It's Friday- here's a joke...

[blank]

The Italian Lover

The Italian Lover, a virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido, was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman.

Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, 'So, you finish?'

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, 'No.'

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, 'You finish?'

Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, 'No.'

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, 'You
finish?'

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispered in his ear, 'No, I Norwegian.'

[Mycroft Holmes]

One Day Ima go to Detroit to a Bigga Otel, I go down to eata breakfast, I
tella waitress, I wanna two pisses of toast. She brings me only one piss.
I tella her I wanta two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say to her you
no understand, I wanna two piss on my plate. She say you better not piss
on the plate you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she calla
me a sonna ma bitch.

Later I go to eata lunch ata drake restaurant. The waitress bringa me a
spoon anda knife but no fock. I tella her, I wanna fock. She tella me
everybody wanna fock. I tella her you no understand, I wanna fock on the
table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna Ma bitch.
I don't even know the lady and she calla me a sonna ma bitch.

So I go back to my room inna Otel, and there's no sheet on my bed. I calla
the manager anna tella him I wanna sheet. He tella me to go to the toilet.
So I say, you no understand, I wanna sheet on my bed. He say you better
not sheet on the bed you sonna ma bitch.

I go to check out anda the man at the desk say. Peace to you, I say Piss
on you too, you sonna ma bitch.

I go back to Italy.

[Mycroft Holmes]

Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja!...
Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.

[hakuna matata]

An Irishman went to confession. "Father," he confessed, "it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month."

The priest told the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Marys."

Soon,another Irishman entered the confessional."Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've been having sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest questioned, "Who is this Nookie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replied.

"Very well," sighed the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Marys."

At mass the next morning as the priest was preparing to deliver the sermon a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redhead entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church were on her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short and she was wearing shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as she sat with her legs spread slightly apart ....just enough to reveal that she wasn't wearing any underwear. The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, "Is that Nookie Green?"

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears, but managed to calmly reply, "No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes."

[jali]

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her..'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads..

[Khampelf]

Originally Posted by Mycroft Holmes

Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja!...
Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.

Goddamit! Are you trying to kill us all?

[Khampelf]

Well, to continue the theme.

The parish priest is hearing confession. A man steps into the booth, and without preamble, begins to relate a sordid story.

Last night, I was walking home when these two sixteen year old girls ask me to buy alcohol for them. I know it's wrong, buy you're only young once. I buy them the wine, and then they invite me to come with them. Such fun I haven't had in years. We drank, we danced, and the wine got the better of us, and the three of us made love all night long, a dozen times it must have been.

"This is very serious." says the priest.
"how long has it been since your last confession?"

Confession? Never, I'm Jewish.

"So, why are you telling me about this?"


I'm telling everyone about this!

[Zeener Diode]

THE VICAR'S SALARY

At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.

Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the south-east stands up and proclaims:

'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Honda Civic every year and a people carrier for his wife to transport their children!'

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, if the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!'

More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Vicar stays, I will give him sex..'

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her:

'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?'

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:

'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Fuck him'.

[Zeener Diode]

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the 11 year
old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to
come over.

Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but none the less inquired, 'An, ID
ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Richard grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error
before?''

No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it
out.'


So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like the little shit....

[Zeener Diode]

The dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot. 'No way! No needles. I hate needles' the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects. "I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!"

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection," the patient says. "I'm fine with pills."

The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra."

The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

"It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."

[Sleel]

Keeping with the confession theme:

There once was a young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass and then drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

"No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

[InappropriateHumor]

A farmer goes to the vet with a problem. His bull isn't servicing his cows and his livelihood depends on having new calves. The vet gives the farmer a pill to give his bull more vitality. A few days later the farmer is back:

"Doc, the pill you gave me didn't do the trick, the bull just stands around in the pasture eating. He doesn't even give the cows a sniff!"

"Okay," says doc, "give him a shot of this." and sends the farmer home with a bottle of elixer.

