Snark Sauce: Durpz 57

[Someone]

Once I walked into a restaurant and had to wait FORTY MINUTES to even get a table. They were obviously targeting me as a handsome middle-aged white guy dressed casually but not sloppily.

[Someone]

Originally Posted by Someone

Once I walked into a restaurant and had to wait FORTY MINUTES to even get a table. They were obviously targeting me as a handsome middle-aged white guy dressed casually but not sloppily.

Were you wearing a tux, complete with spats, top hat and silver-tipped walking cane?

No?

Then I wouldn't have seated you either!

[Someone]

Actually the whole thing was captured on the security camera and is now on the web for some reason.

[Someone]

Originally Posted by Someone

A battle to the Deth! Boremageddon! The thrilla in vanilla! The excitement is passable!

Jeezus. Never has the term "know-it-all" required such deep irony. At least adaher, the other Crown Price of Wrong, mostly sticks to political threads. DrDeth is harder to avoid. He's a proud jack-of-no-trades. A nullimath. An Erroneoussance Man. An ignorfamous. An idiocy savant. A scrambled-egghead. A schnookworm. A failosopher.

He's Mao Tse-wrong. He's Errorstotle. He's William Mistakespheare. And he's everywhere.

This post made me teen pregnant! Well done, Vinny.

[Someone]

Originally Posted by Someone

Once I walked into a restaurant and had to wait FORTY MINUTES to even get a table. They were obviously targeting me as a handsome middle-aged white guy dressed casually but not sloppily.

No, they just mistook you for your brother, and put you in the Box preemptively.

[Someone]

Originally Posted by Someone

This post made me teen pregnant! Well done, Vinny.

Vinny missed 'He's a world-famous architect, a veritable Frank Lloyd Wrong'. That would have made you the proud grandparent of triplets.

ETA: Ooops. I misread 'me teen pregnant' as 'my teen pregnant'. It would have made you the owner of 3 houses, all eyesores in your neighborhood, before you even hit the age where you could validly be the owner of record. And pregnant, despite your age and obvious virginity.

[Someone]

Originally Posted by Someone

I wish BigT would stick to doling out unsolicited life advice that he learned on TV. Critiquing posts is hard enough when you live an airless basement, and then on top of that, to be unable to understand what people wrote... not a recipe for success.

Kinda talking about yourself, aren't ya? I obviously knew it was a figure of speech. I was calling him a moron for his inability to read the post. Note how everyone else thought he was a moron, too?

Context just isn't your guys' thing, is it?

Go back to making fun of DrDeth or CharlieWayne, who actually post the shit you guys seem to think I do.

And, yes, I know I'm responding days late. Because there's nothing wrong with that, and it's kinda funny watching you guys flip your shit.

[Someone]

Originally Posted by Someone

Kinda talking about yourself, aren't ya? I obviously knew it was a figure of speech. I was calling him a moron for his inability to read the post. Note how everyone else thought he was a moron, too?

Context just isn't your guys' thing, is it?

Go back to making fun of DrDeth or CharlieWayne, who actually post the shit you guys seem to think I do.

And, yes, I know I'm responding days late. Because there's nothing wrong with that, and it's kinda funny watching you guys flip your shit.

Shut up, BigTard.

[Someone]

Calm yer tits. We're flippin Peggy Hills' World Famous Old Fashion Buttermilk Griddle Cakes not shit.

[Someone]

Speaking of BigTard, I thought this quote was hilariously unselfaware:

Originally Posted by Someone

OKCupid is full of women who made bad choices in their lives. Singles bars seem to have people more interested in sex than relationships. And not everyone has a huge number of friends, and only a handful will try to set you up with people.

http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/...2&postcount=17

I'm pretty sure the worst life choice any woman could make would be to accept a date with BigT. Also, his mom has already set him up with all her friends and we know that's the extent of his list of friends.

[Someone]

Do we know that BigT hasn't dated his mother? Well???? (after the Casein incident, of course...)

[Someone]

Originally Posted by Someone

Were you wearing a tux, complete with spats, top hat and silver-tipped walking cane?

No?

Then I wouldn't have seated you either!

Thank you for saving me my seat, my good man. Here's a quarter for your trouble - don't spend it all in the same place.

[Someone]

Originally Posted by Someone

Thank you for saving me my seat, my good man. Here's a quarter for your trouble - don't spend it all in the same place.

