Two Cheap Jokes Involving Religion

[Flying Saucerian]

Cheap Joke One: Recently drove past a local church and saw their little thrift store where they sell donated clothes to indigants was called God's Closet. I would have stopped but I was afraid I'd open the door and all these Catholic priests would fall out...

Cheap Joke Two: CD noticed in a bargain bin, Mahalia Jackson's I'm Going To Tell God. Noone likes a tattletale, Mahalia.

Thank you.

[ulfhjorr]

Oh my god, these are so offensive! I can't believe you could be so insensitive toward people's beliefs!!

[Uthrecht]

Hey, this is a cheap religion joke thread. I'll thank you not to come in here threadshitting with your outrage.

[Taur]

Originally Posted by Uthrecht

Hey, this is a cheap religion joke thread.

So...nothing but Jewish jokes are allowed?

[Argyle Sock]

So the Jew bends over and POOF, the Greek disappears...

[Annoying Retard Nonny]

What do you call a Christian with a bulldozer on his head?

Dead.

[Annoying Retard Nonny]

How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

Two: one to change the light bulb, and another to hold the ladder.

[Scuba Ben]

In all balance to Nonny's previous joke.

HML(old-school Jewish mothers)?

"That's all right, son, I'll just sit here in the dark."

[Chacoguy]

What's Black and White and Red all over and can't turn around in an elevator?

A nun with a spear through her head.

[Taur]

Originally Posted by Chacoguy

What's Black and White and Red all over and can't turn around in an elevator?

TEARS...ROLLING DOWN MY FACE

[Chacoguy]

Eight years of Catholic school.

[ulfhjorr]

What's black and white and black and white and black and white and black and blue and black and blue and black and red?

A nun falling down the stairs

[Chacoguy]

That's the sister joke to mine.

[Random Precision]

Why do you always take two Baptists when you go fishing?

Because if you only take one, he'll drink all of your beer.

Why do Baptists never have sex standing up?

They're afraid that if someone sees them, they might think they are dancing.

[Khampelf]

A priest and a rabbi are on a long airplane trip together and get to talking.

"So, have you ever broken the kosher laws, Rabbi?"

"Yes, I must confess. In my youth in a pique of rebellion and curiosity I went across town where no one would recognize me and ordered pork chops in a restaurant.

So, you tell me, Father, have you ever broken your vow of celibacy?"

"I, too must confess. Two years out of seminary I had an affair with the parish choir director."



"Better than pork, isn't it?"

[The Futility of Nihilism]

So after the big interfaith gathering, a Catholic priest, a Baptist minister, and a rabbi were chatting. The subject arose of how much of their congregations' money went to community needs and how much they kept themselves to live on.

The priest said, "This may seem a bit silly but it's worked well for me for years. I draw a circle on the ground, gather all the donations for the week, and throw the money up in the air. Whatever lands inside is for God and whatever lands outside I keep for myself."

The minister said, "What a coincidence! I use the same system, only whatever lands outside the circle is for God, and I keep whatever lands inside."

The rabbi said, "This is amazing! My system is quite similar, except I don't draw a circle at all. I simply throw the money up in the air, and whatever God wants, God keeps."

[Wolf Larsen]

A rabbi, a priest and a shaman walk into a bar.

The bartender says "Is this some kind of joke?"

[Mustard Stain]

Originally Posted by Chacoguy

That's the sister joke to mine.

Don't you mean the reverend mother joke to yours?

[mwm]

A hotel is hosting a Baptist ministers convention and a sales convention. The for their last day luncheon, both groups had ordered watermelon as a refresher, except the salesmen wanted theirs 'plugged'. The hotel was happy to comply.
The two groups were served, when one of the salesmen called the waiter over. "Taste this!", he said. The waiter did and was shocked to find it was not the spiked melon. Then realization hit.
As he told the head waiter about the mix-up, the head waiter said, "Well, did you warn the Baptists?!?"
"I tried, but they were too busy stuffing the seeds in their pockets to listen."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Baptist, an Episcopalian, and a Pentacostal went fishing out on a lake one day. The Episcopalian said, "Drat, I've left my tacklebox on shore. Sorry, fellas, but we'll need to go back to get it."
"Nonsense.", exclaimed the Baptist. "I'll just run back to shore and get it." With that, he promptly hopped out of the boat, ran across the water, grabbed the box, ran back, climbed in the boat, all with barely getting his shoes wet.
"That's preposterous! You don't even believe in modern miracles! If you can do that, then I, with my faith, surely can!", bellowed the Pentacostal. He then jumped out of the boat and immediately sank to the bottom.
"Guess I should've told him where the rocks are.", winked the Baptist.

[DoubleJ]

What's the difference between a Catholic priest and a Baptist minister?

The priest will say hi when you see him at the liquor store.

