Fucking ex-wife stalking me (long, boring)

[Orkan Man]

I can understand where Dudley is coming from, I've had nasty breakups where worse was done on both sides, and I wish I'd been a better person through it.

Dudley, if there's anything to send, pack up all your negative feelings with the cassettes and send them.

And won't she be surprised when they arrive in a box otherwise filled with mugwort and salt.

[Portia]

She is your ex-wife, she's certainly fucking someone who isn't you and has been for some time, but stalking she is not. When you're afraid to go out to your car for fear of her jumping out at you then you can say you're being stalked. At this point she's annoying you slightly less than she annoyed you when she replaced your uninterested self in the first place.

[Veb]

Speaking as one with a crazy, stalkery ex, just do whatever will get the nutjar out of your life. If you still have the videos and can put your hands on them fairly easily, then just send them to her. If you don't want to hassle with it then just tell her you don't have them anymore. They got melted, lost, stolen, eaten by rabid attic bats, whatever--you ain't got 'em so she's shit outta luck.

Frankly I'd lean more toward just telling her you don't have them and to leave you the fuck alone. You're not dealing with someone who's well balanced. My ex still bugged me to give him X, Y and Z more than 10 years after the divorce because he decided they suddenly held deep, personal meaning for him. This included a set of dishes left to me by my grandmother but some were just weird shit he hadn't bothered to take. I threw them out years ago but he kept bugging me about them. I finally informed him that I'm not a storage company and anything he left behind was gone.

Hell, if you still have the videos, just toss 'em in the trash.

[McNutty]

Originally Posted by Veb

If you don't want to hassle with it then just tell her you don't have them anymore.

Very much agreed. I didn't really make this clear in my message when I said to either send them to her or tell her you don't have them any more, but even if you still have them, I wouldn't feel any remorse about simply pretending you don't and throwing them away. All you have to do is put an end to the situation where she thinks you might still have them but aren't sending them.

[Anacanapuna]

Wow! Three days, 54 posts, and two pages later, the advice is still the same.

So, Dud, have you sent the tapes yet?

[Chacoguy]

Dud.

[Khampelf]

Dudley?

Do right.

Return the tapes.



ETA - Yeah, yeah, I saw a tagger beat me to it after I posted, but I missed the edit window.

[Dragonlady]

He has already said that he doesn't HAVE the tapes.

[R. J. Squirrel]

Originally Posted by Dragonlady

He has already said that he doesn't HAVE the tapes.

[Guerrilla Psychologist]

So he should tell her he doesn't have them already. Dudley's being ambiguous about them, he speaks of them in the present tense. He's not considering them of worth to him, but holding them because he knows she wants them. If she's stalking, he's stringing. No judgement, but understanding. Hanging on to that one last piece of hurt means you still have something. Or some stuff. It gets to feel good to you.

[/Guerrilla Psychologist]

[Mustard Stain]

Okay, I'd send her the tapes just to be done with it. Maybe she'd get whatever "closure" she needs and then fuck off.

However... There was something that sounded a little "off" when his ex-wife said: "Send me the tapes so I can share them with my new husband and children."

1) After a year or two, if I had't gotten my precious heirloom back, I would consider it gone for ever, then go cry in a beer.
2) Her new husband and kids want to watch videos of his new wife on holiday with her previous husband?

I dunno, something about that set off my heebie-jeebie detector.

OP was being a dick a bunch of years ago while he still had the tapes, but that lady as really got to learn to let go of some stuff too.

[McNutty]

Originally Posted by Dragonlady

He has already said that he doesn't HAVE the tapes.

What he said was "As far as I am concerned, they are my video tapes and they're long gone." Which is a bit ambiguous with respect to whether he literally does not have the tapes anymore. That's why people are answering with both possibilities in mind.

[Mr. Plumbean]

This thread has become an interesting litmus test.

[wring]

of what?
never mind.

