roseate lips creased into a thin line of envy as she recalled the night Lapo had first confessed her ineluctable secret and collapsed, weeping tears of purest crimson, when the good psychiatrist had gathered the lush and yielding body to her own and sought to offer comfort with hands, lips, and finally the throbbing flower of her own unrequited passion.

"Yes," agreed her companion, who held in his hands a sinister device of midnight black, cubical and menacing, with a single antenna protruding from its featureless top. "This time-stop ray my people, the Khampelvians, have developed will freeze these heedless fools in their tracks!"

"And then, Jhee-rav, she will come to see Gary Stu as a betraying monster and flee back to my arms where she belongs!" hissed Dr. Heavingbosom in the manner of an infuriated Persian cat of impeccable breeding.

Jhee-rav, as he prepared to unleash the devilish machination's energy upon the heedless lovers, gave her a look fit to shrivel the sourest kumquat ever borne upon a tree. "You human women are incomprehensible to a more enlightened civilization," he opined definitively. Heedless of her protests, he slipped through the window and soon an eldritch green light held the sumptuous room in its icy grip!

Working quickly, Dr. Heavingbosom herself withdrew a scalpel stealthily acquired from the hospital where her office was located, feeling not a pang that this tool of healing was being used as a tool of sabotage. It was instead a tool of mending a broken love and undoing a gash in the rightness of truth. With dainty movements, she delicately nicked one vessel of life within Gary Stu's manly index finger, so a single trembling drop of vermilion descended into the vegetable libation intended for the beauteous Lapo.

Jhee-Rav withdrew two more objects from the sinister pack her carried: a Microplane intended for such wholesome flavors as nutmeg and lemon zest, and a single rounded object of rich brown. Had Lapo not been in the clutches of the sinister time-stop ray, she would have shrieked in incoherent terror as soon as she recognized the shape of the one thing that could annihilate her body and soul: a dreadful Filbert!

A few brisk strokes of the dread seed's flesh against the icy steel sent a dusting of whitish terror into the no longer innocent beverage!

"Hah! When Lapo drinks that, she will know that this soulless womansnatcher has poisoned her and tricked her into drinking his blood! In her rage, she will be mine!"

"And the Khampelvians will fulfill our contract with the evil George, who seeks to remove all happiness from the world, by removing Lapo, creator of Art that makes people happy.

"We must effect our escape," urged Jhee-rav anxiously, "for the ray's might will soon dissipate." The devious pair fled into the star-speckled night, and in turn Gary Stu and the hyacinthine Lapo were freed from the bonds of evil Khampelvian technology.

"Your V8, my darling," said Gary Stu chivalrously, obliviously proferring the tainted beverage to his true love.

"Oh, Gary, I wish you could serve me always!" emoted Lapo before taking a dainty sip. Suddenly, her leaf-green orbs opened wide in fear, and one white alabaster hand flew up to clutch at her swanlike neck! The tumbled dropped from her hand, spattering the handwoven Turkish carpet and silken bed linens with crimson droplets.

"Dear Lapo!" gasped Gary Stu in disbelieving shock. He had seen this affliction once before, when his own dear mother had unknowingly consumed a canape at a royal ball... a fiendish hors d'ouerve containing her nemesis: iodine-laden shrimp!

Helpless, he cast his hazel orbs about for help, but there was none. Mere human medicine would be of no benefit to one of the undead, but there was another resource. His chocolate gaze lit upon the discreet Netbook perched perkily atop the antique oak desk. Normally agile fingers tripping fearfully over its petite keys, he hammered out a missive to the greatest repository of knowledge in the world:

DO VAMPIRS GET ANHPACTICSHOCK NEED ANWSER GAST PLZ!!!!!

[The Futility of Nihilism]

The text is in purple, so you know it has to be good!

[Rat Diva]

When I purple prose, I purple it good and purple :science:

[Scuba Ben]

Aren't the vampires in Twilight vegetarian? I can't remember...something about they're vegetarian because they don't eat humans (but do kill and eat animals).

