Gah, you cold called me -- get off your high horse

[SpaceDog]

So, I'm at work and I get a call from some financial advice firm (or something, I wasn't really listening). Basically their CEO was going to be in town for a while and wanted to see if I'd go for a 15 minute coffee chat. They knew my name and company, I'm not sure if they actually had my direct extension or got someone to forward them.

None of that is that is too unusual -- the "CEO in town" bit is new, but I have companies phoning to try and offer advice about once a month. I politely decline and that's that.

This time it goes like this:

Me: "I'm sorry, I already have a financial adviser and I'm not interested"
Them: "Of course sir. But what we're really offering is a second or third opinion"
Me: "I'm sorry, I'm not interested"
Them: "Can I ask why, it's no obligation, CEO visit, blah, blah"
Me: "OK, if I'm honest I don't deal with companies that cold call me. How did you get my number?"
Them: "Oh, you must have been referred. We do business with other people at <my company>"
Me: "If someone wants to recommend your services they would have told me in person. You cold called me, how did you get this number?"
Them: "If we didn't call people how would you find out about this?"
Me: "What? I'm not interested."
Them: "That's a missed opportunity. Thank you for your time, sir".

And he sounded genuinely shocked that I wouldn't just have this 15 minute coffee meeting. And I know that's probably how they reel you in, and it's all feigned shock and smooth talking. And the 15 minutes coffee meeting would end up being a glossy hard sell pitch.

And now the fuckers have succeeded in making me feel guilty. And maybe I have just missed the opportunity of the century.

Gah.

[mothedrine]

Is there some reason you don't just hang up on their cold-calling ass? I mean if you're going to feel guilty, you may as well have the pleasure of doing something worth feeling guilty about. No?

[Beastly Rotter]

Did he offer free cheese to taste?

[SpaceDog]

Originally Posted by mothedrine

Is there some reason you don't just hang up on their cold-calling ass? I mean if you're going to feel guilty, you may as well have the pleasure of doing something worth feeling guilty about. No?

I'm terribly British and polite. It would give me the vapors to hang up on someone.

No seriously, unless absolutely enraged I find it very difficult and jarring to hang-up mid-conversation. I realize this is my issue.

No cheese on offer -- that might have swung it for them.

[mothedrine]

I usually hang up before it could properly be called a "conversation."

[Wolf Larsen]

Good financial opportunities never call you. And most financial advice firms underperform the indexes. The big question is asset allocation, which is more a function of age and risk appetite and you don't need a firm making a lot of money off of you to do that.

[THespos]

There's a great way to ensure they don't call you back, or if they do, they'll be offering something more substantive than lunch with the CEO.

Be a dick.

These people are intruding on YOUR workday, distracting you from completing YOUR deliverables in order to try to wring some money out of you. The least they can do is offer up some cool shit.

You see, if you schedule that coffee, fuckface will call you the day of the coffee meeting to explain that something came up last minute and the CEO can't make it. You'll take the meeting out of obligation. Then you'll have to sit through an hour and a half of why this person believes you should stop doing everything you're doing right now to better your financial situation and dump it into the stupid investment du jour.

So be a dick.

"Why should I go to lunch with you? Goldman took me to [insert priciest restaurant in your town here] last week. Merrill Lynch sends me free reports and [insert name of local sports team here] tickets. Now tell me, precisely, why you think you're any good and what you're going to do to get my business."

Either he's going to start ponying up or he'll never call you again. Who knows? Maybe you'll get some enticing crap in the mail. These firms are getting more and more aggressive about getting 15-30 minute meetings. American Express sent me a remote control helicopter in the mail, and told me I'd have to take a 30-minute meeting in order to get the controller. My head of finance already meets regularly with American Express about our account, so I didn't feel bad about referring them over to my finance guy and insisting they send the controller over. (The helicopter was maybe a step up from what you might get in Sharper Image. I crashed it into a fucking tree 5 minutes after I got it.)

