Husband just revealed a 50g credit card debt. I don't know what to do.

[Giraffe]

Originally Posted by The Man

teela, that sucks. I hope you figure it out.
I'm not going to be like the other folks in here and tell you what you should do, no one knows your situation better than you.
I'm an old-fashioned guy, and the wedding vows say "for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part", right? That's something to keep in mind. Too many people bail out too quick.

Ugh. Being a concern troll in GS is one thing, but trolling for an argument in a thread like this is fucking obnoxious. Off to the Box for a while...

[Radical Edward]

*dances all radical*

~~~~

[Dudley]

Wow, I thought The Man expressed a very valid opinion and wasn't trolling for any argument. He didn't tell Teela to stay with her husband, he just said that marriage is sacred and the commitment is something to consider.

Or was this because it was from The Man?

[backyard]

Originally Posted by Giraffe

Ugh. Being a concern troll in GS is one thing, but trolling for an argument in a thread like this is fucking obnoxious. Off to the Box for a while...

::backyard humming an Alice in Chains tune::

I'm the man in the box.

[Dazzling White Diamonds]

Originally Posted by Dudley

Wow, I thought The Man expressed a very valid opinion and wasn't trolling for any argument. He didn't tell Teela to stay with her husband, he just said that marriage is sacred and the commitment is something to consider.

Or was this because it was from The Man?

IMO, it was the way he said it, Dudley. It's the way he says most of his stuff. I can't really describe it, but if tasked to, condescending comes to mind. And holier-than-thou.

Also, it seemed as if he didn't read the entire thread - especially teela's posts. This isn't the first time her husband has done this, and she's been married to him for a long time. I wouldn't consider leaving him at this point as "bailing out too quick". And I also don't think that "for richer or poorer" means "you have to stick with me as I drag us into the financial pits of hell".

This is all just my opinion. Others' MMV, of course.

[hajario]

[Mod]Guys, let's take any discussion about The Man's post to the thread about him in C&P or a new thread in The Box so he can respond.[/Mod]

[Islander]

Sorry, Teela, I've had a very full and crazy weekend so I'm late coming to this...it's brutal. Just brutal. I'll not repeat what's been said and I have nothing to add. I can only offer my sympathy/empathy, having been married to a bona fide sociopath. I know the hurt and the lies and the betrayal. I can't imagine what your guy contributes to the relationship to make staying an option for you, but only you know the whole story. I wish you well, hope you get it sorted soon, and send many hugs.

[teela brown]

Thanks, guys. I've seen one attorney, and her firm wants 5g right off the bat to get started, and that's probably a minimum total for the whole deal. I'm seeing another one tomorrow who is well-rated and probably just as good for probably a bit less money.

[SmartAleq]

Put it on hubby's secret credit card so he has to pay it off in his bankruptcy!

[Guinastasia]

Holy shit, teela, that sucks. I'm so sorry.

[Amythyst]

I'm glad you're seeing a lawyer, teela. You need to protect your own interests, regardless of whether you decide to stay in this relationship. I don't have any advice that hasn't already been said, except to be good to yourself. Sending positive thoughts your way.

[mlerose]

Oh, Teela. I'm sorry you're going through this, and I'm glad you are seeking legal advice from a lawyer.

My mom learned the hard way that living in California means that when you divorce someone, half of everything (assets and debt) acquired during the marriage is yours and half belongs to the other person. I'm sure a lawyer will be able to give you the best advice about things like alimony (you being the primary breadwinner) if that's the route you decide to go.

[ncoggneato]

Teela, the only information I have about you is what you have posted in this thread. And while I read your posts all I hear is a defeated, exhausted woman. It makes me so sad when I hear anyone say things like, "I'm too old to ...." or "It doesn't matter what I do..." To me this is saying, "I'm too old to be happy". "I'm not deserving of respect." "This is the best I can hope for so I might as well settle in an accept it." These things simply are not true. I don't care how long you have done something or how old you are EVERYONE deserves to be treated with love and respect and it is only when we invite people into our lives that take advantage of us that we begin to doubt this fact.

I am no expert on your life and I am not pretending to be, but with what you have shared I have little doubt that your partner is literally banking on the fact that you will not cut him loose. People tell us EXACTLY how they are going to treat us we just have to be willing to listen to the messages. In the same regard, we tell people HOW to treat us. When your partner did this to you before, you communicated to him that you were willing to take it on and fix it for him and he got the reward of little consequences AND he got to benefit from you sticking around. So, why wouldn't he do it again?

You have already said that divorce is out of the question and you are unwilling to start over again at your age. Your husband knows this and is counting on your depleted sense of self to take on and clean up his messes over and over again. I also wouldn't be surprised to learn that he has used these past 23 years of marriage to wear you down and convince you that this is all you are going to get out of life. Somehow you have decided to agree with him that you do not deserve better.

