When is it OK to make someone guess that they angered you?

[Portia]

You suspect someone's angry w/ you, or someone's made you so mad you shut them out. Are either of you in the right? Is it ever right and just to make someone guess at the emotions of another?

[Panacea]

Very rarely. But sometimes people are hard-headed.

I much prefer to be direct with folks, and I will flat out tell you what you did that pissed me off. Or, I will work through it and will get over it without ever telling you.

[RedRosesForMe]

No, I don't think so. I would completely understand if someone has brought the same issue up 10 times in a row without resolution that they just give up and give the offender the silent treatment, but I don't think that's right, merely understandable.

[HongKongFooey]

If I get that angry with someone it's usually related to their not realizing why I'm angry or why I'm so angry. I'm sure I've done it to others as well. You can't expect people to read your mind for sure but expectations lead (often) to disappointment and situations like this are often triggered by the expectation that people know you well enough not to cross certain lines.

[Dirx]

If I'm angry with someone and don't tell them, it's because I know it's something petty and/or I'll get over it soon enough, and want to avoid escalating things. Otherwise, playing "Guess if I'm mad at you" is a dick move. If someone pisses you off that much, tell them so. If they continue pissing you off that much, do what you can to remove them from your life.* If you can't do that, then, well, there's not much you can do, but I can guarantee that passive agression certainly won't help matters.



*er, completely legally and nonlethally, I mean.

[backyard]

There is no guessing with me. When I'm mad, even our goldfish is shrinking back.

[Portia]

I admit that I've frozen someone out because I'm angry w/ them, but I had no interest in repairing our relationship; by the time they guessed I was mad and started trying to get into why I was long over their friendship and long past any hope of saving it. That was passive-aggressive, right?

But on the other hand, I show when I'm mad, you see if you've angered me usually, then I'm over it once the issue's resolved (if I give a damn to still want to know you).

What's prompted this is a VERY passive-aggressive friend who's personally offended by anyone being angry w/ her. Yesterday, I was angry at her over something, it got resolved ( I think) and then I got over it and we hung out for another few hours w/ her not bringing it up again. Since then she hasn't responded to any of my contact attempts. I've seen her do this from the outside, this must be what it's like to be her son/daughter/mom/sister/husband/boss - I've seen her play "Guess if I'm mad at you" w/ all those people in the 4 years I've known her and told her every time that it isn't cool.

Oh, and I'm a hard-headed person, yup yup.

[HongKongFooey]

I don't think there's a right or wrong; some people just don't match up well. I rarely apologize even when I know I'm wrong but I also never expect an apology. Shit happens and we get over it. My way won't suit most people, especially people who need a lot of reassurance but neither does their way suit me. Best for us not to hang out.

[Chacoguy]

I only do the "Guess if I'm mad at you" in road rage situations.

[Roo]

Originally Posted by backyard

There is no guessing with me. When I'm mad, even our goldfish is shrinking back.

Really. If people have to guess, how mad could you possibly be? Not enough for other people to care, I'd say.

I'd put this right in the middle of the seriousness scale of an answer. It could go either way.

[HongKongFooey]

Originally Posted by Chacoguy

I only do the "Guess if I'm mad at you" in road rage situations.

But you could be firing those bullets to get their attention. Stop being ambiguous!

[backyard]

Originally Posted by Roo

Really. If people have to guess, how mad could you possibly be? Not enough for other people to care, I'd say.

I'd put this right in the middle of the seriousness scale of an answer. It could go either way.

Exactamundo.

[Jaglavak]

Generally if I get pissed off at someone they will hear all about it, loudly and in great detail. Two exceptions.

First, if what I'm pissed off about is none of my business then I keep my damn trap shut and just be mad. If they want to know what's up, all they have to do is ask. But until then wild horses couldn't drag it out of me. Fair's fair; I generally don't give a rat's ass what anybody else thinks.

Second, if I think opening my mouth will make things worse. Sometimes you just gotta let a situation cool off. And some things you'll never change. Then it comes down to deal with it or hit the road. Either way I flat refuse to get into a campaign to change someone.

[Salambo]

It's never okay to play that game.

That's not to say I've never, ever done it, but it weren't right then, either. I do try very hard not to. It was worse when I was a mousier person; much better now that I've grown a backbone.

