My Manhood
Posted 23rd August 2009 at 06:49 AM by Nrblex
It's been a long time since I had a real relationship. I've fooled around and stuff, but nothing serious, and that's been fine with me. Lately, though, I've been getting really anxious about it and worrying I'm never going to have one again.
See, I'm a female-to-male transsexual. The surgery options aren't all that great for us, so I'm probably not going to have anything done "downstairs" and continue to rely on prosthetics and stuff. And I think I'm pretty damn good looking as a man. I've got a nice mix of pretty/masculine features and every day I'm gaining more muscle mass. As I get more confident, I know I can attract all the attention I want.
But...
Then what? Because it's repeatedly, every day, thrown in my face that what "really" makes a man is what he's got in his pants. I don't have a bio-dick and so I'm useless. It doesn't matter that I can have any size my partner could possibly want, last as long as I want, and can be ready to go 24/7. It's not flesh. It's not "real."
All of my gay cismale (that's the opposite of trans) friends are great. They're very encouraging and stuff. But, there's also this vague sense of patronizing. Yes, they're nice, but they're nice like I'm a little pet project. I'm something that's entertaining to look at and ask questions of and they're happy to treat me like a guy, but nobody is ever going to forget what I have in my pants. I'm just one of the guys until sex comes up, and then I'm "that girl that wants to fuck gay guys."
And while there is absolutely nothing wrong with women and there is no insult in womanhood at all, having my masculinity cease to exist the second sex is on the table is insulting. But there it is.
What is manhood if not a synonym for a dick?
See, I'm a female-to-male transsexual. The surgery options aren't all that great for us, so I'm probably not going to have anything done "downstairs" and continue to rely on prosthetics and stuff. And I think I'm pretty damn good looking as a man. I've got a nice mix of pretty/masculine features and every day I'm gaining more muscle mass. As I get more confident, I know I can attract all the attention I want.
But...
Then what? Because it's repeatedly, every day, thrown in my face that what "really" makes a man is what he's got in his pants. I don't have a bio-dick and so I'm useless. It doesn't matter that I can have any size my partner could possibly want, last as long as I want, and can be ready to go 24/7. It's not flesh. It's not "real."
All of my gay cismale (that's the opposite of trans) friends are great. They're very encouraging and stuff. But, there's also this vague sense of patronizing. Yes, they're nice, but they're nice like I'm a little pet project. I'm something that's entertaining to look at and ask questions of and they're happy to treat me like a guy, but nobody is ever going to forget what I have in my pants. I'm just one of the guys until sex comes up, and then I'm "that girl that wants to fuck gay guys."
And while there is absolutely nothing wrong with women and there is no insult in womanhood at all, having my masculinity cease to exist the second sex is on the table is insulting. But there it is.
What is manhood if not a synonym for a dick?
Total Comments 4
Comments
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It's a pretty complicated situation, I can't argue. I'd say in the broad scheme, manhood and womanhood are more than just what piping you have, but when you narrow it down to when sex is on the table it's hard to get past.
Ultimately, regardless of what lifestyle you have or how alternate it is, it can be difficult to adjust to those who have a different fundamental lifestyle. There's humor in there somewhere, but not necessarily when you're on the rough end of it.Posted 24th August 2009 at 04:17 AM by Uthrecht 
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I mentioned my genderqueer friend in your 'ask the' thread. Si seems to have found a community in which it doesn't seem too difficult for the members to find relationships with one another, regardless of their trans- or genderqueer status. Do you live in a place/have a community like that? if not, do you think maybe you could find such a community?
Posted 25th August 2009 at 08:16 PM by mlerose
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I don't have a community like that and since the GLBT community around here is pretty limited anyway, I don't think I'd have the opportunity. But, I do plan on moving once I'm doing with school. One of my key concerns is finding someplace where it'll be a little easier to be me.
Posted 26th August 2009 at 09:53 AM by Nrblex
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I think the Bay Area (or NYC) are probably still the most queer-friendly places I've been. My friend is in graduate school in North Carolina now, but si maintains long distance relationships with hir daddy and hir boyfriend. (And to be honest I have no idea what cisgender either of them are.)
Good luck!Posted 26th August 2009 at 09:59 AM by mlerose