< squints >

I SEE NO SPATS!

To the back of the line with you, ruffian.

[Someone]

Originally Posted by Someone

I obviously knew it was a figure of speech.

Oh, I see. You meant to do that.

[Someone]

Originally Posted by Someone

What is with Ascenray defending the Rolling Stone writer/magazine? In both this thread and the one in GD, he's semi-hysterical that no-one should be fired!!!!!!! over this because it's only one mistake.

Surprisingly, the Dean of Journalism at Columbia may share that opinion. His feeling seems to be that there was no deliberate intent to deceive as there was with say Jayson Blair or Stephen Glass. This was bowing to confirmation bias which can be a tricky thing to notice.

The thing that bothers me about this is Jan Wenner has really not owned up to this being a failure of procedures, and is instead blaming the accuser rather than the fact checkers. From what I can see, he has not indicated that there will be any change going forward.

[Someone]

Then the Dean of Journalism at Columbia is a complete idiot.

Regardless of "intent", there's willful negligence here. If the writer (I can't remember her name) had taken 20 minutes to make some phone calls, and verify some basic facts, the story would have crumbled. But she didn't even make the effort. She got a single source and without checking anything, nearly destroyed a bunch of people's lives and made it harder for actual victims to come forward.

Getting fooled? Sure. Can happen to anyone. Willfully blinding yourself and not even checking? That's not confirmation bias, that's just bad journalism.

[Someone]

The writer is a freelancer so she can't be fired. Firing anybody else would basically be a "heads gotta roll" move.

[Someone]

She can be deemed "Not rehire-able"

[Someone]

I sincerely doubt that Rolling Stone or anyone else will be buying one of her stories ever again. She might have a future in fiction.

[Someone]

Yeah, I doubt Rolling Stone is going to hire her again. However, I guess she has name recognition now and can paint herself as a victim and write for Gawker or Buzzfeed or one of those shitty sites that doesn't do any original reporting, just harvests stuff with a bunch of snark and/or outrage.

[Someone]

Originally Posted by Someone

Speaking of BigTard, I thought this quote was hilariously unselfaware:

http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/...2&postcount=17

I'm pretty sure the worst life choice any woman could make would be to accept a date with BigT. Also, his mom has already set him up with all her friends and we know that's the extent of his list of friends.

Sven tossed in a nice burn in response.

Originally Posted by Someone

Oh, so it's going to be this thread.

Multiple women, over and over again: "Getting hit on by strangers in public is annoying."
A few men: "No it's not. And hey, we gotta get laid somehow!"

[Someone]

Originally Posted by Someone

Sven tossed in a nice burn in response.

Bang! Dropped him on the wing.

[Someone]

Cubsfan wants to build a PVC sex chair.

[Someone]

Originally Posted by Someone

Cubsfan wants to build a PVC sex chair.

Damnit. I came in here to post the same damn thing. I am going to laugh and laugh and laugh when his PVC homemade sex stool snaps in half mid-"Cat Cage" and he breaks his face or dick. Preferably both. At the same time.

Why are people so cheap that they think, "Hmm, my wife is going to be vigorously bouncing up and down right above my face...why don't I just build it at home out of cheap ass plastic and some godamn bungee cords?"

And what was that shit about painting the PVC pipe? Is he going to put glitter and unicorn stickers on it?

[Someone]

Originally Posted by Someone

Damnit. I came in here to post the same damn thing. I am going to laugh and laugh and laugh when his PVC homemade sex stool snaps in half mid-"Cat Cage" and he breaks his face or dick. Preferably both. At the same time.

Why are people so cheap that they think, "Hmm, my wife is going to be vigorously bouncing up and down right above my face...why don't I just build it at home out of cheap ass plastic and some godamn bungee cords?"

And what was that shit about painting the PVC pipe? Is he going to put glitter and unicorn stickers on it?

Jesus, that is a terrible idea. I can already see how it's going to fail. He's going to design it with the idea that the legs need to be strong enough to hold up a bouncing person, ignoring that the way the straps hang on the bars means they have to have quite a lot of lateral strength as well. It's going to flex like a motherfucker and simply not work, possibly failing catastrophically and leading to the aforementioned broken dick/face. He could buy the damn thing for $75 delivered, but instead he's gonna spend half that in materials, waste a bunch of time, and end up with a piece of shit that doesn't work.