[WednesdayAddams]

Originally Posted by Jaglavak

Generally if I get pissed off at someone they will hear all about it, loudly and in great detail. Two exceptions.

First, if what I'm pissed off about is none of my business then I keep my damn trap shut and just be mad. If they want to know what's up, all they have to do is ask. But until then wild horses couldn't drag it out of me. Fair's fair; I generally don't give a rat's ass what anybody else thinks.

Second, if I think opening my mouth will make things worse. Sometimes you just gotta let a situation cool off. And some things you'll never change. Then it comes down to deal with it or hit the road. Either way I flat refuse to get into a campaign to change someone.

Yes. At the same time, without giving those over the top 'I'm mad' physical clues. The silent treatment makes me want to slap the silent person. Either spit it out or get over it, for fuck's sake.

[Fenris]

Originally Posted by Portia

You suspect someone's angry w/ you, or someone's made you so mad you shut them out. Are either of you in the right? Is it ever right and just to make someone guess at the emotions of another?

No.

Not only is it as annoying as hell, it puts the angry person in the wrong as well. Passive-aggressive games of "Are you mad at me?" / "No. " / "Did I do something to piss you off?" / " What makes you say that? " just make the angry person seem like a total douche--even if he/she was in the right about the original offense.

[Portia]

I know from my experience that sometimes you're afraid that what made you mad will seem so petty to the other person they won't agree that you should have been made; that makes me stew. But then again, should it matter to them whether they agree you should have been angered/hurt, isn't the fact that you were enough?
Right now I'm stewing over something a friend failed to do, but ultimately they simply didn't feel something was as important to them as it was to me. And I fear that my hurt's unfounded based on that, so I keep stewing instead of it being confirmed and hurting worse.

[WednesdayAddams]

No, it isn't enough. Not unless you tell them. What you're doing now is just driving a deeper wedge.

If the relationship matters to you as much as it sounds like it does, talk to this person. Even start out with 'this may sound petty, but please bear with me because I need to get it off my chest.' Then ask why it seems less important to them than to you. They'll respect you a lot more for the honesty than for what may seem like an attempt to manipulate them.

[Sleel]

Fuck no. Tell me what's wrong so I can either A) Fix it, or B) Avoid doing it again.

Pretending you're not mad at me makes me mad at you. I've dumped the few women I dated who pulled that shit more than a couple of times. Even if she looks like a supermodel, fucks like a porn star, and makes beautiful babies to carry on my line, life is too short to spend with people who play the "I'm mad at you but I won't tell you why" game.

[severe delays]

One of the tricks my mother used (and still uses with my father) is 'the silent treatment'. She thinks it's a legitimate way of communicating but to me it's spiteful and bitchy. She knows I can play the game longer than she can so she no longer dares use it but as a child it was very confusing and frightening to suddenly have your mother refuse to even acknowledge you.

However.... ( )

If I am angry or upset I often need some time out to collect my thoughts and get to an emotional point where I can deal with whatever it was that caused the problem. It's not about making someone guess why I am upset or about punishing them by withdrawing. It's more about me needing a little space before I can talk about it. I could understand how someone might view that as withdrawing from them in anger rather than so that I could deal with my anger.

[Wolf Larsen]

It's ok to conceal your anger while you are loading.

[WednesdayAddams]

Originally Posted by severe delays

However.... ( )

If I am angry or upset I often need some time out to collect my thoughts and get to an emotional point where I can deal with whatever it was that caused the problem. It's not about making someone guess why I am upset or about punishing them by withdrawing. It's more about me needing a little space before I can talk about it. I could understand how someone might view that as withdrawing from them in anger rather than so that I could deal with my anger.

This can be okay, I think, if you come out and tell that person that you're angry and need a little time to process before talking about it.

[Hamadryad]

If you're angry, you tell the person why. Being coy about it is a bunch of middle-school crap. Man the fuck up, be an adult, and admit that you're mad. ESPECIALLY if I ask.

If I ask if you're mad, and you are, and you tell me you're NOT, I am absolved of any responsibility to try to make things better, IMO. You told me you were fine; I'm treating you like you're fine.

[Panacea]

Originally Posted by WednesdayAddams

The silent treatment makes me want to slap the silent person. Either spit it out or get over it, for fuck's sake.