There were vampires in Twilight? I couldn't get past all the OMG teen angst. And this was the RiffTrax version too.

[Lazlo]

How about making the lead character a Tampyre- She only drinks from menstruating women...


What?

I laughed.

[Mr. Plumbean]

I'm yoinking that idea for my next novel for teens. It's like Twilight meets Are You There God, It's Me Margaret. ka-CHING.

[Guinastasia]

Aren't the vampires in Twilight vegetarian? I can't remember...something about they're vegetarian because they don't eat humans (but do kill and eat animals).

There were vampires in Twilight? I couldn't get past all the OMG teen angst. And this was the RiffTrax version too.

I found myself wondering if the vampires had sparkly poop. That's how bad the books were.

[eleanorigby]

Where is this epistolary masterpiece, anyway? I can't find it. :sciencefail:

Where is this over there? I looked in Arts and Entertainment and MPSIMS to no avail. Help?

[Euryphaessa]

It's not posted on the site, but if you PM Opal I'm sure she'd be happy to send it to you. :p Search for threads by her, should be something like "I'm writing a book, who wants to read it?"

[Khampelf]

When I purple prose, I purple it good and purple :science:


Purple prose, indeed.

That was awesome, R.D. Kudos!


I laughed my ass off at 'Khampelvians'. Sound a dastardly lot, don't they?

[Rat Diva]

Yeah, those Khampelvians are the worst, man. Why, if I ever found out I was interacting with a Khampelf I'd... wait, what?

:eek::eew::foil::jaw:

AAAAIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

::runs screaming and leaves a RatDiva-shaped hole in the wall::

PS: Thanks, I had a lot of fun writing it :D

[WallyM7]

I think if she needs to fake her death, most forklifts have wooden underplaks that can be replicated in plastic.

[Rat Diva]

wut :veb:

[Scuba Ben]

There were vampires in Twilight? I couldn't get past all the OMG teen angst. And this was the RiffTrax version too.

I found myself wondering if the vampires had sparkly poop. That's how bad the books were.

Now that you mention it Guin, "sparkly poop" is IMO a good description of the movie.

[Xploder]

What? No snot vampire?

[Guinastasia]

What? No snot vampire?

I take it you read Star Wars books?

[WednesdayAddams]

Ew.

[Guinastasia]

They weren't REALLY snot vampires (http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Anzat). They ate your brains through your nose, so people just CALLED them that.


Although quite frankly, I'd rather read a book about actual snot vampires than the Twilight series.

[Khampelf]

I found myself wondering if the vampires had sparkly poop. That's how bad the books were.


If they never eat solid food, why would they need to poop?

[Mr. Plumbean]

Babies don't have solid food until they're four months old and they poop from day 1.

[Khampelf]

Vampires aren't babies, and babies don't have a diet consisting solely of blood.

But your point is taken.

When you've eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however unlikely, must be sparkly.

[Guinastasia]

Well, sparkly pee, then. But blood is a lot thicker than that.

[Mr. Plumbean]

When you've eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however unlikely, must be sparkly.

You've struck upon the importance of a consulting detective/vampire hunter in this story.... and a role for Benedict Cumberbatch in the film version...

[eleanorigby]

Poop isn't just undigested stuff; it's also fluid, mucus and shed body tissue. IOW, anything that eats, excretes, so Mr Sparkles would have a thousand points of light, so to speak.



I shouldn't post this stuff over breakfast. Blech.

[Dragonlady]

I found myself wondering if the vampires had sparkly poop. That's how bad the books were.


If they never eat solid food, why would they need to poop?

I believe FNGlazer mentioned that "nothing solid in, nothing solid out".
Or words to that effect.

[Kat]

I hope this crap isn't in the book.

[Guinastasia]

I hope this crap isn't in the book.

Which one?

[Kat]

Any of them.

[eleanorigby]

the crap IS the book.

[ladylovesu2]

Basically, write the book for me because I suck and no you don't get any money if the book sells. Alrighty then......