Husband just revealed a 50g credit card debt. I don't know what to do.
 

I'm sitting in the parking lot of a marriott with a packed bag. This isn't the first time he has done this. Married 23 years.

Holy crap, Teela.

What prompted him to tell you the truth right now?

Is this from a few large purchases, or from a whole lot of them over a long period??

I just feel all kinds of empathy for you right now, TB. You must feel so frustrated and disappointed, espeically if this is an issue you thought you'd finished dealing with.

teela, I am very sorry and I wish you all the best. I realize that's not much of a help.

Remember that it's a slow Saturday here on the veldt. If you don't get a lot of responses here right away, it doesn't mean that people don't care.

Oh lord, I am so sorry to hear that Teela. His is not the correct behavior of a proper partner.

And if it was the first time, I'd tell you that running wasn't the right thing to do either. But he's burned you before so I simply can't blame you.

What now? Do you have somewhere to go? Are you in any way liable for his debts?

I'm sorry, Teela, that's just awful. No matter what you decide in the future I'd say that taking some time out now is a good idea. So get in the hotel or go to a friend's place and take a few days to work out your options. You need a bit of time to deal with the shock of it before you're going to be firing on all cylinders properly.

Teela, I'm so sorry. Do you have anyone you could stay with for a few days whilst you consider what to do next? If not, I think a day or so in a hotel to mull things over without being disturbed is also no bad thing.

Godamighty! I'm sorry to hear that teela. Right now probably you need some space and time to sort out your thoughts. I wouldn't call it "running". :(

I didn't mean it that way, NinetyWt. I'm sorry if my post was misleading. I should have said, "Getting the hell out of there to regroup".

I've got a guest room; come out to God's country while you're head clears.

I'm stressing on your behalf. Financial stuff stresses me out and I hate secrets.

I know what I'd do, but I don't know your circumstances. There's no way I could manage that kind of debt, so I'd see a lawyer about protecting assets, and I'd expect hubby to get some counseling.

{{hugs}}

This isn't exactly the same, but my (now ex-) stepfather lost our house to a gambling problem when I was a kid. I really, really feel for you. I'm so sorry.

Holy crap Teela! That blows dead wombats. How did he run the debt up? Other than this, how do you guys get along?

Wow. I'm so sorry to hear that.

I know how hard you're working at your investments, so it must be frustrating to see your partner working in the other direction.

I can't think of anything helpful to tell you. You are probably feeling lots of stress and shock. Please take good care of you.

Just thinking out loud Mako. I didn't intend it as a slam towards you either. :)

I sent you a PM.

I feel for you and am so sorry that you are going through this.

Not at all, missus - no offense taken.

Also, I'm a little worried that we got the one-liner post followed by silence, but I suppose she has bigger things to worry about than updating us. My simplistic mind thinks it'd be lovely if she took Chacoguy up on his offer though. If ever there was someone who needed to get away from their situation....

Oh my god, teela, that is awful. I can't imagine the shock and disappointment you're feeling right now. I hope you can figure out a course of action that feels right -- this is a pretty major betrayal, with no easy answers. We're all hear if you need to vent/talk/ask for bad advice. :)

I'm so sorry, teela. You probably feel pretty sucker-punched at the moment. What a horrid shock.

Take whatever time--and space--you need to get your head to stop spinning and your feet back on the ground. Obviously you already know how, in spades, how unacceptable his actions are. You'll need some time to figure out whether you can live with this, and if so, how.

No matter what else you do, at least consult a lawyer. Not necessarily about divorce but particularly about how that huge debt can affect you. Just finding out facts might help clarify what you want to do.

I'm keeping you in my thoughts and wishing you well, teela. Don't forget that you have people here who care about you.

Oh, no, teela. I'm so sorry.

Check in, cry/yell/ponder it out, clear your head, then plan your next course of action. Don't over-think. Ignore the if-onlies and should've-dones and what-ifs. Straight ahead now. One step at a time.

And yes, feel free to vent.

Has anybody suggested contacting a lawyer yet?

Otherwise, there's not much to say that hasn't been said. I'm sorry you have to go through this. :(

I got a voicemail from the bank which holds our mortgage regarding an equity loan. I couldn't figure out what it was about, and then he dropped the bomb. It started with him being out of work for awhile, so he cashed in a bunch of stock he held without telling me. That's okay, we have to do what we have to do. But then he also opened up a secret credit line and then started purchasing things over a long period. I had no idea this was going on, nor can he account for where the money went. He was trying to take out a loan to pay off his credit card debt.