So yeah, just act important and entitled and hopefully they'll send you some cool stuff in exchange for having to put up with their stupid bullcrap. Just don't give them any details of your personal financial situation. Drop a hint every once in a while that you might have a pile of cash stuffed in your mattress or something.

[Panacea]

A remote-controlled helicopter ?? I must be in the wrong business!

[Borborygmi]

There's something about the toy helicopter tease transposed with the button-down seriousness of the financial industry that cracks me up.

To help you and your family better understand your personal finances, American Express will make an introductory analysis and provide you with a detailed overview of your current financial situation and suggest a personalized strategy for your financial security. This service is complimentary, confidential and customized for every family that American Express serves.

Will you throw in a free toy helicopter?

Heh, customers really seem to like that helicopter promotion. Yes, of course you'll get your toy helicopter. More importantly, we'll provide you with strategies for paying off credit cards and loans in the quickest, most efficient manner possible with little or no additional cash outlay and, of course, provide you with a detailed analysis of how much money you need to prepare for retirement.

WOOOOOO! HELICOPTER!

Um, yes. And American Express has a wide variety of education funding strategies. Everyone knows that college expenses are going up every year. But only American Express projects actual costs for the specific schools you select, then shows you several strategies for funding your children's education expenses. And, should the unthinkable happen, American Express has a portfolio of services to ensure your family's financial future should you die prematurely.

HELICOPTER! :: makes helicopter noises; runs around room ::

[Doyle]

I think you'd been a fine Amway salesman.

[SpaceDog]

Free helicopters? Wow, normally it's shit like luggage tags or something. A helicopter would really freak out the cat. To be fair a luggage tag could easily freak out the cat. The cat is crazy.

I've clearly been missing out on trying to blag some free stuff, maybe I'll encourage them to send me some crap next time.

Thanks everyone, once again I just needed to rant but good to hear that everyone agrees that decent firms don't need to cold call people.

[Colonel Plink]

I love real person cold calls to my home. I've got a lifetime's practice being creepy.

[mothedrine]

Originally Posted by Colonel Plink

I love real person cold calls to my home. I've got a lifetime's practice being creepy.

'Why yes, I would love some financial advice. Can you help me . . . how should I put this . . . "recycle" cash I derive from my various legitimate businesses? Also, can you give me a referral for a good crime scene clean up firm?'

[Chacoguy]

Originally Posted by Wolf Larsen

Good financial opportunities never call you.

::Faints Dead Away::

[Wolf Larsen]

Hard to believe, I know, but people that have money making schemes that actually work, don't usually share them.

[Harry]

Originally Posted by Wolf Larsen

Hard to believe, I know, but people that have money making schemes that actually work, don't usually share them.

Unless, of course, sharing them is their money-making scheme.

[Wolf Larsen]

For only $49.95, you can have a copy of the Wolf Larsen Trading Method. But you have to act today.

[Harry]

Gosh, I find I am financially embarassed. Can you spot me the cost of the Method until the checks come rolling in?

[mothedrine]

Originally Posted by Harry

Unless, of course, sharing them is their money-making scheme.

Bingo. Why search for gold when you can sell picks and shovels to the miners?

[Argyle Sock]

Originally Posted by Wolf Larsen

Hard to believe, I know, but people that have money making schemes that actually work, don't usually share them.

Yeah, this is an old scam in the horse racing biz. Anybody that has a method that works, it only works if nobody else is doing it, and you can make far more betting it yourself than selling the picks to others. Plus, when you sell it to others, it stops working because too much money is then chasing your picks. I always assume the same math works against you in any financial scheme that relies on cold-calls. And I'm probably right.

[mothedrine]

I think there are exceptions though, like technical analysis of stocks. First I should say that I think it may work for very short term moves but that over the longer term it will be overwhelmed by fundamentals.

However to the extent that it does work, it is very much a black art and one's success is determined by a host of intangible factors in addition to your level of expertise and the tools that you use. So for example you can have 2 people using the same techniques with the same charts have them draw opposite conclusions.

