Indecent Poetry Collection

I seem to have a thing for writing fucked up parody versions of famous poems, so I've decided to compile them here for your amusement. Or recreational outrage, that's good too.

This first one was inspired by a friend of a friend (of a friend? I can't remember how many levels of indirection we're talking here). Anyway, this person was in a production of Pirates of Penzance and a bunch of us ended up going. I wrote this on my friend's FB invitation page. He later said it was "the nerdiest thing ever," which is totally awesome.

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I am the very model of a video game tester guy,
I'm also very good with words, I make this shit up on the fly,
You ask me why I'm up so late, I have the perfect alibi,
I have to mine these asteroids to build a spaceship I can fly,
EVE Online is a cutthroat place, it's pay attention, do or die,
Like 28 Days Later where the end's extremely fucking nigh,
OK, so well, it's not that bad, I really cannot tell a lie,
I am the very model of a video game tester guy.

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The next two were posted to this thread about a coworker's poor compliance with restroom etiquette. It quickly devolved into a shit poetry contest (literally and figuratively).

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I met a traveller from an antique land
Who said: A vast and flawless bowl of white
Stands in a warehouse. Near it lies a strand
Of rope; an upturned tile, once was right;
A vendor filled with condoms, unknown brand.
Rotting stacks of goods stood on the concrete
Floor still, strange shiny things beyond my ken,
The outer walls collapsed onto the street.
Scratched on the rusty stall these words appear:
"My name is Bubba Jim Bob Smith, man of men:
Choke on my stench, ye fuckers, and despair!"
Nothing beside remains. Amongst the mass
Of broken beams, machinery, stale air,
There lingers on the shade of putrid ass.

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5 miles, 5 miles,
__5 miles onward,
All in the valley of Death
__Drove the half-dozen.
"Forward, the Frat Brigade!
"Charge for the head!" he said:
Into the valley of Death
__Drove the half-dozen.

"Forward, the Frat Brigade!"
Not one had gotten laid,
Due to some funky brew:
__Someone had blunder'd.
No one could make reply,
No one could reason why,
Doubled up, like to die:
Into the valley of Death
__Drove the half-dozen.

Buses to right of them,
Sports cars to left of them,
Wagons in front of them,
__Hoot'd and holler'd;
Storm'd at with cups as well,
Sound was a deathly knell,
Into the jaws of Death,
Into the mouth of Hell
__Drove the half-dozen.

Flash'd all their asses bare,
Flash'd as they turn'd in air,
Mooning the heckl'rs there,
Charging the highway, while
__All the world wonder'd:
Plunged in the tire-smoke
Right o'er the line they broke;
Delta and Sigma
Reel'd from the gassy stroke
__Shatter'd and sunder'd.
Then they drove back, but not
__Not the half-dozen.

Buses to right of them,
Sports cars to left of them,
Wagons behind them,
__Hoot'd and holler'd;
Storm'd at with cups as well,
While car and frat boy fell,
They that had shat so well
Came thro' the jaws of Death
Back from the mouth of Hell,
All that was left of them,
__Left of half-dozen.

When can their story fade?
O the dumb charge they made!
__All the world wonder'd.
Shitty the charge they made,
Shitty the Frat Brigade,
__Asshole half-dozen.

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And finally there's this one from my thread about a guy who - well, just see for yourself.

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In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced when called a choad.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head lies bloody, on the road.

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If I wasn't going to Hell already, that one probably bought me a ticket. Well that's all for now, tune in next time!