I think he has a severe addictive personality, and it shows in drinking, smoking expensive cigars (to the tune of a couple of hundred a month's worth), and compulsive spending. When he pulled something like this before, it was to get a loan on our credit card for the cash necessary to put down on a sports car. Then it was 15G for audiophile equipment. That was many years ago and I thought he had matured beyond this behavior, but apparently he just got better at hiding it.

I'm at a Residence Inn now and posting from here, but I guess I might be seeing a lawyer if we can't work things out. I don't see how we can - I'll never know if he's going to blindside me with a massive, hidden debt when we're old and without funds.

Thanks for words of sympathy - my world is upside down right now and I don't know how it's going to turn out.

teela

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I think you're wise to take the time and space to compute all of this and then come up with a logical game plan.

Hang in there, Mama.

Sorry, too

:(

I'm sorry.

Ugh. Compulsive spending is such a disaster. How do you have a relationship of equals if one of you has to monitor the other's spending all the time or else face life-ruining time bombs?

One thing you might consider to help you get your brain around this would be to talk to a marriage counselor by yourself. Not to try to fix the relationship, but just to talk out strategies and feelings with someone knowledgeable about these kinds of issues. No one sees this story more often than a marriage counselor. If nothing else, it might help you sort out what you want to do and how to start going about doing it. And they might have ideas or resources that you aren't aware of.

I know it's lame and cliched advice, but I hate to think of you trying to sort out a disaster of this magnitude on your own.

I'm so sorry, Teela. The debt is bad enough, but keeping huge secrets like that is absolutely not ok.

I have no words of wisdom. I hope everything works out for you.

Holy shit. I am so, so sorry.

Obviously I have not much to add that the others haven't already, but you have my good thoughts and internet hugs. I've had that moment in a past relationship when you find out that you don't know the person you thought you did (in my ex-boyfriend's case, it was an active heroin addiction). It's pretty crazy-making and you start to doubt the stability of the ground under your feet.

Please reach out to real-life friends as well as us. They can help ground you.

Is this line of credit in just his name? Where is he? Do you have kids?

Once the initial shock has worn off (it is to laugh), may I suggest you taking some money from your joint bank account to open your own, at a different bank? I'm talking Monday here.

Also, you need a list of all your credit cards, and their balances, plus any other outstanding debts: mortgage, car loans etc. Just lining up the columns and rows will help you feel more in control. You do need to talk to him, but I'd wait until at least tomorrow. Sleep will help. Do you have a trusted girlfriend/friend/family member you can confide in? And I will suggest a lawyer and probably a financial advisor, and as Giraffe said, a counselor too. I am so sorry this happened to you. :(


I feel for you. I have been there and done that, except that it was 30k, I didn't go to a hotel (3 kids at home), and I didn't have the sense to kick him out. TH's was due to his starting his first own business (which quickly became him sitting in the basement feeling sorry for himself. He's on his second own business now). He had a job in a week, I had a loan from my father (and don't think that came easy or free of obligation-it has since been repaid financially--the other obligation will take my lifetime) and our marriage never recovered.
Since your husband's done this before, I don't think this will have a happy ending. I wish you the best. One day at a time.

I don't have any advice beyond what folks have said, but I'm very sorry to hear about your situation, teela. I wish you the best of luck in getting through it.

Hang in there, teela!

Well, here goes...

Been there 5 years ago to the tune of $20K over a hidden line of credit to pay for his mother's divorce lawyer; the rest he gambled away. Married 15 years at the time. I found a single bank statement from a bank I thought we didn't do business at. He sent the statements to his mother's address.

My world collapsed. I began having anxiety and panic attacks, acted out at work shortly after the discovery, leading to my firing and I've been unemployed ever since. Had I not lost my job, I would have left him.

You have my sympathy, teela. Please see a lawyer, if only to find out the extent of your legal liability.

:jaw:
:(

Seriously, to me, this kind of thing is a HUGE betrayal--much more so than an affair (of course, I haven't been faced with an affair per se, so what do I know?). All I know is that trust is banished in an instant and can take years to regain. This shakes the foundations of everything you share: home, hearth, family, social standing, work, and play. I swear I am having flashbacks to that crushing constant feeling of carrying that debt. I wish I could do something for you. Please know that this is NOT you; it is not your fault. You should not have seen this coming--you are not to blame in any way.