Therefore anyone selling a TA newsletter can do quite well as long as they provide some insight into the various techniques.

[Tripler]

Originally Posted by THespos

There's a great way to ensure they don't call you back, or if they do, they'll be offering something more substantive than lunch with the CEO.

Be a dick.

I started teaching myself this skill at work. There are, literally 10,000 civilians on my base, and a vast majority of them thinks their shit don't stink. One of them, our "Safety Manager," wanted to schedule useless meetings to talk about inane shit where either a phone call or even an email would be more appropriate. He once put my name and phone number on an OSHA piece of paper (as me being the 'supervisor completing the report--I didn't), and I called him out on it, so he knows I have his balls in a vice. He knew then, and knows now that I can't stand his useless ass.

I was in a group finance/budget meeting one day, and at the tail end of it, as I'm leaving the room, he steps in front of me and says, "Tripler do you have two minutes?" Nothing takes two minutes, but thankfully, Scott Glenn from Hunt for Red October popped into my head. Long faced and channeling Bart Mancuso I say, "You have two minutes, Mr Smith." He proceeded to yak and yak but not really deliver any punchlines/questions/observations/etc. I interrupted him mid sentence, "Mr Smith, I am leaving. You may email me." He blinked twice, and I stepped right the fuck around him and walked off.

Haven't heard from that useless windbag since April of this year. He won't even call me when there is something legitimate--he calls the Squadron secretary to ask if he can forward her paperwork so she can bring it into me for signature. I am now far more productive.

Originally Posted by Colonel Plink

I love real person cold calls to my home. I've got a lifetime's practice being creepy.

True story from Monday:

Shop phone rings. . .
Me: EOD, Tripler speaking.
Caller: Hi, this is blahblahblah from LRS. I'm looking for Tech Sergeant Schmoe. . .
Me: Sorry ma'am, he's out of the office. Is there something I can help you with?
Caller: He needs to take a class. I've emailed him, but he hasn't responded.
Me: Oh I see. TSgt Schmoe has been TDY [business trip] for the past two weeks, and he's on leave today.
Caller: But I emailed him last week.
Me: I understand that ma'am, but he's been out of the office for two weeks, away from connectivity.
Caller: Well I need him to take a class. . . and it has to be done.
_{I'm starting to get my hackles raised at this point. Random people don't task my people for useless shit.}
Me: As I mentioned, he's been out the past two weeks, and is on leave this week.
Caller: Well can he get this online class done by the end of the month?
Me: No ma'am, because he goes TDY with me next weekend, for another couple of weeks.
Caller: Well is this TDY important?
Me: Yes ma'am, it is. It is EOD predeployment training.
Caller: And on whose authority is he being sent?
Me: I beg your pardon? He's going on my authority. I am his Commander, and I am sending him to EOD training.
Caller: And when will he be back?
Me: Approximately mid-August.
Caller: He won't be back any sooner?
Me: Mid-August.
Caller: Alright, thank you. . . **click**

I later confirmed my suspicions that it's useless online training in how to fill out Hazardous Materials declaration paperwork. There's a goddamned war going on, and he's soon to deploy--it can fucking wait.

I wish I had heard her name the first time.

Tripler
AFMC = A Few Million (useless) Civilians.

[Argyle Sock]

*clap* *clap* *clap*

Tripler, that is gold. Pure comedy gold. And it sounds just like the idiots we all have to deal with. I drop my pants (and my underwear, too, then bend over to show my ass) in awe of that.

The only problem I have, is your "J3, JSOTF Giraffe" shit. You're bullshitting. That could only have come from a J5 or a J2 office. And I'd lay very good odds on J2.

[Jaglavak]

Originally Posted by SpaceDog

And he sounded genuinely shocked...it's all feigned shock and smooth talking.

