How to support friends going through a divorce?

[mlerose]

Two of our friends in Colorado have decided to split (amicably). This is the first couple I've known to go through a divorce (I know other divorced people, but they were divorced before I met them). I'd like to stay friends with both halves of the couple and be supportive of their decision and their new lives, however those end up, but since we're not even in the state anymore I'm not sure how to go about doing that. Any advice from those who have divorced or watched others go through the process?

[Giraffe]

Ugh, that's the worst. It's so much easier when you're just friends with one of them.

I've only been in this situation when the people were dating, not married, which isn't quite the same thing but I suspect the advice still works. Basically, I think just initiating contact goes a long way toward alleviating fears that you're closer to the other person and won't want to talk to them anymore after the split. When you're in the same place, it's actually trickier, because you have to work harder to share time without ending up in the middle. You also have to avoid becoming an information conduit about the other's activities or actions.

Remotely, I'd just email/call/whatever as much as you can. If they want to talk about the other person, listen but don't actively participate: e.g. you can say "oy, that sounds frustrating", but you can't say "yeah, it bugs the shit out of me when he/she does that too." As much as possible, try to treat them like friends you know from different places who don't know each other: don't bring up the other person, focus on the relationship between the two of you. All of this is way easier said than done, though.

[mlerose]

Thanks, that is some good advice. Now that I think about it, we did have another friend go through divorce several years ago, but we were only friends with her and not with her ex-husband so navigating that whole thing was much easier.

Of course all this is making me insanely curious about WHY they decided to split, but I figure if they wanted us to know, they would have told us.

[hatesfreedom]

It's pretty easy if you live around them, if you don't; I don't know post about your problems on a forum or something. Maybe that'll help.

[Anacanapuna]

Just as Plink's first divorce was starting, I provided support by bailing him out of the Boulder County Jail. The rest of them (Plink's and tommy tutone's ) I just stood back and watched, awed by the scope of the wreckage. I think I applauded.

[Beadalin]

I went through an amicable divorce and my ex and I had a few genuinely mutual friends. Here's what helped most:

1) State explicitly that you love them both and will not take sides. I was really surprised at how many of "our" friends turned out to be either "mine" or "his," without us ever asking or telling anyone that they had to pick one of us. Having a few people state outright that they wouldn't pick sides was helpful, and they were the people I knew I could talk to without having to deal with criticism of me or of my ex.

2) Acknowledge the difficulty of the situation without assigning blame.

3) Check in with each of them separately in low-stakes communications first, so that while emotions are raw they can respond when and if it's doable.

That's about it, really. I'm sure they'll both appreciate your support.

[eleanorigby]

Excellent advice, but I would add to be patient and forbearing. No matter how amicable, this is a massive life status change for both parties. You're bound to see some odd behavior at some point. Their external responsibilities may not have changed all that much, but they are working through their grief at the loss of the marriage, their partner and mostly their dream. That takes a lot of energy. Expect them to be distracted or preoccupied or practically manic in refusing to sit down and be still etc. These are just a few possibilities-everyone is different.


[rather pointless digression follows]
TH has a childhood friend who put her husband through med school etc working in a lab. He got through his Fellowship and promptly ran off with a nurse, leaving this friend with 2 very small boys and no college degree of her own. We got some very odd Xmas cards for more than several years. I didn't know it was possible to be bitterly venomous in an Xmas card, but this woman managed it. But she healed (and found someone else whom she is dating) and now her Xmas cards are the sentimental claptrap they should be. But it was offputting to say the least--and she lived 4 states away. I can only imagine what going out for coffee with her would have been like!

[wring]

I agree w/much of what's been posted. I joke that my divorce settlement was that he'd get the blow dryer and the iron, and I got the kids, the cats and the friends. In reality, there were people who were 'friends' of both of us, the ones that I kept a friendship w/ tmaintained their support of me as an individual and tried to do the same for my ex (but he was really into 'you're either on my side or hers' type of thing). One woman was his supervisor at work and an almost mother figure for him, has remained a very close friend of mine for the past 20+ years (she's pretty wonderful). and she did exactly the sorts of things spoken of , remained supportive of both, refusing to trash the other party.

It was frankly more difficult to deal w/folks who'd been friends of mine specifically before the marriage - they often were all about trashing him, telling me they'd known I was making a mistake when I married him (not at all helpful, by the way) etc.

IF you were local, I'd say try and do normal things 'let's go to the movies, lunch' whatever, but long distance, keep in touch, don't make it all about the divorce - more contact, not even the 'just thinking about you' stuff, but maybe "hey, I found this funny picture/story" whatever. There's enough drama going on for them, a patch of normal is nice.