If you could use any animal as a steed, which would you choose?

[Trepa Mayfield]

Qualification: This animal would be magically tamed to you, and follow your commands. The animal would also be magically changed to be the size of a horse. If the animal could fly, or do other special things, it still can afterwords, even if that would be anatomically incorrect. science Magic!

Anyway, I'd go with rat, no question. For 2 reasons. First: the intimidation factor. If people are already scared of regular size rats, then they'd probably be hugely intimidated by a giant one. Also, rats are clever. If I've got a steed that would listen to me, it'd be helpful if it could do more than just "sit" or "stay". And yeah, it wouldn't be too helpful in real life, but if I'm getting a magical rat steed, I will find an epic fantasy adventure, or die trying. I've got the magic, I've got the giant rat, surely adventure will be around the corner!

[Miss Purl McKnittington]

A chicken. One of those really colorful ones that lays the pretty eggs.

Hmm. Maybe I just want a really big omelet.

[Chacoguy]

A T-REX!!!

A Giraffe, DUH!

[Parthenokinesis]

armidillo. Like a rat with armor. Or sugar glider. Yeah a sugar glider the size of a horse, can't actually fly but climbs like a mofo and falls with style. I'd call her kewpie.

[Khampelf]

Spider. Yeah. Big fucking spider. You think people are afraid of rats? Plus, it could weave me a silk hammock to sleep on every night.

[Turing Complete]

Hmm. So many choices. Ideally my magical mount would be a dragon, but I wouldn't want you to shrink it down to horse size. Nor would I want my rhinoceros shrunk any. How awesome would it be to charge into battle on a rhino?

So I'm guessing you're more thinking of scaling up an animal -- tempting to go with a bird or bat for the flight aspect, or consider the ferocity of the horse-sized wolverine. Nasty. However if it's going to follow my commands, I'll take a horse-sized person. I'll ride into battle on his shoulders, and he'll be able to do all sorts of things for me. You can call us Master-Blaster.

[Chacoguy]

Originally Posted by Khampelf

Spider. Yeah. Big fucking spider. You think people are afraid of rats? Plus, it could weave me a silk hammock to sleep on every night.

That you would stick to and be drained of your vital fluids every morning.

[Trepa Mayfield]

Originally Posted by Chacoguy

That you would stick to and be drained of your vital fluids every morning.

Pssh, you should see me before my coffee.

[Chacoguy]

Originally Posted by Hypnagogic Bonafide

Pssh, you should see me before my coffee.

WIN!!

[Khampelf]

Originally Posted by Chacoguy

That you would stick to and be drained of your vital fluids every morning.

The OP sez it's magically bonded to me, and I think that would preclude eating me. Plus, lotsa guys would love to be drained of vital fluids every night. Arachnid Fellatitus.

[Random Precision]

I think I'd like to have a magic beaver badger bonded to me. Intimidating as hell with a great do-not-fuck-with-me attitude. Never a problem finding a parking space with a giant badger as a steed.


That, or a wombat. Mostly because I like saying it. "This is my wombat, Weldon." Wombat.

[Lazlo]

I really like the sugar glider idea, but I think I'd have to go for a New Mexico Whiptail Lizard. These little guys (technically, girls, since males don't exist) are damned cute and are a blast to watch.

And if their speed scales up with their size, they'd be faster than any car on the planet!

[Scruff]

Originally Posted by Random Precision

That, or a wombat. Mostly because I like saying it. "This is my wombat, Weldon." Wombat.

Wodney. Wodney the Wombat.

For me, a big cat. Either a Siberian Tiger or (in the spirit of the OP) a Maine Coon cat writ large. Something that was a complete pussy cat towards me (), but had the warmth of a Kzin shitting a pineapple (*) towards the rest of the world.

(*) THat actually comes from a friend, who described a noise his car made as "sounding like wookiee shitting a pineapple"

[Bear_Nenno]

A scorpion. Or maybe a flying ant!

[Higgs Boson]

Yeah, I'd go with a dragon if we're assuming that along with the magic that makes these animals big comes the existence of magical creatures. If not, some kind of big cat.

[Zombies!]

Originally Posted by Bear_Nenno

A scorpion. Or maybe a flying ant!

Not a humvee?

[blank]

A Kodiak bear. Or a ferret. Or a ferret mated with a Kodiak bear.

[GoSmoke]

A Wolverine. Pound for pound, they are vicious little bastards and not to be trifled with, plus I think a horse sized Wolverine would be really cool.

[iampunha]

A flea.

Those things can jump how many times their height?

One the size of a horse would probably exsanguinate any enemy.

Sure, sure, dragons breathe fire, all of that, but for the fire to work, the target has to stay still.

When did a giant flea last stay still when something was trying to kill it?