A few days later the farmer's back at the vet's. "Doc, that elixir you gave me didn't do nothin' at all for my bull!"

"Okay, I didn't want to do this," doc explains, "but we can't have things stand this way. This is going to sound strange, but here's what you need to do. Go out to the pasture with your cows. Lift up one of their tails and rub your fist around her vagina. Then head right to your bull and rub that fist in his nose. I guarantee he'll take care of business."

The farmer leaves the vet's office feeling cheated. He does his chores, all the while keeping an eye on the bull. Nothing.

After a few hours the farmer thinks, "Well, what do I have to lose?" so he heads out to the pasture and lifts one of the cow's tails, closes his eyes and rubs his fist around. He did as the vet recommended and rubbed his fist in the bull's nose. He went home (and washed his hands) and went to bed.

After a few weeks he discovered that almost all his cows were pregnant! He couldn't believe it!

After this spectacular success, the farmer starts thinking maybe he could use this technique for himself. He had been having trouble "servicing" his wife, and things at home had gotten a little cool so he thinks he'll give it try himself.

Late one night after his wife had already gone to bed, the farmer approached his sleeping wife, lifted her nightgown, rubbed his fist around and then rupped it on his own nose. Sure enough, he instantly got an enormous erection! He was so excited, he flipped on the light and shouted to his wife, "Wake up! Look honey!"

His wife turns a bleary eye on her husband and mutters, "You woke me up just to tell me you have a bloody nose?!"

With apologies to my grandmother for telling her joke while drunk.

[hakuna matata]

A man carrying a goat in his arms enters the bedroom where his wife is in bed reading, and he says "See darling- this is the cow that I fuck when you have a headache"

The wife replies "if you weren´t such an asshole you would notice that it is a goat"

The husband smiling says "if you weren't such an bitch you would realise that I was talking to the goat"

[Anacanapuna]

Originally Posted by hakuna matata

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears, but managed to calmly reply, "No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes."

Okay, my new favorite of all time. I won't even offer my usual favorites.

[Khampelf]

There was a couple who managed to stay very much in love for sixty years of marriage.
They died together in a bizarre gardening accident and went to heaven. At the gates, they asked St. Peter if they could be married in heaven. St. Peter answered that was an earthly concern, and didn't matter in heaven. They took his answer sadly, and appealed to God. God told the couple that he sympathized, but it simply wasn't possible. After a year, they again approached God, still wanting to be married. It simply wasn't possible, but ask again in a year. Every year they ask God, every year they are put off. Until finally one year, God says that it is now possible for them to be married. They are overjoyed. There is a very fantastic ceremony, attended by a heavenly host, celestial choir, most lovely. But the travails that they had comforted each other through on earth simply weren't present in heaven. And now, without the mutual goal of wanting to be married again to unite them, they fell to boredom and petty bickering. It grew to be too much, and they approached God to say they had made a mistake, and wanted a divorce.

God's wrath was mighty.

"IT TOOK ME FIVE YEARS TO FIND A PRIEST, AND NOW YOU WANT ME TO FIND A LAWYER?!?!?!?!?!"

[Islander]

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble.
He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a
quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. If he could
just get to the airport he could get himself home.

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab
waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered himhis credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said,

"If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"

So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was
barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to
regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he
won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the
front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well
who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs,
but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was
down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how
he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on
a plan.

The cabbie recognized the businessman and watched as he got into
the first cab in the line. After a short conversation the driver
became very agitated and screamed, "Get the hell out of my cab!!"

The businessman got into the next cab, had another short
conversation and was again told, "Get the hell out of my cab!"

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line
with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back
of the line, he got in and asked, "How much for a ride to the
airport?"

The cabbie replied, "fifteen bucks, and I bet you don't have any
money, right?"

The businessman said, "I have plenty of money" and flashed a wad
of bills, "Drive on"

As they drove slowly past the line of cabs the businessman smiled
as he gave the other cabbies the thumbs up sign.

