Godzilla v. Taggart: The Death Match (PPV)
 

That irradiated iguana has been a-stompin' up the prairie fer a couple years now, an' it's high time some feller did somethin' about it, an' that's what Ah aim to do.

After extensive negotiations by Private Telegraph, that heela monster an' me have agreed to duke it out here, live, in living color, on the Gee-raff Boards. Winner gets to take the filly of his choice to the Number Six Dance. Loser gets a date with the undertaker, Digger Johnson.

No hittin' below the belt (not that that overgrown lizard has anything below the belt). Other'n that, anything goes.


Anything ya wanna add, big guy? If not, let's shake hands an' git down to business.

Watch out, Boss! I think you should attack him with your Salad Fork!

This fight is a mess. It can be fixed.

Excuse me, Mr. Taggart, sir, but I sure do hate to see you like this. What if me and the boys was to shoot that lizard dead? Would that pep you up some?

It might come to that, pardner. But seein' as last year a Gatlin' Gun hardly tickled him, Ah'm not optimistic.

Ah was a-plannin' to make use of yer assistance, so don't wander off too far.

Yes sir, Mr. Taggart, sir!

:: returns to campfire ::

Hand me a plate a them beans, boys.

Aim for his green cucumber, Boss! I bet that's his weak point!

You know, Mr. Taggart, it occurs to me that the quality of some of the boys ain't as high as it used ta be. I'm just not sure about this Percy fella. Sounds like some sissy from back east!

No doubt, dude. I would also like a plate of beans.

So Mr. Lyle sir, what do you think of the future?

Ya ain't payin' attention, peach face. He's a lizard, and them reptiles ain't got no geneteelers ginatee- jeneteelea dicks.

Besides, that's agin the rules. Pay attention, son!

:: gets totally confused look ::

The foo what now?

Oh hey, Mr. Taggart's back.

How 'bout some more beans, Mr. Taggart?

The future, dude! Time marches on, and people build malls and water parks and stuff.

Why don't you step into my office, where we can discuss this further?

::gestures toward random phone booth planted among the tumbleweeds::

Go easy on them beans, Lyle. Ah'ma thinkin' of spikin' them things, if ya know waddah mean, an' we don't need no collateral damage.

Some of my best friends are beans, Boss!

Yes sir, Mr. Taggart!

:: doffs hat ::
:: scratches head ::

Well, you do seem like a nice upstanding young man. I suppose it wouldn't hurt to step into your office. As long as we're back in time for the Giraffe Boards Women Stampede and Cattle Rapin' ceremony!

Yo Godzilla, fuck his shit up dude! Japan represent! Woo!

Tee hee! Godzilla is a cute li'l dickens, isn't he?

THAT WAS LOW BLOW! NOT COOL!


GODZILLA FIX YOU! *STOMPS GODFATHER*

GAAH! TALKYPOTATOFACE! *STOMPS PERCY INTO CATSUP*

TAGGART IS HONORABLE CHEWTOY! GODZILLA ONLY WISH WAS GIGANTONORMOUS, LIKE PROPER OPPONENT.


TOKYO! FUCK YEAH!

TINY SQUIDFACE GET IN LINE FOR ASSWHUPPING!

Mr. Godzilla, sir. When did you start having these violent thoughts. You surely realize how unproductive these destructive thoughts are?

IT LONG STORY. GODZILLA NOT KNOW WHO GODZILLA AM! FIRST WAS MUTATED BY NUKEY BOMB. THAT GAVE GODZILLA KILLER HEADACHE, SO WENT AND STOMPED. LATER THERE WAS A DIFFERENT GODZILLA? DOCUMOVIES NOT CLEAR ON THAT. THEN, TIME TRAVELLY PEOPLE GO AND TRY TO UNDO GODZILLA, BUT THAT ONLY CREATES DIFFERENT GODZILLA? GODZILLA NOT UNDERSTAND! STOMPING IS GODZILLA COPING MECHANISM.

nm

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Godzilla
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From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


