Some wise advice from your friendly neighborhood Girrafe

[Girrafe]

Hello, friends!

As you all know, I've been around the block a few times, and in this time I've learned a few things about life. So I would like to share some life lessons with my best friends (you guys).

1. Be yourself. This is the most important lesson of all. If you're somebody else, you will definitely die. Be yourself at all times.
2. Be true to yourself. Along the same lines as the previous lesson. If you're false to yourself, you will die.
3. A stitch in time saves nine. If you embroider the concept of time, you will save nine people and become a hero! That's why everybody worships me as a hero.
4. Don't count your chickens before they hatch. If you don't wait for them to hatch, you're not really counting chickens now, are you? You'd just be counting eggs. And counting eggs is stupid. Wait until they're hatched.
5. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. If you have a bird in the hand, trade it in for two in the bush. This will feed your family for up to a month, minimum.
6. A needle in the haystack is a very good thing. If you see a haystack, put a needle in it and be blessed for life!
7. Spare the rod and spoil the child. Rods don't appreciate candy, but children do. Give them lots of candy and be their lord for life.
8. An iron paintbrush can paint a thousand pictures. Don't bother with silk paintbrushes. Iron paintbrushes are much better value for money.
9. Words are worthless, but an ashen birdcage can summit the valley. This is the most important lesson of all. Hold it in your heart at all times.
10. Life is like a bowl of spaghetti. Need I say more?

Follow these pearls of wisdom, and you too can live a full and celebrated life.

Regards,
Shodan.

[Flying Saucerian]

Giraffe's been into the loco weed again...

[The Second Sock]

That is indeed a lot of wise advice. I'll add mine:

Don't try to fuck a woman who is nuttier than you are. First, you'd have to gain some insight into how nutty you are, and then you'd have to search for a woman who exceeded that in cuckoo, which would require lots of dates to get to know her to make sure that she is cuckoo enough to fuck so that you would make sure to achieve your goal. Instead, fuck every woman who will have you, and the one that stalks you the most fearsomely will hunt you down and demand to run every detail of your life. This is the woman to keep. Providing that it isn't your own mother. Do not fuck your own mother. This is not allowed in most jurisdictions. Dick-tions! Ha!

[Jaglavak]

If your ass is warm, but not too warm, then things really can't be all that bad.

[Flying Saucerian]

Never criticize a man before first walking a mile in his shoes. Then you can trash talk him all you want because you're a mile away and you've got his shoes.

[Camelopard]

Some smartass advice from your muthafuckin Camelopard

You are stuck in the box, and I am not. Suck it bitches!

Oh, wait, that's not advice, that's just gloating. Deal with it.

[fucktard loser]

[Musicat]

Never play cards with a man called Doc.

Never eat at a place called Mom's.

Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own.

-- Nelson Algren, "Three Rules of Life"

[The Second Sock]

Never have a chili cook-off for all the guests the night before your destination wedding.

[Flying Saucerian]

And keep your eye on the sparrow.