I had the pleasure of knowing my great grandmother. It wasn't until her husband died when she was in her 70's that she started to travel like she always wanted to but he had held her back. I saw her change dramatically and she truly enjoyed her remaining years doing what ever the hell SHE wanted to do without apology (she lived until she was 93). She also taught me that you are only as old as you feel. When I was 12 she warned me to not get married and have kids and ruin my life. Instead she encouraged me to do what made me happy and NOT what some man thinks I should do.

Teela, I invite you to think about when you decided this is the life you deserve. When you learned that it was ok and even expected to have people like your husband suck you dry monetarily, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually. Also, think about the advice and support you would give a loved one if they were in your situation. Now, with that in mind I ask you why you think you are any less deserving than your loved ones to have a happy fulfilling life whenever it may begin?

My thoughts and support go out to you Teela and I wish you the best in whatever you may decide to do.

[Sleeps With Butterflies]

Wow, ncoggneato preaches truth. Me likie.

[ncoggneato]

Originally Posted by Sleeps With Butterflies

Wow, ncoggneato preaches truth. Me likie.

Well... I am REALLY smart... and humble.

[SmartAleq]

Yeah, she acts like a ditzy twit but there's a formidable brain in there! She said some of those things to me a while back, which is why I'm a 52 year old single woman who LOVES her life these days. You're never too old to have a boil lanced, y'know?

[Romola]

Originally Posted by ladybug

I'm glad you're seeing a lawyer, teela. You need to protect your own interests, regardless of whether you decide to stay in this relationship. I don't have any advice that hasn't already been said, except to be good to yourself. Sending positive thoughts your way.

I'm happy to echo this. There's only so long you can wait for the bit that makes all the crap worthwhile, but you are the only one that can decide whether it's ever going to come. You're doing all the right things, good luck to you.

[Rebo]

Originally Posted by ncoggneato

Teela, the only information I have about you is what you have posted in this thread. And while I read your posts all I hear is a defeated, exhausted woman. It makes me so sad when I hear anyone say things like, "I'm too old to ...." or "It doesn't matter what I do..." To me this is saying, "I'm too old to be happy". "I'm not deserving of respect." "This is the best I can hope for so I might as well settle in an accept it." These things simply are not true. I don't care how long you have done something or how old you are EVERYONE deserves to be treated with love and respect and it is only when we invite people into our lives that take advantage of us that we begin to doubt this fact.

I am no expert on your life and I am not pretending to be, but with what you have shared I have little doubt that your partner is literally banking on the fact that you will not cut him loose. People tell us EXACTLY how they are going to treat us we just have to be willing to listen to the messages. In the same regard, we tell people HOW to treat us. When your partner did this to you before, you communicated to him that you were willing to take it on and fix it for him and he got the reward of little consequences AND he got to benefit from you sticking around. So, why wouldn't he do it again?

You have already said that divorce is out of the question and you are unwilling to start over again at your age. Your husband knows this and is counting on your depleted sense of self to take on and clean up his messes over and over again. I also wouldn't be surprised to learn that he has used these past 23 years of marriage to wear you down and convince you that this is all you are going to get out of life. Somehow you have decided to agree with him that you do not deserve better.

I had the pleasure of knowing my great grandmother. It wasn't until her husband died when she was in her 70's that she started to travel like she always wanted to but he had held her back. I saw her change dramatically and she truly enjoyed her remaining years doing what ever the hell SHE wanted to do without apology (she lived until she was 93). She also taught me that you are only as old as you feel. When I was 12 she warned me to not get married and have kids and ruin my life. Instead she encouraged me to do what made me happy and NOT what some man thinks I should do.

Teela, I invite you to think about when you decided this is the life you deserve. When you learned that it was ok and even expected to have people like your husband suck you dry monetarily, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually. Also, think about the advice and support you would give a loved one if they were in your situation. Now, with that in mind I ask you why you think you are any less deserving than your loved ones to have a happy fulfilling life whenever it may begin?

My thoughts and support go out to you Teela and I wish you the best in whatever you may decide to do.

Rebo
2 minutes ago · Like

[Chacoguy]

ncoggneato raises many good points, despite how scary it is to hear it. FWIW, I parted from my wife of 23 years in 2008; my parents, brother and friends say that they've never seen me happier. Perhaps you should spend some time apart and see how you feel.

[jali]

Teela, it's true. I'm 53 and finally happy. ncoggneato is very wise.

[Khampelf]

I'm sorry I didn't check in earlier, Teela. I kept reading the thread as "My husband just secured a 50g credit line I don't know what to do."

This truly sucks, I'm glad to see you're taking steps to deal with it.

You are deserving of love and respect, and you're not getting much from this guy, it seems.

[Scarlet4511]

Oh this is so sad. Teela, I know I'm in here but I want to give you some serious hugs. You shouldn't have to put up with this. If your hubby isn't going to change, then you might have to get a separation or a divorce. I really liked what ncoggneato said.