Godzilla so there is the Japanese movie monster which has appeared; film Godzilla of 1954. Ever since that, as for Godzilla Toho Co. Becoming the worldwide popular cultural idea contest which stars with the film of 28 where the corporation creates it continued. The monster the video game, the novel and the comic book, seems that is continual program of the television and the incarnation of the other medium which includes American at large number. Second American restart presently is developed by legendary image. As the monster which was drawn up generally by the incident of new Daigo Fukuryū Maru with consciousness of the Hiroshima and Nagasaki still bombardment and Japan Godzilla was imagined with nuclear explosion and the metaphor for the nuclear weapon. That the film series expanded, simultaneously, as for a certain story rather than describing Godzilla, as the hero to be little the seriousness being inactive, while describing him as the animal whose plotting the other things still is harmful, if you like.

http://www.giraffeboards.com/image.php?u=3348 The Giraffe Boards post is a dishororable stub. It is possible to help Wikipedia with expanding it.

It'd help even more if ya ran it through a good translator!


Thank you for showing up, Mister Godzilla. An' thanks for goin' easy on that handshake. Now, if ya'd kindly turn yer back fer a few minutes so's we can git ready. . . .

[Godzilla complies]

Okay, Lyle, quitcher sissyfussin' around an' shove them boulders up that hill!

Good. Ya ready?

Okay. Y'all can turn around now.

[moons Godzilla, runs off through canyon, Godzilla in hot pursuit]

Wait fer it. . .

Wait fer it. . .

Okay! Now!

[Lyle starts avalanche]

Dawwww! Who's a cute widdo wizzerd of destwuction! You are! Yes, you are!!

:: scratches Godzilla under the chin ::

Err, Mr. Taggart, sir? I think I pushed that avalanche down the wrong canyon.

Shiiiiit.

Ah'll just hafta haul ass an' run thru that one, too.

An' for Gawd's sake, don't touch nuthin' else, especially that other thing!

Sorry, Boss! I fell down and touched a bunch of things.

Oh, no way, sir, I wouldn't dream of it.

Touching Heddy Lamarr's rubber ducky is your thing.

DON'T INSULT WACKYPEDIA ARTICLE! WAS GODZILLA'S OWN WRITING! WAS HARD ENOUGH TURNING OFF CAPLOCKS!

GODZILLA SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE. :science:

ROCKS? CHEWTOY THINK ROCKS HURT GODZILLA? GODZILLA GET SHOT AT BY TANKS! BUT OKAY, TALKYMAN CAN RUN THROUGH ROCKS IF HE LIKES.


*THUMPS FOOT AND WAGS TAIL*

I MEAN--WAIT--NO--UH, GRAAR?

Awww, horse apples! Ah'm so tickled ya got that obscure joke that Ah don't really mind thatcha won the first round.

Gimme a few minutes to catch mah breath, an' we'll git back to it.


[Taggart spreads out under chestnut tree, soon begins to daydream]

Ah, Lily. Lily, Lily, Lily. What Ah wouldn't give to bury mah face in them Teutonic Tetons right now! Lily, Lil. . .

No, Lyle, that ain't no gun barrel in mah pocket. Quit lookin' at mah crotch! (Ah gotta stop advertisin' fer help in the Kansas City Star.)

[coal-oil lamp suddenly illuminates over Taggart's head]

Ah got it! Even lizards like to get a little honey on their stinger now and then. Lyle! Fetch me that Sears and Roebucks catalog ya hauled up to the outhouse the other day!

[a few minutes later]

Ya didn't hafta bring me the sheets ya already used! (Useless git!)

Lemme see: Chicken Coops, Farplaces, Hay Balers - here it is: Marital Aids. Dolls, comma, Inflatable. Asian. Nope. Barbi. Hell nope. Farrah Fawcett. Hmm, think Ah'll bookmark that one. Heela Monster. Yahoo!

Take a letter, Lyle. "Dear Messrs. Sears and Messrs. Roebucks: kindly send me one of yer fine Inflatable Heela Monster Dolls, Extree Large. Send it to General Delivery, Tuscon. C.O.D."

Okay, Lyle, take this down to Tuscon an' mail it, then wait fer the package to arrive. Ya might wanna take Mongo an' the buckboard - it's gonna be huge.

[twelve days later]

This is gonna be great! Blow 'er up, Lyle.

Waddya mean ya don't know how to inflate nuthin'? Ya just pucker yer lips an' blow!