Sometimes it takes me quite a few days to get over it. That can't be helped. I do try to avoid the person I'm angry with, so that they don't get "the silent treatment". But I think sometimes it's better to remain quiet rather than say something I'm going to regret later.

ETA: Oops, I see SD beat me to it.

[severe delays]

Originally Posted by WednesdayAddams

This can be okay, I think, if you come out and tell that person that you're angry and need a little time to process before talking about it.

Yes, not telling them would be nasty. But it depends on how they can handle space in a relationship. I can't bear smothering or clinginess so logically I expect there are plenty of people out there who would find it intolerable to have a partner not wanting to interact for a bit.

[Portia]

Originally Posted by WednesdayAddams

No, it isn't enough. Not unless you tell them. What you're doing now is just driving a deeper wedge.

If the relationship matters to you as much as it sounds like it does, talk to this person. Even start out with 'this may sound petty, but please bear with me because I need to get it off my chest.' Then ask why it seems less important to them than to you. They'll respect you a lot more for the honesty than for what may seem like an attempt to manipulate them.

"It hurts me that you don't seem to care enough about our friendship to have a place for me in your life."
"That's because I don't care enough about our friendship to have a place for you in my life."


X10000

[Panacea]

At that point, you have to make up your mind whether the emotional investment you are making in this friendship is worth it to you. If you're not getting enough back out of it, it's time to walk away.


In the big picture, every relationship in your life is like that.

[Fenris]

Originally Posted by Portia

"It hurts me that you don't seem to care enough about our friendship to have a place for me in your life."
"That's because I don't care enough about our friendship to have a place for you in my life."


X10000

In which case, it's better to know. If they don't care, at least you can stop wasting the effort trying to get them to. The silent treatment or the "I'm mad at you...guess why" game never, ever, ever improves things.

[Portia]

Originally Posted by Portia

"It hurts me that you don't seem to care enough about our friendship to have a place for me in your life."
"That's because I don't care enough about our friendship to have a place for you in my life."


X10000

Sent an email to this person, let's see what they think. **sinking feeling**

[Uthrecht]

My general feeling on the subject? It's never okay to make someone guess that you're angry at them. I can understand not telling someone that you're angry at them. I've done that before, like if I can't express properly what the issue is for me, or I know I'm not cool-headed enough for it, or I think it's too piddling an issue to warrant opening it up. At that point, of course, it's my responsibility to keep that all internal - if I show it to the point where someone asks, I need to express it or I'm being the bad guy in the situation.

My take on your current situation? Um. Well, it sounds like she's suddenly become less available, and you don't know specifically why. This is currently not your problem. This is her being less available. By all means, ask why. If she wants to come clean and tell you that it's because you got angry with her (or whatever reason), then bang, you get to talk and discuss. If she doesn't give you a reason, then it's her problem. Easier said than dealt with, I know, but it's still good to bear in mind: if she has an issue that she doesn't want to discuss with you, you should not at that point feel guilty.

[Solfy]

Originally Posted by Portia

You suspect someone's angry w/ you, or someone's made you so mad you shut them out. Are either of you in the right? Is it ever right and just to make someone guess at the emotions of another?

(responding to the OP without tainting my opinion by reading the rest of the thread)

If I suspect someone is angry with me and shutting me out, it is their responsibility to let me know there is a problem and what it is. If they are angry with me and they want things fixed badly enough, they can let me know. If they choose not to let me know, I can only assume that they're either not that angry or not that interested in fixing the problem.

It is not my responsibility to walk around on eggshells trying to guess what it is they're mad about, or to try to prise it out of them by begging. It is my responsibility to hear them out like a grownup if and when they are willing to communicate, and to work mutually to come to some sort of resolution if at all possible.


Sometimes I do shut people out when I am angry. I will do this if I recognize that I am so very angry that any attempt at conflict resolution is only going to result in nastiness on my part and I am not yet calm enough to discuss things rationally. I try to let it be known that I am in a cooling-off period and will talk later, but I admit I don't always succeed.

The frustrating times are when I'm angry with someone and experience has taught me that any attempt to resolve the issue in a calm, rational matter will result in, "Oh, so everything's MY FAULT! Everything's always MY FAULT! And you're SO PERFECT." This pisses. me. off. and makes me disinclined to communicate things that are bothering me. Instead I go quiet and they fester, and I wind up ranting all over here instead, which is arguably less productive but does honestly make me feel better. The upshot is I usually manage to bring it up eventually when it's less likely to result in a teenager-like temper tantrum.