"I don't get it," said the driver, "why did the rest of the
guys scream at you to get out of their cabs?"

"I asked them if they'd give me a blow job for an extra $15."

[hakuna matata]

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it
out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know -- take it out on
someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to
make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying, "Hello."

I politely said, "Could I please speak with Robin Carter?"

Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone
could be so rude. I realized I had called the wrong number. I tracked down
Robin's correct number and called her. I had accidentally transposed the
last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided
to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and
hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in
my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole'
calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is
John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're
familiar with the Caller ID program?"

He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had
patiently waited for I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for
that spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car
window . . so, I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his
number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's
parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When is a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an asshole."

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I
had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it
used to be.

So, I came up with an idea. I called asshole #1.

"Hello."

"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black
Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying
your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."

Then I called asshole #2.

"Hello?" he said

"Hello, asshole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are...!"

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay
lover.

Then I called Channel 4 News about the gang war going down on West 34th
Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.

When I got there, I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in
front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and the channel 4 news crew.

NOW, I feel better - This is "Anger Management" at its very best!

[blank]

An RAF pilot was patrolling over Afghanistan when suddenly he saw a flying carpet come up on his port wing, laden with bombs and machine guns.

Then another one came up on his starboard, grenades and all. So he looped the loop, swooped in behind the first carpet and shot it down. Then he did the same with the second carpet.

He flew back to base feeling extremely proud. As he pulled back the cockpit top, his Wing Commander came up to the plane as red as a beetroot and foaming at the mouth.

"You stupid man. What the fuck did you do that for?" he said. "Those were Allied Carpets."

[blank]

An African guy moves to Glasgow. Settles in well, gets on with the locals, but has one problem: folk keep getting his name wrong - it has more spellings than he can keep up with.

He decides to change it to something Scottish that the locals will get right.

He goes into a solicitor to make the Statutory Declaration, but can't decide what name to use. All the names he can think of seem a bit *too* Scottish. So he asks the solicitor for advice. "How about 'Ritchie'? It was my mother's name before she married, it's Scottish and most people should be able to spell it", says the solicitor.

Having duly sworn the Declaration he heads off happy.

A week later, he's back at the solicitor. "It's just not working. Whenever I tell people my name, they laugh at me. I'm going to need to change it again".

"My mother never got laughed at for being called Ritchie. What's your first name?"

"Maboza".

[hakuna matata]

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country . . . we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell "Mississippi'."

[hakuna matata]

The Internal Revenue sends their auditor (a nasty little jerk) to audit a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."

Yes," answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another question, in his obnoxious way... "Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do..with the crumbs from the matzo?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions? "

"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins. And when we have enough we actually send them to the Internal Revenue Service."

"Internal Revenue Service?," questioned the auditor in disbelief. "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "Internal Revenue Service, and about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."

[Solfy]

A man walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he was there for. "Shingles." he replied.
She had him fill out three forms, took a copy of his insurance card, and told him to have a seat in the waiting room.

An hour later he was called back to the exam room. The nurse asked him what he was there for. "Shingles." he said. She took his height, weight, and blood pressure, and told him a technician would be in shortly.

Half an hour later the technician came in and asked him what he was there for. "Shingles." came the answer. The technician took three vials of blood for testing, and instructed him to strip down to his underwear and wait for the doctor. The man obliged, stripped, and sat waiting in the chilly exam room.

Half an hour later the doctor came in and asked the man what he was there for. "Shingles." said the man. The doctor looked him over, and seeing no indication of the ailment asked the man where the shingles were.
"Out back in the delivery truck. Where do you want me to leave them?"

[Euryphaessa]

A little boy and his grandfather are out fishing one fine summer day. Lunchtime comes around, and the grandfather opens his lunchbox to reveal some absolutely scrumptious-looking chocolate cake. The little boy, salivating at the sight of the cake, asks his grandfather if he can have a bite. His grandfather says "Can you make your dick touch your asshole?" The little boy tells him no, he can't. "Then you're not a real man and you can't have any of my cake."