[Khampelf]

Originally Posted by wring

of what?
never mind.

Acidity, duh. What the hell do you use litmus strips for?

[Portia]

Originally Posted by Mr. Plumbean

This thread has become an interesting litmus test.

I can never remember, is it projection or transference?

[Solfy]

Originally Posted by Khampelf

What the hell do you use litmus strips for?

Some people use it to differentiate amniotic fluid from urine.

[kayaker]

Originally Posted by Solfy

Some people use it to differentiate amniotic fluid from urine.

Some folks have odd hobbies.

[DoubleJ]

Originally Posted by kayaker

Some folks have odd hobbies fetishes.

FTFY.

[Dudley]

I forgot to say that the last time I responded to her was when she wrote the "I want to show them to my children" bit that I was sorry for her loss and that the tapes were lost in one of my many moves. That was last year (Augustish 2012). So, I didn't remember that correctly (I didn't ignore it).

The fact is that none of the video I recorded had any of her relatives, including her grandmother, in it.

Another fact is that my ex-wife is insanely competitive and it burns her ass to this day that I dropped the legal fight and opted for divorce. She won stuff, but I won peace of mind. She was also hoping for reconciliation in the end (we fought all the time over nonsense and eventually made up, she thought this was one of those times), and it also chapped her keister that I was the first one to find someone else.

Yes, this is about a lot more than videos. If I sent them, there would have absolutely been something else. "Hey, my mother bought that wooden spoon set for Christmas in 2001. I want it. Can you send it to me?"

And all of you saying that I should tell her that this is "official notice" to leave me alone... fuck, do you live in the real world? That may work on TV, but it doesn't work with other actual humans, especially ones who are imbalanced. That's why we have things called restraining orders and police departments. I tend not be get myself affiliated with law enforcement, but my ex-wife is no stranger to them.

[Mustard Stain]

Some of that info would have been helpful further upthread, you know.

[Dragonlady]

But then we wouldn't have had nearly as much to talk about.

Never let accuracy get in the way of a good story - it should be our motto.

[Portia]

Originally Posted by Mustard Stain

Some of that info would have been helpful further upthread, you know.

In the OP he said she stepped out on him first, whereas now he says he found someone else before she did; I guess he changed his mind about that info. But hey, so long as she's the over-competitive one, right?
Don't worry, Dudley, you still win, man!

[Astroboy14]

Originally Posted by Portia

In the OP he said she stepped out on him first, whereas now he says he found someone else before she did; I guess he changed his mind about that info. But hey, so long as she's the over-competitive one, right?
Don't worry, Dudley, you still win, man!

Maybe I read wrong, but I took that to mean that post-divorce he was the first to find a new sweety...

[Dudley]

Originally Posted by Portia

In the OP he said she stepped out on him first, whereas now he says he found someone else before she did; I guess he changed his mind about that info. But hey, so long as she's the over-competitive one, right?
Don't worry, Dudley, you still win, man!

Um, talking long-term "found someone," as in "this is your replacement." Her fling was over pretty quick.

This isn't about winning, you dolt. It's about getting rid of someone who's stalking me.

[Dudley]

Originally Posted by Astroboy14

Maybe I read wrong, but I took that to mean that post-divorce he was the first to find a new sweety...

You got it.

[Dudley]

Originally Posted by Mustard Stain

Some of that info would have been helpful further upthread, you know.

Yeah, I know. But it was fun watching people tripping over themselves to make the next outlandish assumption.

"Wait, I got it! You used to beat her and there was evidence on those tapes. She also suspected that, in addition to beating her grandmother too, you also painted her toenails blue while she was sleeping, and you recorded all of it in Japan during your trip. She wants the tapes to bring you to court and collect your millions. You are disgusting, Dudley. And you're abusive! I'll never look at blue nail polish the same way again."

[Little Nemo]

Originally Posted by Dudley

Yeah, I know. But it was fun watching people tripping over themselves to make the next outlandish assumption.

