[ellipses]

Perhaps even alcoholism. Because I am. I am embarrassed about my alcohol usage. I'm not sure it amounts to alcoholism, but that may be semantics. I'm not physically addicted - I can go without for prolonged periods. But, psychologically/emotionally - I just want to have alcohol as a goto.

So...although I don't actually pretend that I don't drink - a lot! I also don't go out of my way to advertise it. I dispose of my dead soldiers promptly. I need to do that anyway, 'cuz I only have my one room. I can't keep too much trash in there even if I wanted to, which I don't. So I dispose of empty bottles/boxes/whatever pretty quickly. I would be embarrassed to have someone come in my room and find a forest of booze bottles. Not that anyone ever comes in my room, but you get the point.

My brother on the other hand...no doubt he drinks as much as I do and possibly even more. But he collects his empties. He has a whole wall in the basement, comprised of empty evan williams bottles. There are dozens. I would be embarrassed to have such obvious proof of my addiction. He, apparently, is not.

He drinks hard liquor. I drink grocery store liquor and/or wine. We are not the same and yet we are. When I go into the basement to do laundry, I have to pass by his wall of liquor bottles. And every time, I am amazed. Not by his consumption, I'm used to that! But by his total lack of embarrassment. I don't judge him for his alcoholism, but I judge myself. I would just like to be as unembarrassed as he apparently is.

You might think that as siblings, we had the same upbringing. But we did not. He was motherless by 7 and fatherless by 11 yrs old. I was motherless by 13 and fatherless by 17. Things were different for us. It was a difference that made a difference. We are the only two left of our childhood family. Two other brothers have died.

I don't know what my point is for all this is...