[Marlitharn]

Originally Posted by Khampelf

The OP sez it's magically bonded to me, and I think that would preclude eating me. Plus, lotsa guys would love to be drained of vital fluids every night. Arachnid Fellatitus.

Fuck my vivid imagination!

Me, I'd have to go with Miss Purl McKnittington and ride a giant chicken. Because no one can glare at people like a chicken can.

[WormTheRed]

I'd totally want a Polar Bear. Those are real sob.s and nasty as hell!

Or to go the completely opposite direction, maybe a peacock. That would be pretty cool

[Rebo]

I'd want a black Labrador. It would drown the enemy in slobber!

[Kat]

Right now, I'm considering a Canadian goose. Those suckers are nasty. Or maybe an ostrich.

Either that, or a ginormous ferret.

[3acres]

A three-toed box turtle. I'm not in any particular hurry and the ones around here are pretty: they frequently have bright orange spots on their shells. Besides, it's the state reptile. Giddyup, Tooter.

[timbicile]

I want a giant horseshoe crab. Scary as hell, armor plated and since he's magic he pisses budweiser and shits doobies.

[Dirx]

I'm going to assume here that by "magically changed to the size of a horse," you mean at least the size of a horse. 'Cause I don't want you shrinking my traffic-demolishing Ankylosaurus, or people-eating T. rex.

Among the many animals I'd like to choose:

Extinct critters:

Doedicurus - (Parthenokinesis, I think this is what you want). Armored critters that can grow to the size of a VW Bug, and have a heavy spiked mace on their tail.

Chalicothere - Horses are pussies. Cross one with a gorilla and add some wicked claws, and you've got yourself fairly badass steed.

Brontothere - Everything is cooler as a fossil. Modern day rhinos? Pretty damn cool, to say the least. An even larger, ancient cousin? Awesome.

Inostrancevia - The largest of the gorgonopsids (ancient mammal-like reptiles, pre-dated dinosaurs). Seriously, just look at it.

Barbourofelis - Everyone knows Smilodon, the ever-popular saber-toothed tiger. This guy is just a bit larger, though.

Phorusrhacos - The "terror bird." It'd be like Joust, on steroids.

Arctodus - The giant-shorfaced bear. Like a grizzly, but bigger.

Titanoboa - The movie Anaconda thought it was making this shit up. Turns out Mother Nature beat them to it by 60 million years.

Assorted dinosaurs, including the above-mentioned T. rex and Ankylosaurus, as well as Therizinosaurus, Deinocheirus, Chasmosaurus, and others.


Scaled-up critters:

Stag beetle
Preying mantis
Ant
Hornet
Jumping spider
Centipede
Microbe
Peregrine falcon
Flying fox bat
Great-horned owl (you guys with rodent steeds, watch out)
Penguin (because it would be hilarious, and penguins are awesome anyway)


Critters that are just about right (little or no scaling required):

Polar bear
Okapi
Tiger
Cheetah
Moose (I think Canadian mounties ought to ride these instead of horses)
Bighorn sheep
Komodo dragon


Aquatic critters:
Preferably if they're allowed to "swim" through the air with no problem, but I'll still accept most even if they're confined to the water.

Charcharodon megalodon
Dunkleosteus
Mosasaur
Archelon
Eurypterid
Anomalocaris
Giant squid
Narwhal
Manta ray


Yes, this list is rather large. And it's nowhere near comprehensive. It's dangerous to ask a paleontologist a question like this.

Originally Posted by Chacoguy

That you would stick to and be drained of your vital fluids every morning.

Not all spider silk in a web is sticky; only certain strands. Ever wonder why spiders usually don't get stuck in their own webs? They know which strands to walk on.



On preview: I love the horshoe crab idea too! Fuck, just about any arthropod would make a pretty cool steed.

[Taur]

I go with a mutant hummingbird just so I fly it backwards.

[Anacanapuna]

I know this shows a complete lack of imagination, but I don't care. I've sat astride one of the finest steeds of all time. He was a Palomino owned by my grandfather when I was a little boy. The horse's name was Togo; he was 18 hands at the withers and was used to rope Hereford bulls who refused to be driven. For all his size, though, he had a tender mouth and had to be ridden with a hackmore bridle.

[Zucchini Paw]

Giant Hornet.

Hate the regular sized one buzzing in your face? What about feeling the humm of its wings, in your chest, like you would of a subwoofer.

BZZZZZZ

[Taur]

Originally Posted by Board Taurus

I go with a mutant hummingbird just so I fly it backwards.

Look at that post; look at the time. Behold, postprandial somnolence!


[Note to self: Push away the plate and the keyboard. Guh!]

[Detroit Hoser]

Okay, I'm saying the giant ostriches like the ones from "Joust," because I love how they screeched to a halt. Literally.

But realistically? A squirrel, because those suckers never fall out of trees, and I love climbing trees even in my mid-forties...and at my mid-forties I'm more likely to break a hip or something.