[Someone]

Originally Posted by Someone

Jesus, that is a terrible idea. I can already see how it's going to fail. He's going to design it with the idea that the legs need to be strong enough to hold up a bouncing person, ignoring that the way the straps hang on the bars means they have to have quite a lot of lateral strength as well. It's going to flex like a motherfucker and simply not work, possibly failing catastrophically and leading to the aforementioned broken dick/face. He could buy the damn thing for $75 delivered, but instead he's gonna spend half that in materials, waste a bunch of time, and end up with a piece of shit that doesn't work.

In the end, it'll make a good coffee table or conversational piece. After they hose off all the blood and cum of course.

[Someone]

Originally Posted by Someone

Anyway, this thread looks promising:

http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/...d.php?t=753745

It's already got Broomstick and ZPGZealot. Not to mention Omar Little claiming that strange women hit on him ALL THE TIME. Should be good.

That's a strange thread.

This isn't hitting on someone. It's making conversation:

Originally Posted by Someone

Just yesterday, I was at the drugstore getting a prescription filled. Dude walks up behind me and asks if I run. I look up from my phone, "Huh? Oh, uh... no." He turns and walks away and without looking, I toss over my shoulder "Only if I'm being chased by grizzly bears." Which he didn't hear, so he walked back for repetition. By this time, I've taken a good look at him and decided he's sketch, but I encouraged conversation, so now I've got to be polite and go with it. I repeat my silly punchline and ask why he asked. "Oh, um, I was just uh, looking at you, and uh, you seem kinda athletic, so I was wondering if you run." I smiled, said, "Nope. I don't run." And then he politely excused himself.

Right? Conversation that she engaged in. It doesn't sound like he wanted to go at it in the pharmaceutical aisle. Even if he was mildly interested, it hadn't reached "hitting on" status.

And it leads to:

Originally Posted by Someone

In my twenties it was pretty constant. Probably at least once a day.

No. Stop. You had guys making conversation once per day, perhaps. You likely did not have guys hitting on you daily.

[Someone]

Originally Posted by Someone

Right? Conversation that she engaged in. It doesn't sound like he wanted to go at it in the pharmaceutical aisle. Even if he was mildly interested, it hadn't reached "hitting on" status.

Seriously, making a lame joke to keep the conversation is going as the dude is walking away? Yeah, he was really all over you. I will give her one bit of credit, though... I was pretty sure the story was going to involve her telling him or us that she does pole dancing. Apparently she's not as predictable as she once was.

[Someone]

What should I do if my cat catches a mouse? Wildly overthink it, apparently, plus kanicbird on mouse souls and fooling God.

[Someone]

Originally Posted by Someone

No. Stop. You had guys making conversation once per day, perhaps. You likely did not have guys hitting on you daily.

Depends entirely on where she lived and worked.

[Someone]

Admiring a woman's legs is different from saying "nice weather we're having."

[Someone]

Originally Posted by Someone

Cubsfan wants to build a PVC sex chair.

I got one sentence in and knew this thread was not for me.

[Someone]

Originally Posted by Someone

What should I do if my cat catches a mouse? Wildly overthink it, apparently, plus kanicbird on mouse souls and fooling God.

Yikes!

[Someone]

Originally Posted by Someone

What should I do if my cat catches a mouse? Wildly overthink it, apparently...

This guy has so many mice in his house that his cat caught 4 in one day and his biggest concern is how long to let them live?

[Someone]

Originally Posted by Someone

This guy has so many mice in his house that his cat caught 4 in one day and his biggest concern is how long to let them live?

Right? Has he never heard of a thing called pest control? If he's so very worried about mouse suffering get a frikkin pro in there and carpet bomb those shits.

I also can't help but think he lives in squalor or is a hoarder now, what with that many mice taking over.

[Someone]

Originally Posted by Someone

Admiring a woman's legs is different from saying "nice weather we're having."

Maybe not so different if you phrase it "Particularly nice weather".

[Someone]

From the hitting-on thread.

Originally Posted by Someone

Why should I? I'm the one who's NOT in a constant state of annoyance over this.

I guess it's an ego boost for these women to think everybody is hitting on them. Are they looking for evidence that they're attractive?