[three weeks later]

Lookin' good. An' puttin' lipstick on this lizard was a great idea, Mongo. Now drag this thing down to the river, then come back an' help Lyle over to that stump. He's a-gaspin' like he's got consumption or somethin'.

[Taggart hunkers down behind giant girl heela monster, sings in a high falsetto:]

Splish, splash, I was takin' a bath
'long about a Saturday night!
. . .

godzilla will win!

i am a scallop.

lablablablablll

Ya know that Godzilla loves sushi, don'tcha?

how do you think i know he will win?

lablablabl

SOMEONE SAY THERE'D BE SUSHI HERE--OH, WHAT THIS? PRETTY MONSTER? THERE NO SUCH THING AS PRETTY MONSTERS! WELL, THERE WAS 50-FOOT-LADY, BUT SHE PUT RESTRAINING ORDER ON GODZILLA...

SO HAY, PRETTY MONSTER LADY--(WAIT, HOW GODZILLA'S BREATH?) *NUKES A NEARBY HILLOCK* (OKAY, IS FINE!)--SO MONSTER LADY WANT TO COME BACK TO GODZILLA PLACE?

NO! TOO FORWARD! UH, HOW ABOUT NIGHT ON THE TOWN? NEW YORK IS GREAT FOR STOMPING, THIS TIME OF YEAR!

.

Mr. Taggart, when you vanquish your foe, please entertain an offer for the skin of Godzilla.
I have often longed for such a hide in my den, cut into 12"x12" sections, inlayed in oak.

When my cousin Nicky comes, he will all be bragging on that damn amber room of his, but won't be able to ignore the floor.

"Is that snakeskin?" He will ask.

"No." I will say.

"Rep-tile."

So who's winning here? The green dude or the shit-kicker? Your Earth fights are so hard to follow...did that green dude just chase off after BARBI? That's boy's gonna be sorry!

Fine, send in the Panzers and the Stukas; liquidate them all.

:: Dismissive Wave::

I was all excited that there might have been a murrrrdur! Shame on you all for misleading me.

GODZILLA TRY TO STOMP TAGGERMAN, BUT IS SURPRISINGLY HARD TO KILL. SO GODZILLA LET HIM HAVE HIS FUN.

ALSO, GODZILLA IS A LITTLE BUSY WITH THE PRETTY LADYMONSTER RIGHT NOW, SO SCRAM BEFORE GODZILLA STOMP!


HM... LADYMONSTER NOT VERY TALKATIVE, IS SHE? NOT UNDERSTAND GODZILLA, MAYBE? GODZILLA TRY INTERPRETIVE DANCE! :science:

Gee, Boss, that sounds a lot like you might be a scaredylizard!

DIDN'T GODZILLA STOMP YOU!? HMM...

*PICKS UP TOMATOBABBY, THROWS IT AT KAISERMAN FOR BAD PUN*

HAH! A TWOFER! GODZILLA ON A ROLL!

IT WAS KAISER ROLL! DUH! ROCKYMAN NOT GET JOKE?


*THROWS PERCYMATO AT SELF* :sciencefail:

To defeat large bipedal lizards:

Roll a huge boulder on him. If that does not work, make some gunpowder from charcoal, saltpeter, and sulfur (this should just be laying around). Find a hollow plant or wood to use as a gun barrel, shove the powder and some crystal shards or something down in there to use as projectiles, light that shit on fire and aim it toward that lizard.

He then should be weakened enough that you can start punching and fighting. Use a stunt double to take the punches, rolling on the ground, etc.

Watch out for rope traps!

Are you fairies having a good time jerking each other off over your fake comic book battle? :rolleyes:

Tuscon, we gotta problem!

A couple hours after Ah set out Lizard Lil, Ah realized Ah'd gotten so carried away with the setup that Ah hadn't figgered out what to do while he was distracted. Kinda feel like the dog what finally caught the car he was a-chasin'. :sciencefail: And it's workin' so well, too.

Ah don't suppose yer deathly allergic to vinal, are ya, Mister Godzilla? No? Damn. Time to improvise.

[knocks out stoopid sodbustin' space cadet in black leotards and steals his Phaser; sets Phaser to "Fricassee"; starts blastin' away at Godzilla]

Says the naked guy with the sissy haircut...