"Wait, I got it! You used to beat her and there was evidence on those tapes. She also suspected that, in addition to beating her grandmother too, you also painted her toenails blue while she was sleeping, and you recorded all of it in Japan during your trip. She wants the tapes to bring you to court and collect your millions. You are disgusting, Dudley. And you're abusive! I'll never look at blue nail polish the same way again."

The only assumption I made was that you had some tapes that belonged to your ex-wife. They were of her grandmother and had personal value to her. They had no equivalent value
to you. She asked for them back. You made up excuses for seven years and didn't give them back. And then you went to an online message board and tried to tell other people that somehow your ex-wife was in the wrong.

[Dudley]

Originally Posted by Little Nemo

The only assumption I made was that you had some tapes that belonged to your ex-wife. They were of her grandmother and had personal value to her. They had no equivalent value
to you. She asked for them back. You made up excuses for seven years and didn't give them back. And then you went to an online message board and tried to tell other people that somehow your ex-wife was in the wrong.

Your assumption was incorrect on at least two fronts:

1. The videos were not of her grandmother.

2. I didn't make up excuses, and I don't withhold the videos with malice. I did so with apathy. Big difference.

I went on a message board asking for suggestions on how I can get rid of her.

[Joey P]

Originally Posted by Dudley

2. I didn't make up excuses, and I don't withhold the videos with malice. I did so with apathy. Big difference.

So I found them and watched them really quick. Because I'm a horrible videographer, we didn't get anything at all really... About an hour's worth of Japanese scenery. No family pictures, nothing. I tell her this, but she still wants them. Now she's a little bitchy about it and is getting demanding. Huh, really? You kept the house and the joint bank account, so I'll tell you want fucknuts: Buy a fucking camera, drag your grandmother to Japan again, and make your own videos. I'm done with this nonsense. I tell her that the videos are worthless and I'm going to reuse the tapes. I also tell her to stop hounding me and set up a rule in Outlook to permanently delete messages from her. Was this a bit spiteful on my part? Yes, yes, it was.

You had them in your hand, you could have just dropped them in the mail or had someone pass them along to her, instead you made up an excuse (they weren't good, there's nothing worthwhile on them) to not give them to her. Also, you said yourself this was spiteful, people that are apathetic don't do things out of spite.

[Blue Sock]

If you think your actions read as 'apathy', you are delusional.

But just keep telling yourself that all this happened despite your mature, Zen-like calm and emotional remove.

[McNutty]

Originally Posted by Dudley

1. The videos were not of her grandmother.

Look, dude, it's easy to go back and point out where conclusions people drew about your own incomplete description of the story were wrong, but your description was shitty enough that you can't really fault people. When you said "Buy a fucking camera, drag your grandmother to Japan again, and make your own videos" you made it sound like there was something about these videos that would require her grandmother's help to recreate them. Whether or not you actually said this to her or fantasized about saying it, you don't exactly paint a convincing picture that there was literally no value in the videos. The proclamation that there was nothing there pretty much sounds like your opinion, and since you failed to communicate clearly enough to us, you may have also failed to communicate it clearly enough to her. I can't really blame someone looking for any sentimental connection to her grandmother to want to decide for herself if they were really worthless, as you say.

2. I didn't make up excuses, and I don't withhold the videos with malice. I did so with apathy. Big difference.

Well, your portrayal of the situation sounds a lot more like malice than apathy, so if that's wrong, don't blame us. It kind of sounds to me like you said "the videos are worthless, don't bother" and then started auto-deleting her email, then boggled for years that she didn't understand that the videos were really gone. I don't know what to tell you, but I have a hard time believing just saying "no, seriously, the videos are gone, so you can stop asking" wouldn't have helped.

[maplekiwi]

Originally Posted by Joey P

You had them in your hand, you could have just dropped them in the mail or had someone pass them along to her, instead you made up an excuse (they weren't good, there's nothing worthwhile on them) to not give them to her. Also, you said yourself this was spiteful, people that are apathetic don't do things out of spite.