The next day, they're out fishing once again. At lunchtime, the grandfather pulls out an absolutely heavenly slice of cherry pie. The little boy hopefully asks if he can have just a bite. His grandfather says "Can you make your dick touch your asshole?" And the little boy is forced to reply again that no, he can't. "Then you're not a real man and you can't have any of my pie."

The third day dawns bright and clear, and the boy and his grandfather go out fishing once again. This time at lunch, the little boy reaches into his lunchbox and pulls out the chewiest, moistest chocolate chip cookies you could ever imagine. His grandfather sees them and asks his grandson if he can have one. The little boy eyes him for a moment and says "Can you make your dick touch your asshole?" The grandfather replies that yes, he most certainly can. "Then go fuck yourself, these are my cookies."

[Taur]

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again. The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey. The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.

[Zeener Diode]

You gotta be Fucking kidding me...

"We will not stand for the Fucking signs being removed..."

"For the British, it's all about Fucking."

"Just this morning I had to tell an English lady... there were no Fucking postcards."

Where's Cousin Eddie when you need him?

[blank]

Musical terminology
From http://www.musicnotables.co.uk/

/p/ - piano - the neighbours have complained
/f/ - forte - the neighbours are out
/Crescendo/ - getting louder - testing the neighbours' tolerance
/ff/ - fortissimo - to hell with the neighbours!
/pp/ - pianissimo - the neighbours are at the door
/Dim/ - thick
/Obbligato/ - being forced to practise
/Rit/ or /Rall/ - coming up to the bit you haven't practised
/Con Moto/ - I have a car
/Metronome/ - person small enough to fit into a Mini
/Lento/ - the days leading up to Easto
/Largo/ - brewed in Germany*
/Piu Animato/ - if you don't clean that rabbit out, it will have to go
/Interval/ - time to meet the other players in the bar
/Perfect Interval/ - the drinks are on the house
/Catabile/ - Singing (as when drunk)
/Con Spirito/ - drunk again
/Coda/ - served in an Italian fish and chip shop
/Codetta/ - child's portion
/Suspended Chord/ - for lynching the soloist
/Rubato/ - ointment for the musician's back
/Subdominant/ - I'll have to ask the wife
/Tonic/ - a pick-me-up
/Syncopation/ - bowel condition brought on by an overdose of jazz
/Crotchet/ - knitting
/Quaver/ - the feeling before a lesson when you haven't practised
/Flats/ - English apartments
/A tempo/ - in time
/A tempo de Café/ - Coffee time
/improvisation/ - the music's fallen down
/Acciaccatura/ / /appoggiatura/ - insects
/Opus/ - Moggy has done a "whoopsie" on the carpet
/Music/ -happiness

[Zeener Diode]

MANURE.......AN INTERESTING FACT

Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common. It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term 'Ship High In Transit' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term 'S.H.I.T ' , (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day. You probably did not know the true history of this word. Neither did I. I had always thought it was a golf term!

[Zeener Diode]

Poor Bob...

Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,

'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabbie turns around and says,

'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

Bob's funeral will be on Friday.

[InLucemEdita]

While on a mission in the remotest part of the Andes, Sister Anne, Sister Beatrice, and Sister Catherine are tragically killed when their car goes over the side of a steep winding road and down an enormous cliff.

They find themselves at the Pearly Gates in front of St. Peter who is checking his rolls. When he sees them he says, "Hello Sisters. You have certainly led virtuous lives, but no one on Earth is perfect. Sister Anne, do you have any sins to confess before your eternal fate is decided?"

"Well...in fact...I've never confessed that I gave the priests hand jobs in the rectory", said Sister Anne.

"I see...", said St. Peter, "...well, wash your sinful hand in this cistern of holy water and your sin will be forgiven."

Sister Anne washed her hand and entered through the Pearly Gates.