[HongKongFooey]

Originally Posted by Portia

Sent an email to this person, let's see what they think. **sinking feeling**

I hope it works out for you but remember that your friendships should make you feel good not bad. If they respond negatively maybe you just don't need them.

[Portia]

Originally Posted by HongKongFooey

I hope it works out for you but remember that your friendships should make you feel good not bad. If they respond negatively maybe you just don't need them.

Just hung up w/ them, got an apology further clarification so I'm glad to say it appears to be all good.

The friend who's trying to get me to ask her if she's mad - no word from her yet and I'm not playing along so it's likely keeeeeling her.

I don't like to burn bridges unless my future enjoyment of life's at stake.

[crackrat]

I hate this bullshit. One of the things I've learned about myself from my relationships is that I hate being manipulated. If someone's mad at me, or unhappy about something I've done, I want to hear about it. "You should know why I'm upset," pisses me off. And similarly, when I feel like someone's trying to manipulate me into choosing something rather than just saying what they want me to do, I'm actually more likely to choose the one I feel like they don't want, whether I have a strong feeling on the matter or not.

[Suburban Plankton]

I don't think it's ever OK. If somebody has pissed you off, then for god's sake, just tell them...it's not that difficult. I also think you should tell them why you're angry, but I can accept that there might be times when the person really ought to be able to figure out what they did without having the details spelled out for them.

FTR, I speak as one who has been in the position of the "angerer" far more often than the "angered"...

[Dragonlady]

Originally Posted by Solfy

If I suspect someone is angry with me and shutting me out, it is their responsibility to let me know there is a problem and what it is. If they are angry with me and they want things fixed badly enough, they can let me know. If they choose not to let me know, I can only assume that they're either not that angry or not that interested in fixing the problem.

It is not my responsibility to walk around on eggshells trying to guess what it is they're mad about, or to try to prise it out of them by begging. It is my responsibility to hear them out like a grownup if and when they are willing to communicate, and to work mutually to come to some sort of resolution if at all possible.


Sometimes I do shut people out when I am angry. I will do this if I recognize that I am so very angry that any attempt at conflict resolution is only going to result in nastiness on my part and I am not yet calm enough to discuss things rationally. I try to let it be known that I am in a cooling-off period and will talk later, but I admit I don't always succeed.

The frustrating times are when I'm angry with someone and experience has taught me that any attempt to resolve the issue in a calm, rational matter will result in, "Oh, so everything's MY FAULT! Everything's always MY FAULT! And you're SO PERFECT." This pisses. me. off. and makes me disinclined to communicate things that are bothering me. Instead I go quiet and they fester, and I wind up ranting all over here instead, which is arguably less productive but does honestly make me feel better. The upshot is I usually manage to bring it up eventually when it's less likely to result in a teenager-like temper tantrum.

Will you be my friend Solfy????

[Solfy]

[Mako]

I agree with Sleel, Fenris, crackrat, etc.

But at the same time, I agree with Dirx and Roo. Go ahead and be pissed off if you want. If it's that petty, take some time to get over yourself so that normal service can resume.

But don't expect me to pussyfoot around you in the meantime.

[AHunter3]

It's OK if they're dangerous, and where you're considerably safer just cutting them out of your life rather than making them aware that you're angry at them.

Doesn't mean I'm not inclined to poke them anyway, but I'm not known for my common sense

[Lungfish]

I hate people who playing games like this.

[Romola]

If I'm at the point of shutting someone out, I'm past the point where I care how they behave in future or need them to know whether I'm angry with them or not. It's not a tactic to influence someone's behaviour, it's my way of getting as close as possible to erasing their existence forever

[Fish]

It's okay to be angry at somebody and not be angry at somebody if you're a wombat.

[Anacanapuna]

I never do this. When someone pisses me off, I bawl them out at the top of my lungs, walk out, and slam the door behind me. Then I don't speak to him/her/them until I really need something from them again. Or, in my wife's case, until the next morning. We actually do go to bed mad sometimes, but everybody concerned does know why, and at sunup the next morning the statute of limitations automatically runs out.