I'm not gorgeous, and I may not be everybody's cup of tea, but I'm pretty sure that I'm reasonably attractive. I've had plenty of validation over the years and I don't need to keep reassuring myself - especially at the expense of enjoying everyday life and perpetuating negative stereotypes of men.

[Someone]

I was minding my own business while shopping the other day, and this floozy saunters up to me to ask me if I knew where the bread aisle was. I thought, THIS? AGAIN?!

So I responded, "See the ring? That's right, I'm married! I can't help that I'm but a savory man... I still have to make my way in this world. So, move your game somewhere else, WHORE!"


Then her damn kids started crying.

[Someone]

Originally Posted by Someone

Maybe not so different if you phrase it "Particularly nice weather".

"Did it just get HOT in here?" (while fanning self).

[Someone]

Originally Posted by Someone

"Did it just get HOT in here?" (while fanning self).

"Was that thunder, or is that just my balls rumbling?..."

[Someone]

Originally Posted by Someone

Maybe not so different if you phrase it "Particularly nice weather".

"No, no! I'm sorry, you misunderstood me! I said 'tickle your ass with a feather'!"

[Someone]

Originally Posted by Someone

From the hitting-on thread.

I guess it's an ego boost for these women to think everybody is hitting on them. Are they looking for evidence that they're attractive?

I'm not gorgeous, and I may not be everybody's cup of tea, but I'm pretty sure that I'm reasonably attractive. I've had plenty of validation over the years and I don't need to keep reassuring myself - especially at the expense of enjoying everyday life and perpetuating negative stereotypes of men.

So, great weather we're having, eh? [/totally hitting on Green Bean]

[Someone]

Originally Posted by Someone

Sven tossed in a nice burn in response.

You know, it's just not a "random women love it when I hit on them, because I'm so damned good at it" thread without tdn.

[Someone]

Originally Posted by Someone

You know, it's just not a "random women love it when I hit on them, because I'm so damned good at it" thread without tdn.

I understand he's up for parole in another 7 years or so. Not much longer to wait before His Skeeviness returns.

[Someone]

Originally Posted by Someone

You know, it's just not a "random women love it when I hit on them, because I'm so damned good at it" thread without tdn.

Word.

He covered every thread he was in with a layer of slime, but he was certainly an entertaining case.

Originally Posted by Someone

So, great weather we're having, eh? [/totally hitting on Green Bean]

I can't even snark on the Derp without being besieged by horny men.

[Someone]

Hi honey. Do you know how good you'd look sauteed with some almond slices or tossed in szhechuan sauce?

[Someone]

Originally Posted by Someone

Cubsfan wants to build a PVC sex chair.

From that thread:

Originally Posted by Someone

I think the elastic resistance straps I mentioned should do the trick. They come in various widths, and I think you should be able to find some that will hold the weight. And they don't appear to be too expensive, so you can afford to break some while, uh, experimenting.

I think someone is forgetting this (oh, so NSFW) thing that could break "while, uh, experimenting".

Or maybe he's an ER/EM worker, and looking to create for a good story to share.

[Someone]

Originally Posted by Someone

"No, no! I'm sorry, you misunderstood me! I said 'tickle your ass with a feather'!"

Ha ha, I swear I was going to post that.

[Someone]

Oh jesus fucking christ.

In the thread about the latest episode of Mad Men: (no spoilers here)

Originally Posted by Someone

I was talking about this with a girlfriend (in my age group) last night and we said there isn't one guy on the program that we would even be interested in having coffee with. <shrug>

Originally Posted by Someone

Even Stan Rizzo and his luxurious beard?

Originally Posted by Someone

Appearance doesn't get my attention. Beard-no beard, bald-full head of hair, short-tall, fat-thin--none of that is on my radar. There's no guy on the show with a personality I'd like to spend time getting to know.

Well, aren't you more highly evolved than the rest of us?

This thing where people brag about how they don't care about how someone looks drives me so batshit. I can't even put it into words.

I was just teasing about the exceedingly hot Stan Rizzo and his beard because we had just been talking about him and it, but she just HAD to take the opportunity to tell us that she was above caring about such base matters as looks - even when it comes to imaginary people on a TV show.

[Someone]

Originally Posted by Someone

You know, it's just not a "random women love it when I hit on them, because I'm so damned good at it" thread without tdn.

Five'll get you a sawbuck that he injected his dick once too often.