This.

You are asking us for advice, then saying "No that won't work" without even trying. Isn't this what Opal used to get such a hard time for?

[Arnold Jackson's Mare]

Originally Posted by maplekiwi

This.

You are asking us for advice, then saying "No that won't work" without even trying. Isn't this what Opal used to get such a hard time for?

...buckeyes?

[Xploder]

Originally Posted by Dragonlady

But then we wouldn't have had nearly as much to talk about.

Never let accuracy get in the way of a good story - it should be our motto.

I've always posted under the assumption that that was our motto.

[hajario]

Originally Posted by maplekiwi

This.

You are asking us for advice, then saying "No that won't work" without even trying. Isn't this what Opal used to get such a hard time for?

Agreed. If you sent her the damn tape way back when and then she bugged you about some other mundane item, I'd have more sympathy. If you had told her in the beginning, "I don't have the tape. It must have gotten trashed" instead of just putting her off with excuses and she kept on about it, then I'd have more sympathy. You really don't come off well here.

[Parthenokinesis]

Originally Posted by maplekiwi

This.

You are asking us for advice, then saying "No that won't work" without even trying. Isn't this what Opal used to get such a hard time for?

At least Opal showed us her tits once in a while.

[SmartAleq]

Originally Posted by Parthenokinesis

At least Opal showed us her tits once in a while.

Meh, I've been to a Pancake House.

[kayaker]

Originally Posted by Parthenokinesis

At least Opal showed us her tits once in a while.

Yep, tits or GTFO.

[Portia]

Originally Posted by Parthenokinesis

At least Opal showed us her tits once in a while.

And in an ironic twist, one of the first rules of the Fallout board is, 'Please don't show us your tits.'

[kayaker]

Originally Posted by SmartAleq

Meh, I've been to a Pancake House.

Never saw them; so, they were syrupy?

[Portia]

Originally Posted by kayaker

Never saw them; so, they were syrupy?

Blueberry and chocolate chip.

[Hobo with a spatula]

So, Dudley. Pal. Amigo. Brother. Tell me.

Do these tapes still physically exist in a place where you can lay hands on them?

[Portia]

Originally Posted by Hobo with a spatula

So, Dudley. Pal. Amigo. Brother. Tell me.

Do these tapes still physically exist in a place where you can lay hands on them?

Ok, we can all see you're obviously Dudley's ex-wife, who's not only moved to a city of millions of people 'coincidentally' near where he lives, but has been hanging around here for 4 years waiting to jump on him about those tapes. Could you BE any more transparent, lady? Gosh.

[Dragonlady]

And "she's" been hanging around here since 2009. What patience she has..

[kayaker]

Scheming bitch!

[Solfy]

Originally Posted by Dragonlady

And "she's" been hanging around here since 2009. What patience she has..

I thought we were all your socks.

[Dragonlady]

SHHHHH, Dudley doesn't know....

[Mr. Plumbean]

Several years after our break up I ran into an ex girlfriend at Ikea. I haven't seen her since, but I also ran into her DAD on a busy sidewalk near where he works. She is obviously a crazy psycho, stalking me. I mean what kind of crazy person sends her DAD to help her TOTALLY STALK me??? What should I do?

[Muffin]

Find a little old lady who looks like your ex's grandmother, shoot some footage of her in your local Chinatown, and send your ex the vid.

Or quit whining about a problem that you brought on yourself.

[Anacanapuna]

Originally Posted by Dragonlady

But then we wouldn't have had nearly as much to talk about.

Never let accuracy get in the way of a good story - it should be our motto.

Don't tell my wife, but I fell in love with you at first post, and I remain head-over-heels in virtual love with you, woman!

Our family's motto when it comes to telling clan legends: "It may not be the facts, but it's the truth!"