Squirrels never fall out of trees.

[Falcon]

Originally Posted by Detroit Hoser

Squirrels never fall out of trees.

Well . . . for two summers running, I've been walking up my driveway after work when I'll hear a commotion up in the air. Just as I wonder what in the heck is going on, SPLAT! a squirrel has fallen onto the driveway right in front of me. Darndest thing, since I'd never seen one fall either. The first time I saw it, I thought it was odd. But to see it a second year in a row was bizarre.

I now suspect my maple tree can move that particular limb and gives it a good shake once a year, just to show the squirrels who's boss.

Both times, the squirrel looked a little stunned. I guess because squirrels never fall out of trees. Then it seems to grasp that, yes, it really is on the ground, and goes running off and up the tree trunk again. Hopefully they're ok, since there is quite a smacking sound when they hit the pavement.

As for what steed I would choose, I've been thinking about it, and haven't come up with anything yet that hasn't already been suggested. Maybe a chinchilla. It would be nice to nestle into soft fur to stay warm when it was chilly out.

[Detroit Hoser]

I...uh....

thanks? Or something?

[timbicile]

The first time I went squirrel hunting as we were walking out to our spot a red ran up a huge tree in front of us. My buddy wanted me to get my first and said shoot.I aimed pulled the trigger slowly and click.I hadn't loaded the gun yet. doh.
The squirrel did not know this cause as soon as it heard the click it fell 30 feet out of tree and hit the ground running.
My story tellin skilz suk

[Detroit Hoser]

TimbeeCHEElay, please PM me to tell me if I am heartened by this story, or very frightened.

I know I'm confused, but that ain't nuthin new.

[Falcon]

Originally Posted by Detroit Hoser

I...uh....

thanks? Or something?

I've never had an opportunity to tell that story where it seemed relevant. I just had to share.

Anyway, maybe part of your horse-sized squirrel's magical capabilities are that it never falls out of trees!

[Detroit Hoser]

Crap. That means huge fleas, too, right? Oh, what the heck. I've heard that relative to their size, fleas have the largest penises.





Of course, I'm not all that excited by penises of any species, but I'm happy for the lady fleas.

[Hockey Monkey]

There are so many animals and insects that would be so cool to ride! Praying Mantis, Black Widow Spider, Giant Lobster! I love the idea of commanding a spider.

[Kat]

Oh, oh, oh! A giant centipede, with poison pincers!

[Chacoguy]

Originally Posted by Detroit Hoser

Crap. That means huge fleas, too, right? Oh, what the heck. I've heard that relative to their size, fleas have the largest penises.





Of course, I'm not all that excited by penises of any species, but I'm happy for the lady fleas.

Now THAT's funny; boom-chicka-wow-wow. Get some Lady Fleas.

[iampunha]

Originally Posted by Detroit Hoser

Crap. That means huge fleas, too, right?

Oh, y'know ...

[Miss Purl McKnittington]

Originally Posted by Marlitharn

Me, I'd have to go with Miss Purl McKnittington and ride a giant chicken. Because no one can glare at people like a chicken can.

Chickens are mean! It would be just as good as riding around on a T-rex, but everyone would underestimate the chicken. Considering the nature of chickens, despite the fact it would be the size of a horse, its brain would still be the size of a peanut. So people would go, "Oh, this chicken is too stupid to be a danger!" but they wouldn't understand that the chicken thinks their children are something small and tasty, like crickets and grasshoppers.

In conclusion, we must hope that chickens never become larger than they are, for then we are all doomed.

[Salambo]

A COW!

[hilarity n. suze]

I want the Mobil flying red horse! (Old logo/trademark, for you young'uns.)

[Falcon]

Originally Posted by Miss Purl McKnittington

In conclusion, we must hope that chickens never become larger than they are, for then we are all doomed.

And KFC will have to start making larger buckets.

[Wolf Larsen]

Pegasus

[porcupine]

A pangolin, cause they have scales, and cause of the way they walk.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=btkVS7uYNwM

[Trepa Mayfield]

Originally Posted by porcupine

A pangolin, cause they have scales, and cause of the way they walk.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=btkVS7uYNwM

Oh wow...it's like, the Godzilla of ants.

[leafrog]

Originally Posted by porcupine

A pangolin, cause they have scales, and cause of the way they walk.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=btkVS7uYNwM

Thank you so much for bringing the pangolin to my attention. I have added it to the rosters of beasts I draw inspiration from when I'm doing paper mache.


As for the OP, I'm going to go with a bird of prey, perhaps a falcon or an eagle. I like the idea of soaring and swooping, and imagine the talons!
And we could enjoy sashimi together.

[Dragonlady]

A cockroach - if intimidation is in order. Practically indestructible and they eat anything.

Or something pretty, like a hummingbird or a peacock!