[ncoggneato]

Ok. So my chosen profession is one in which my clients are perpetrators of domestic violence both male and female. In one of the groups this week, we spent the time discussing rape. This came about by a group member sharing that his new partner revealed to him that around 4 years ago she was the victim of acquaintance rape. The Rapey guy is still somehow around via her work or social group or neighborhood...basically the chances of my client running into Rapey are slim but still possible.

Since learning this my client has gotten all weird and angry around his partner. He says he is pissed all of the time, constantly thinking about the rape, picturing it, wanting and asking for details, imagining beating Rapey up and or killing him. He is not able to be sexually intimate with her lately due to his icky feelings. He says he tries hard to cover it up around her but he is raging inside and she can tell.

Most of the men in the group identified with this client stating that they too have had or have a partner who is a survivor of sexual assault and they are also angry and all of the above about it. One man even shared that his partner had been raped while they were together and when he was at the hospital with her while she was getting her forensic rape kit and statements to the police done, HE almost had to be sedated and caused such a scene that he was almost removed from the premises.

It was at THIS point I asked the men why they think they are so affected by something that happened to a person when they didn't even know that person EXISTED when it happened. I also "wondered" OUT LOUD why they thought it was appropriate to make a person's rape about THEMSELVES rather than the survivor. According to the room of 16 men, it makes TOTAL sense. Mostly because (again, according to the men) men understand but HATE the idea that another man (men?) have (and I QUOTE) "been in there before me".

There was WAY more to the discussion and we went a lot deeper than what the above would lead you to believe. However, I keep coming back to the initial questions I had, why is her rape about you and you didn't know her when it happened so why is she having to hold you back from going and killing Rapey when you see him in the car behind you in traffic or rephrased: why are you carrying so much rage and letting this interfere with your relationship both emotionally and physically?

Which brings me here! I am seeking the perspectives from a different cross section of men since I understand the ones I was listening to are...of a certain mindset let's say. I want to know any and all thoughts or opinions that come up whilst thinking of this discussion. Well, not ANY or ALL thoughts or opinions but you know what I mean. I am seriously curious if my clients are the minority or the majority. I am calling to the men in my community to EDUCATE and ENLIGHTEN me!!! for once...