[mwm]

The local preacher and the town chief of police had often butted heads. They just could not seem to agree on anything. One day, the preacher arrived at his church to find a donkey had died on the church lawn. Being a small town and having no animal control or sanitation department, he called the chief.
"There's a dead jackass on the church lawn."
"So? Burying the dead's your problem. Why call me?"
"Well, we also make sure to notify the next of kin..."

[Knee]

Originally Posted by DoubleJ

What's the difference between a Catholic priest and a Baptist minister?

The priest will say hi when you see him at the liquor store.

My Lutheran pastor used to tell the same joke with Lutheran in place of Catholic. Often.

[Clothahump]

A new graduate from the seminary is assigned to a church in a very rough part of town. On his first day, he decides to walk around his new parish and get to know people.

As he's walking down the street, he passes a hooker on a corner who says "Hey, twenty dollars for a quicky". Confused, he walks past another corner and another hooker says "Hey padre, twenty dollars for a quicky". He has no idea whats going on, so he returns to the monastary and finds the old priest in charge.

He says, "Father, I just walked around the parish and women kept offering me a quicky for twenty dollars. What are they talking about?" The old priest says, "I don't know. Let's go ask the Mother Superior at the convent."

They walk next door to the convent and ask to see the Mother Superior. She ushers them into her office. The new priest explains the situation and asks her "What's a quicky?" She replies "Twenty dollars, same as the girls on the corner."

[Little Nemo]

Jesus and Moses are up in Heaven and decide to go fishing. So they take a boat and row out into a lake. Being as it's Heaven, the fishing is great and they're catching one fish after another. But they're distracted and they don't notice the oars have slipped out of the locks and floated away.

Moses is really upset, "This is terrible, Jesus. Now we're going to have to swim back to shore. We'll lose our boat and all our fish. And we'll be soaking wet."

Jesus says, "Moses, you forget who you're with. I'm Jesus. I can walk on water. I'll just walk over and grab those oars and be right back."

So Jesus hops over the side of the boat, takes a couple of steps, and SPLASH into the water he goes.

Moses grabs Jesus and pulls him back into the boat and asks "Jesus, what happened?"

Jesus answers, "My fault, I wasn't concentrating. I'm focused now." And he hops over the side again. But again he only takes a couple of steps and SPLASH back into the water.

Moses pulls him back again and Jesus says, "My mistake. It's not concentration, it's faith. I just need to remember I'm the Son of God, I can do this."

Once again, he goes over the side. And once again he only makes it a couple of steps before it's SPLASH again.

Moses pulls him in one more time and asks, "Jesus, I know you've done this before. What's the problem?"

Jesus says, "I don't know. The only thing I can figure is the last time I tried this, I didn't have these holes in my feet."

[Khampelf]

A nun goes into a liquor store and asks for a pint of bourbon.

"I can't sell liquor to a nun!" protests the shopkeeper.

"Relax, my child. It's for the Mother Superior's constipation. It's medical."

With reservations, he sells the liquor to the nun.

Later, as he's walking home, he sees the nun again in the park. Her habit is disheveled, and she's sprawled across a bench singing bawdy songs.

He goes up to her awroth. "You said that bourbon was for the Mother Superior's constipation!"

The nun giggles.

"It is, when she sees me, she's gonna SHIT!.

[stormie]

so we know why these are the cheap jokes . . .

[iampunha]

The version here just has no spirit, so ...

Jesus and Moses are out playing golf one day. Jesus had birdied the first four holes, Moses the first and third.

They've reached the fifth hole, which is surrounded by a water hazard.

Jesus takes out his six iron and says to Moses, "I saw Arnold Palmer do this with a six iron. If he can do it, surely I can."

Jesus swings and hits a towering shot that lands on the green, then rolls into the water. He starts to walk slowly toward the water, but Moses stops him.

"You've already done enough for humanity," Moses says. "The least I can do is fetch one golf ball for you."

Jesus thanks him, and Moses runs off, parts the water, gets the ball back, unparts the water, cleans the off and runs back, thoroughly gassed.

Jesus touches the ball and it's instantly clean. With Moses in the midst of fast recovery breaths, Jesus speaks to himself, as he lines up the shot, "1974 Masters ... feet just right, hands just right, shoulders straight, wind up and ... bang!"

Jesus looks up and sees he's hooked the shot. It sails the needed length but is left of the green by a good 20 yards.

"Telling you, five iron," Moses mutters.

"My God, my God, why have you forsaken," Jesus starts, then finishes, "this poor sap to go get my ball again!"

Moses shakes his head in annoyance, then jogs to the water hazard this time. He parts it, gets the ball, unparts it, cleans the ball off and now walks back to Jesus.

"Last time," Moses says. "Just use a five iron. Please. For the love of God."

"Oh, I have that," Jesus says as Moses realizes what he's said. "And that's how I know I'm going to get it this time."

"You are going to get it this time," Moses shoots back. "You're getting it on the green or you're getting the ball back. I'm tired of being your gofer."

Jesus lines up the shot again, this time taking a few practice swings. He swings hard and visualizes the ball not only landing and staying on the green but going in for a hole in one.

