embarrassed about alcohol usage...

[ellipses]

Perhaps even alcoholism. Because I am. I am embarrassed about my alcohol usage. I'm not sure it amounts to alcoholism, but that may be semantics. I'm not physically addicted - I can go without for prolonged periods. But, psychologically/emotionally - I just want to have alcohol as a goto.

So...although I don't actually pretend that I don't drink - a lot! I also don't go out of my way to advertise it. I dispose of my dead soldiers promptly. I need to do that anyway, 'cuz I only have my one room. I can't keep too much trash in there even if I wanted to, which I don't. So I dispose of empty bottles/boxes/whatever pretty quickly. I would be embarrassed to have someone come in my room and find a forest of booze bottles. Not that anyone ever comes in my room, but you get the point.

My brother on the other hand...no doubt he drinks as much as I do and possibly even more. But he collects his empties. He has a whole wall in the basement, comprised of empty evan williams bottles. There are dozens. I would be embarrassed to have such obvious proof of my addiction. He, apparently, is not.

He drinks hard liquor. I drink grocery store liquor and/or wine. We are not the same and yet we are. When I go into the basement to do laundry, I have to pass by his wall of liquor bottles. And every time, I am amazed. Not by his consumption, I'm used to that! But by his total lack of embarrassment. I don't judge him for his alcoholism, but I judge myself. I would just like to be as unembarrassed as he apparently is.

You might think that as siblings, we had the same upbringing. But we did not. He was motherless by 7 and fatherless by 11 yrs old. I was motherless by 13 and fatherless by 17. Things were different for us. It was a difference that made a difference. We are the only two left of our childhood family. Two other brothers have died.

I don't know what my point is for all this is...

[Dragonlady]

What causes embarrassment is pretty individual.
Have you seen what people wear out in public? I would never!
He is not embarrassed because he doesn't see a problem with it, and so, doesn't judge himself.

[stormie]

Who do you feel you're being judged by? Actual question. Might be worth knowing

[JackieLikesVariety]

Originally Posted by ellipses

I don't know what my point is for all this is...

you were sharing.

[ellipses]

Originally Posted by stormie

Who do you feel you're being judged by? Actual question. Might be worth knowing

I am judged by myself - and I don't really pretend that it comes from others. Sometimes I think that others are judging me, but realistically it's projection. I know that, but knowing that does not change my reaction or my feelings about it. Yes, I know that I am my own worst judge. Sure, there are others who may have their own feelings about it, but I have never been in a position where others have overtly said or done anything to indicate that they judge me poorly. No interventions necessary!

I personally feel that it's a weakness, a personality flaw. Knowing that I am my own worst judge does not change anything. Even though I still think highly of my brother, in spite of his addiction. It's okay for him - but not for me. He has enough positive traits to overcome a little personality flaw. He's a better person than I am. No matter what...

[SmartAleq]

Women are socialized to feel shame over, basically, everything they do and are and depending on your personality and how comprehensive that programming was you'll internalize those messages. It has the knock on effect of making sure you behave even when nobody's watching and keeping track of you.

Men are socialized to NEVER feel shame over anything, to the point where any situation that causes them to feel shame means it will very quickly be converted to anger and violence. Men are only expected to feel shame if they transgress against another, higher status male--any other transgressions are considered to be just fine and dandy and only right and proper.

It's conditioning. It can be overcome if you want to--and there's not one thing about nearly 100% of societal conditioning that's actually helpful, necessary or beneficial to you. It's all in service to making sure you serve the patriarchy like a nice well behaved little cog.

[Metal Years]

Hey, ellipses. I started to post in this thread yesterday but didn't.
I was an alcoholic for many years (I haven't consumed any adult beverages since 2010) and it's a subject I know something about.
I "white-knuckled" it and have occasionally gone to NA meetings after getting clean, mostly out of loneliness, it's can be a good place to meet chicks
I totally agree with you that it's a weakness and a character flaw that I have, not a disease, altho' whatever works for someone is what works for them, right?
I often acted unashamed and even proud of how much of that shit I could and did throw down on yet I frequently kept it secret and played it off like I didn't drink that much or often. I can relate to both your situation and your brother's.
There's some upsides to getting wasted and I sometimes miss those upsides but I'm way better off without consuming alcohol anymore.
I'm aware that there are people with my weakness/character flaw who are in danger of relapse just being around it but I'm blessed not to have that problem. I'm not doing it now but I was a bartender for years after (and before) sobering up. Being around people that are having a few and getting a little buzz can be fun for me but I can't stand being around someone that's really drunk. In other words, someone like me.
Good luck and best wishes to you. HMU on here publicly or PM if you ever feel so inclined.