"Sister Beatrice" boomed St. Peter, "do you have any sins to confess before your eternal fate is decided?"

"Well...in fact..."

"Excuse me, St. Peter?", said Sister Catherine, "but could I gargle before Sister Beatrice washes her ass?"

[blank]

An explorer in the jungle is bitten on the leg by a venomous centipede. He knows its bite is very toxic and possibly fatal if it is not treated quickly. His native guide tells him about a Christian missionary hospital several miles away and they immediately head for it. As the poisons in the bite take effect he starts to feel delirious, one of the first symptoms.

They make it to the hospital in time and the explorer is met at the door by some nuns who whisk him into a hospital bed. The nuns are familiar with this type of centipede and its bite and they reassure the woozy explorer that it can be treated but it will take several days before the danger has passed. The nuns busy themselves cleaning the site of the bite, dosing the area with medicinal powder and then bandaging it up firmly. As the explorer drifts in and out of consciousness he is faintly aware of the nuns tending his wound at intervals. When lucidity returns he finds a nun removing the bandages again and cleaning the bite area. After a few moments she stops and waits, leaving the wound exposed. He wonders why she's not finishing the job.

"Excuse me, but aren't you going to put the powder on my leg?" he asks.

The nun looks offended. "Oh no, I'm not allowed to do that. Another nun dusts the bite."

[Illuminati Primus]

Um - I don't get it.

[blank]

For Islander...

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,

'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming up,' says the bartender

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming right up,' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

[blank]

Originally Posted by Illuminati Primus

Um - I don't get it.

Think Queen.

[Islander]

Originally Posted by blank

For Islander...

By the time I get there, I'm sure I will have mastered both strategies!

[Khampelf]

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American are captured by cannibals while attending a convention in Detroit. They are stripped of their possesions and tied up. The Chief addresses them, tells them they are going to be eaten, no matter what. They may choose to suicide, or be killed. What's more, if the suicide is particularly honorable or noteworthy, their skin will be preserved for use in the Chief's war canoe, giving them a chance to live on in a manner. The Englishman asks for the pistol from his backpack, The Frenchman says he'd like to quietly overdose with the barbituates he has, and The American asks for a fork. This causes some speculative murmurings, but the wishes are granted. "Long live the Queen." says the Englishman, then he lifts the pistol to his temple and fires. The cannibals take him away to the kitchen. The Frenchman downs his pills and slumps into a chair. "Have him exsanguinated, then take him to the kitchen!" orders the chief. The turn to the American, hand him the fork, and look expectantly. He fixes the chief with a steely gaze...

He begins stabbing himself rapidly all over his body while shouting "FUCK YOUR CANOE!!! FUCK YOUR CANOE!!! FUCK YOUR CANOE!!! FUCK YOUR CANOE!!!

[Pamplemousse!]

Originally Posted by Illuminati Primus

Um - I don't get it.

Another one bites the dust.

[cuau]

Officer So-and-so's shift ends and he's on his way home. On the corner stands a funny-looking guy next to a pile of shit five feet high. All of a sudden, the guy starts grabbing handfulls of shit and stuffing it into his mouth as fast as he can, as if it were the most delicious stuff in the world.

Officer approaches the guy. "What the hell are you doing?" he asks.

"Oh, I'm just eating this big pile of shit. Would you like some?"

"No thanks," says the officer. "I'm off doody."

[Victor Frankenstein]

Originally Posted by Khampelf

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American are captured by cannibals while attending a convention in Detroit.

The thing about jokes is they should be somewhat believable. Who would believe people would want to go to a convention in Detroit?

[Chacoguy]

A man builds a cabin in the woods, miles from the nearest settlement. Winter comes and he is snowbound and starts to get lonely. Fortunately, there's a knock at the door. Standing there is a huge bear of a man. He has simply bulled his way through four feet of powder to reach the cabin.

Hello stranger! What's your name?

Name's Griz.

What brings you out this way?