"OK, I got this," Jesus says. "Arnold did it. I can do it. Golf is my game, dude."

He lines the shot up and hits it squarely into the water.

Moses just points at it.

"Could you -- " Jesus starts, then puts his head down and starts walking to the hazard.

Moses takes his six iron out and hits his ball onto the green.

As he's walking to get to the green for his birdie putt, he sees Jesus walking on the hazard, trying to see his ball.

Two other golfers have their iPhones out and are busily taking photographs of this man who is walking on the water.

"Hey, dude --" they shout at Jesus, who waves them off angrily as he tries to find his little white ball in amid the muck of the bottom of the hazard.

Moses walks up to the edge of the water, near where Jesus is.

"Don't help me!" Jesus says without seeing him. "I don't want to pull a groin when you part the water between my feet."

Moses spies the other golfers and walks toward them to ask them how their rounds are going.

"Hey, dude!" one of them shouts to him.

"Yeah, what's up?" Moses replies.

"Who does that guy think he is, walking on the water? Jesus Christ?"

Moses shakes his head, thoroughly annoyed at how long this round is already taking. "No. Not Jesus Christ. Arnold Palmer."

[Craneop2]

'Punha That Joke is plageurized!

[Clothahump]

Nah, it's the original. The plagerized version uses Tiger Woods.

[prr]

Keep going, eventually someone will spell 'plagiarized' correctly.

That was my first TLDR joke, ever--I fell asleep twice in the course of reading it.

[The Futility of Nihilism]

Originally Posted by prr

Keep going, eventually someone will spell 'plagiarized' correctly.

Are you sure they didn't mean "plaguerized"? I.e., infected with the plague.

[iampunha]

Originally Posted by prr

Keep going, eventually someone will spell 'plagiarized' correctly.

That was my first TLDR joke, ever--I fell asleep twice in the course of reading it.

The first two are free. After that, you have to employ me as a certified sleep aid.

[ulfhjorr]

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up like an altar boy

[Merestil Haye]

I was searching a now-moribund board I used to post on for a joke I remember typing elsewhere, and came across this one by a poster named Princess Tigerlily.

Three priests were in a railroad station on their way home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, well endowed woman wearing a very tight, skimpy sweater. She made the three priests very nervous, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window. "Young lady, I would like three pickets to Titsburg." He completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest goes to the window. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would Like the change in nipples and dimes." Mortified, he too fled.

"Morons...." the third priest mutters and moves to the window. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And, if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his Peter at you."

...They took the bus.

[Khampelf]

There were a priest and a rabbi who shared a house for economical reasons. They got along well and many interesting conversations. It worked so well, they decided to share expenses on a car as well, after comparing schedules. They agreed it would be a strictly secular car, so to speak. No St. Christopher medals on the dash, no Christian fish on the trunk, no such decoration. The first night they had the car, the rabbi hears something in the garage. Fearful for the new car he rushes out and peeks in. There is the priest, shaking holy water onto the hood, blessing the car. He feels this is an abrogation of their agreement and is kinda miffed about it.

So the next night he takes 2" off of the tailpipe with a hacksaw.

[Sleel]

Two nuns were strolling through the park at dusk, when two men jumped them, ripped off their habits, and proceeded to rape them.

Sister Gregory, bruised and battered, looked up at the sky, and said softly, "Forgive him, for he knows not what he does."

Sister Theresa looked over at her and said enthusiastically, "Mine does!"

***

A rabbi and a priest got into a bad car accident. Both cars were totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics was hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi saw the priest's collar and said, "So, you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's almost nothing left of them, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."

The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the priest.

The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police."

***
(This one dates from the early 2000s when I learned it. Since I don't play golf, no idea how relevant it is anymore.)

The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from the leader of Israel. "Your Holiness" said one of the Cardinals, "He wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."

The Pope thought is was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Have we not," he asked "a cardinal who can represent me against the leader of Israel?"

"None that plays golf very well," a cardinal said. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklas, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a cardinal; then ask him to play the Prime Minister as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."

Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said the world-class golfer.

"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope. "Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."

"There's bad news?" the Pope asked.

Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Woods by three strokes."

***

Two young nuns, having just been ordained, were on a holiday in New York City and were standing in front of the gorilla cage at the Bronx Zoo.

The gorilla took one look at this beautiful young nun, bent the bars, lept to the ground and ravished her. Then he went back into his cage, straightened the bars and resumed thumping on his massive chest.

The young nun got up off the ground, straightened and dusted her clothes, turned to her companion and said,"We shall never talk about this, agreed?" The other young nun consented.

Twenty five years later the two nuns, who had stayed close friends, were out having coffee, when all of the sudden, the second nun asked her friend," I know I agreed never to talk about the event at the zoo but I have one question."

The other nun stared and said,"O.K., one question!"

The other nun stammered, then asked, "Did it hurt?"

"Did it hurt ? Yes it hurt! He never visited, he never phoned, he never sent flowers!"

[jali]

Web comic joke.