my house got broken into
 

They stole everything: tv, laptop, 360 n64, gamecube, games, movies, and etc.... but they left all my 7 seasons of everybody loves raymond dvds

They apparently left your computer and internet modem too.

You should get you a guard gila monster.

No no no! Those are much too slow.

PSXer needs a watch-guard wombat of a local species.

At least he will be able to watch the bitter interchanges between Frank and Marie on someone else's DVD player.

At this point it's time to upgrade the security system. Perimeter switches and motion alarms inside and out, of course. Pressure switch mats under the beauty bark outside each window. Microphones hooked to an AI listening for unusual sounds. Interior and exterior 4K cameras with night vision. Ornery rottweiller downstairs, rabid rabbits upstairs, and a pit of hungry rattlesnakes under the welcome mat. Then there's the arsenal. Twin .40 cal pistols, a semi auto shotgun, an AK, a grenade launcher, and if they're outside you can light up the flamethrower. Let's see, what am I forgetting?

Claymores. Both kinds.

Downstairs? Tents have floors now?

In Goblet Of Fire they did.
I don't know how a Muggle like PSXer got one though.