I was gonna invite you to the party.

A party! I'd be delighted!

Well, hold on there Mister; there's gonna be some drinkin'.

Well, Griz, I'd join ya in doin' that!

Well, there's probably gonna be some fightin'.

I'd join ya in doin' that too!

Then, there's gonna be some fuckin'.

Well, Griz, if I do say so, I'm pretty good at that! When do we leave?

Why would we leave? The two of us would get all covered with snow while we's partyin'.

[Dosipede]

I was at the grocery store the other day. When I went to pay for my stuff, a condom fell out of my wallet onto the counter. The cashier and I, we just kinda stared at it for a few seconds, both of us too embarrassed to say anything. Finally, from the look on her face, I felt like I should explain myself.

So I said,

"Oh shit! I thought I flushed that."

[Fay Rowe]

Bob was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge at about 90mph. Wouldn't you know a cop jumped out and clocked him with radar. Bob pulled over like a good citizen.

The cop walked up to the window and said: "You know how fast you were going BOY?!"

Bob thought for a second and asked: "Uhhh, over 55?"

"93mph, son! 93mph in a 55 zone!"

"But if you already knew," replied Bob, "Why did you ask me?"

Ignoring him, the officer continued, in his normal charming fashion: "That's speeding and you're getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop took a good look at the Bob and said: "You don't even look like you have a job! Why,... I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"

Bob exclaimed: "I've got a job! I have a good, well paying job!"

The cop leaned in the window, and with the smell of day old donuts on his breath, said: "What kind of a job would a bum like you have?!"

"I'm an asshole stretcher!" replied Bob.

"What you say, BOY?!", asked the patrolman.

"I'm an asshole stretcher!"

Of course the cop asked: "What does an asshole stretcher do?"

Bob explained: "People call me up and say they want to be stretched, so I go over and start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I pull them farther and farther apart until it's six feet across."

The cop, absorbed with the images in his mind, let down his guard and asked: "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole ?"

Bob nonchalantly commented: "You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge!"

[Marlitharn]

I have nothing to add, it's just that I've already replied to 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 other threads and it's 0430 and it's kind of neat to see my name over and over in a neat little column under "Last Reply" so I'm just going to continue on down the forum. Carry on!

[WormTheRed]

Well, it's 11.45 PM here so I'm totally gonna rain on your parade

Since it's raining here

[Mbossa]

11:45PM??? Don't you mean AM? Or are you actually on Kiritimati Island or something?

[Marlitharn]

People on this board have no appreciation for symmetry!

[WormTheRed]

Originally Posted by Mbossa

11:45PM??? Don't you mean AM? Or are you actually on Kiritimati Island or something?

Yeah, AM. It's still slightly too early for me to think in 12h-clock time.

I wouldn't mind being on Kiritimati Island though *dreams*

[Illuminati Primus]

You were both wrong - when you were posting it was 10.45am in Greenwich, therefore that was the time. We own the meridian, we get to call the shots bitches.

[Mbossa]

Nope, you're wrong too (well at least as wrong as we were). It was actually 9:45am Greenwich Mean Time. The time observed in Greenwich may have been 10:45am, but that's because you decided to bung an extra hour on for daylight saving. Nobody cares what the peasants who live there think the time is. All they care about is the position of the sun in relation to Prime Meridian, and by that reckoning it was 9:45am.

[Illuminati Primus]

Well poo...

[WormTheRed]

Originally Posted by Mbossa

Nope, you're wrong too (well at least as wrong as we were). It was actually 9:45am Greenwich Mean Time. The time observed in Greenwich may have been 10:45am, but that's because you decided to bung an extra hour on for daylight saving. Nobody cares what the peasants who live there think the time is. All they care about is the position of the sun in relation to Prime Meridian, and by that reckoning it was 9:45am.

So basically, the only country that has the right time, ALL the time, is Iceland.

Iceland follows GMT all year round, no need for that pesky summer-time thingy.