{{{{{teela brown}}}}}

[Hockey Monkey]

Originally Posted by SmartAleq

Put it on hubby's secret credit card so he has to pay it off in his bankruptcy!

Have I ever told you how much I love you Smartie? I am late to the thread, but Teela, you can never have too many virtual hugs, so here's another. {hug}

[GreyCloud9]

Just echoing what everyone else has said.. take care of you. *hugs*

[Shot From Guns]

Originally Posted by teela brown

I'm sitting in the parking lot of a marriott with a packed bag. This isn't the first time he has done this. Married 23 years.

There isn't going to be any good way out of this. I'm so sorry.

Originally Posted by Random Precision

if I were in the same position, I'm sure at least once I'd wonder how much I could get for his kidneys on the black market.

Not much, actually--I want to say they run maybe $6k to $8k.

Originally Posted by maplekiwi

Does 50g mean $50,000?

G is short for "grand," which is another way of saying "thousand" when talking about dollars in U.S. English.

Originally Posted by teela brown

As for him getting a second job or giving up an addiction (tobacco), it just ain't gonna happen.

1.) It's his mess. For him to refuse to work harder to get out of it is unconscionable.

2.) A smoking addiction is a nicotine addiction. You can get nicotine in much cheaper ways than expensive cigars.

Originally Posted by The Man

I'm an old-fashioned guy, and the wedding vows say "for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part", right? That's something to keep in mind. Too many people bail out too quick.

Maybe next week someone can post about how their spouse is beating them, so you can chastize them for wanting to leave a physically abusive relationship.

And now, quoted for fucking truth:

Originally Posted by backyard

I know you say you're too old to leave him, but IMHO, you're too young to stay with him.

Originally Posted by ncoggneato

You have already said that divorce is out of the question and you are unwilling to start over again at your age. Your husband knows this and is counting on your depleted sense of self to take on and clean up his messes over and over again. I also wouldn't be surprised to learn that he has used these past 23 years of marriage to wear you down and convince you that this is all you are going to get out of life. Somehow you have decided to agree with him that you do not deserve better.

You deserve better than this selfish, dishonest excuse for a "partner." He doesn't respect you (maybe he doesn't even know how), and he never will. In the immortal words of Dan Savage, DTMFA.

[Katriona]

Originally Posted by Guinastasia

Holy shit, teela, that sucks. I'm so sorry.

This. I wish I had some advice. Take care.

[Clayton_e]

I can't figure out how someone could blow 50k and not have anything to really show for it. A couple hundred dollars a month on cigars is outlandish but it sure isn't the Cubans that put him this far into debt.. I'd DEFINITELY figure out where that much money went before helping him to patch it all up and go back to zero debt or you'll be doing it again in another two or three years.

[Jaglavak]

I used to work with a guy who had a gambling problem. One week he didn't show up on Monday, and dragged in on Tuesday looking rougher than forty miles of bad road. Eventually the story came out, he had been feeling lucky the previous Friday so he took out a $50K line of credit on his house and blew the whole goddam stack in Vegas that weekend. The casino bought him a ticket back home.

[Rebo]

We may be in debt up to our eyeballs, but at least it was mutual.

I think I might arrange for an "accident" if my husband was to tell me this. Especially more than once!

[Knee]

Originally Posted by Clayton_e

I can't figure out how someone could blow 50k and not have anything to really show for it. A couple hundred dollars a month on cigars is outlandish but it sure isn't the Cubans that put him this far into debt.. I'd DEFINITELY figure out where that much money went before helping him to patch it all up and go back to zero debt or you'll be doing it again in another two or three years.

It's possible. I nickle and dime my paycheck away nearly every week and then wonder where the hell it went. My bet is he's using bigger nickles and bigger dimes. Some people are just really bad with money.

Hey, that reminds me, I have power and water bills to pay...

[Random Precision]

Teela, one thing that occurred to me is that if he has $50K in credit card debt that he's fessed up to, how much other debt might he still be keeping quiet about? I don't profess to know the legalities of it*, but you should definitely know enough personal info to pull his credit reports. You may find out that he's come completely clean with you, or you may find some information that you don't want to know, but probably need to at this point.

And if you've already thought of this then ummm, never mind. Nothing to see here.:o







*Considering that California is a community property state and you share responsibility for each others debts, I can't see how this could be illegal, but IANAL.

[Pure]

Originally Posted by Board Taurus

Well, here goes...

Been there 5 years ago to the tune of $20K over a hidden line of credit to pay for his mother's divorce lawyer; the rest he gambled away. Married 15 years at the time. I found a single bank statement from a bank I thought we didn't do business at. He sent the statements to his mother's address.

My world collapsed. I began having anxiety and panic attacks, acted out at work shortly after the discovery, leading to my firing and I've been unemployed ever since. Had I not lost my job, I would have left him.

You have my sympathy, teela. Please see a lawyer, if only to find out the extent of your legal liability.

Rigs, Taurus and Teela,

Those are scary stories and I'm so sorry for what each of you is going through.