Let me put it this way; there aren't a lot of lucrative job opportunities for drama school graduates right now. No need to be harsh, but I do interrupt them and say have a nice day.

[severe delays]

Well you're all much more polite than I. As soon as it seems to be a sales call I say "ThankyouI'mNotInterestedGoodbye*click*". I figure if there's no room to interrupt then there's no room to argue.

[Tripler]

Originally Posted by Argyle Sock

*clap* *clap* *clap*

Tripler, that is gold. Pure comedy gold. And it sounds just like the idiots we all have to deal with. I drop my pants (and my underwear, too, then bend over to show my ass) in awe of that.

Thank you. I used to be able to, but I just can't make this shit up anymore. . .

Originally Posted by Argyle Sock

The only problem I have, is your "J3, JSOTF Giraffe" shit. You're bullshitting. That could only have come from a J5 or a J2 office. And I'd lay very good odds on J2.

Nope, 'tis true. I talked with Giraffe and I picked up the Ops arm of the branch. Bear Nenno has one company on-the-line, and I've got the other platoon; but because of my Staff time, I got "promoted" to a dual-hat status. I haven't been down the hall in awhile, but I thought Uthrect was in the J2 shop and Chaco and KidVermicious headed up J4 & J5 respectively.

So I get to do all of the ops planning PowerPoint slides for Giraffe.

Tripler
I'll post you an example when I get back.

[KidVermicious]

Originally Posted by Tripler

Chaco and KidVermicious headed up J4 & J5 respectively.

"Strategic Plans and Policy" ... means I get to sit on my ass and make up shit for the rest of you to do, right?

[Chacoguy]

I'm some kind of weird van.

[Jaglavak]

Paint it red and drop in an elephant motor, and you'll be fucking gold!

[SpaceDog]

This thread has taken a somewhat odd turn over the weekend and I'm not sure I fully understand anymore.

Never mind, carry on regardless.

[KidVermicious]

Originally Posted by SpaceDog

This thread has taken a somewhat odd turn over the weekend and I'm not sure I fully understand anymore.

Welcome to the Geeb. You didn't really think we were capable of staying on topic, did you?

[Control-Z]

Originally Posted by SpaceDog

I'm terribly British and polite. It would give me the vapors to hang up on someone.

No seriously, unless absolutely enraged I find it very difficult and jarring to hang-up mid-conversation. I realize this is my issue.

But really the cold-calling bastards don't deserve your politeness. A simple "I'm sorry, I'm not interested" and hanging up ends the conversation decisively and somewhat politely.

[Uthrecht]

Originally Posted by SpaceDog

This thread has taken a somewhat odd turn over the weekend and I'm not sure I fully understand anymore.

There's nothing to understand here, citizen. Move along.

[Velveeta Jones]

Here's how you handle cold callers and telemarketers:

Caller: This is blah blah from some financial company you've never heard of!
Me: <click>

Easy peasy.

[The Futility of Nihilism]

Originally Posted by Control-Z

But really the cold-calling bastards don't deserve your politeness. A simple "I'm sorry, I'm not interested" and hanging up ends the conversation decisively and somewhat politely.

Quite right. Furthermore, SpaceDog, quickly interrupting and saying you're not interested is, IMHO, more polite than hanging on and waiting for a lull in their sales pitch before attempting to find a way out. By quickly ending the call you help the salesman move on to the next number on their list.

Hmmm. Now that I think about it, I like your way better. Keep them on the line as long as possible without ever committing to anything. Wasting a telemarketers time is a good thing!

[Jaglavak]

And then at the very end, lay the phone down on a fax machine that's turned up all the way.

[Dragonlady]

Or just say "Can you hold on one second?", put the phone down and walk away.

[Velveeta Jones]

Originally Posted by Jaglavak

And then at the very end, lay the phone down on a fax machine that's turned up all the way.

Or fart in it.

[Jaglavak]

Or perhaps an endless loop of non committal noises like, 'yup', 'uh huh', and 'go on'.