I am so, so sorry.

That's horrible Teela. I feel so sorry for you. I agree with eleanorigby that this type of betrayal is easily on par with an affair. I doubt I could ever regain trust in a person who behaved that way.

I don't personally know Chacoguy, so I can't vouch for his offer, but I do know that's some great country for people looking for some peace.

What a shock. I'm so sorry you're going through this, and I'm glad you're giving yourself some space. One step at a time.

Oh Wow, Teela. That's a lot of suckitude to deal with all at once. I can't begin to presume to tell you what you should do or how you should feel about all of this, but if I were in the same position, I'm sure at least once I'd wonder how much I could get for his kidneys on the black market.

This is not a suggestion, I am not your lawyer, you are not my client. :ninja:


{{{Teela}}}} I hope everything works out for you.

Good luck Teela. That is scary stuff. I haven't interacted with you much but I did enjoy your thoughts and comments on the investing thread. It is just unforunate that this happened to you. For me a financial betrayal like this would be huge and unfortunately you just can't seem it coming. Take some time and get your head together and then you just have to move on. My thoughts are with you. Good luck!

A similar thing happened to hubby with his first marriage. Luckily he had a friend at the bank who tipped him off that they were about to foreclose on his house. His then-wife had been paying on her multiple secret credit-card debts instead of paying the mortgage.

{{{teela}}}

Dave Ramsey calls it financial infidelity. It's all about trust and respect and being a grown-up. Do what you need to do to get centered again. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

Man, nothing I can add except my sympathy, teela. That sucks dead donkey balls. :(

Taurus, I'm sorry to hear about what happened to you too.

{{{Teela}}}
{{{Taurus}}}

I have nothing to add, Teela. Much more eloquent people came here before me. Whatever course of action you take, you've always got shoulders to cry on, rant at, punch in a non-friendly manner around here. Head into chat if you need to, we're always happy to lend an ear or help brainstorm solutions.

Much love to you both.

Yeah, what they said. I can't imagine how this must feel--or rather, I can imagine it enough that it damned near causes a panic attack just to think about it so I'm guessing the reality is about a million times worse. I hope it works out okay, but guessing from your location you're likely on the hook for this as well as he is. Damn. Answer haj's PM, I'm guessing he has some good advice to dispense. And I'm so, so sorry this has happened to you. :(

I am sorry to hear this. I have been in your husband's shoes, except I was single and it was only $20k.

My advice to you is to cut your losses and leave him. The compulsive and addictive behavior never goes away and I am constantly fighting it. I also fall a lot; all it takes is one shitty day. I am better about returning things I really do not need, but you cannot take everything back.

You will probably never be able to trust him. Your mate is supposed to be the person you can count on no matter what. Having to watch every little step and constantly worry makes for a miserable relationship.

And if you need time away from everything, I strongly suggest you take up Chacoguy's offer. Hiking in Moab is good for the spirit.

If you can't bring yourself to leave him, divorce him. It makes you not responsible for his debts. I divorced The Addict years before I left him, to protect my house and credit rating from his stupidity.
Lazlos, right, though. You'll never be able to trust him again, and rightly so. That's something to consider.
And I'm so sorry. Mine was a drug addict, but addicts are addicts.

ETA: I'm near Redding, about 4 hours north of you. I've got snow and a guest room.

DL brings up a good point. You can divorce a person without leaving them. It may be worth reviewing that as an option.

Thanks, Ninety and Z.

I've heard what I needed to hear from my husband. He's admitted this was an enormous betrayal, has mirrored my perspective and has apologized for it. While it sounds like had/has gambling addiction, he doesn't. He didn't really gamble before and hasn't since, nor does he have a secretive nature. I told him I didn't want to hear (all the gory details) of his mother's divorce and he took that a bit too literally.

If he had been a gambler or secretive or otherwise blew through our money, he would have been living with his mother right after the discovery and I'd be divorced by now.

teela, your mileage is certainly going to vary.

If you have the ways and means to chill with Chaco, I say ROAD TRIP!

Teela, I wish I could hug you right now. Please remember you're not alone, and come to us whenever you need to talk. I wish I had tons of advice to offer you, but others have done a better job than I could.