Decembery Dickery, Doc!

[SmartAleq]

Because there ain't NO end of fucked up shit that happens at the end of the year. It's something about watching the days get shorter and colder and the traffic get more and more fucked up and the scheisty music everywhere and people become total shitheads. Fuck December, anyway!

[JackieLikesVariety]

yes, I see what you mean.

[Harry]

Originally Posted by SmartAleq

... Fuck December, anyway!

You wouldn't like it...it just lays there like it's frozen.

[teela brown]

The real estate partner I work for has a buttload of complex closings in December, as usual, yet she is taking a week off right in the middle of it all. More and more, she uses me as a paralegal to take up slack while she's away. But I'm not a paralegal, I'm a secretary. I have a secretary's education and a secretary's salary, and I am secretary to five attorneys.

And her Christmas gift to me this year will probably be the same as usual: a $50 gift certificate to a grocery store.

I like working for her, but damn, she's cheap. And I'm unsuited for this level of work.

[AuntiePam]

teela, I always hated it when one partner went on vacation. He'd dilly-dally for weeks and then leave a three-foot stack of files and six dictation tapes on my desk -- the week before Christmas.

Do the other partners know she's asking you to work outside your pay grade?

Me, I'm waiting on a city official to provide info for a special meeting next Tuesday. The notice and the report need to be mailed tomorrow. If I mail the notice without his report, he looks bad. If I wait too long to send the notice, I look bad.

[Anacanapuna]

Originally Posted by SmartAleq

Because there ain't NO end of fucked up shit that happens at the end of the year. It's something about watching the days get shorter and colder and the traffic get more and more fucked up and the scheisty music everywhere and people become total shitheads. Fuck December, anyway!

I love when you talk dirty. It's a turn-on, you know.

[SmartAleq]

It's only because you're so old you still think those words are "dirty!"

WTF is it with the overpriced USB-micro cables all of a sudden? My phone didn't charge last night for whatever reason and the only USB cable I had with me is apparently fuxxord so I dropped into a Fred Meyer and an Office Repo but all they had were craptastic colorful 2 ft cables for six bucks a shot! The hell? So I went home and ordered five retractable ones off Amazon, six bucks with free shipping. And that, my friends, is why brick and mortar stores are floundering.

[Jaglavak]

Originally Posted by teela brown

But I'm not a paralegal, I'm a secretary. I have a secretary's education and a secretary's salary, and I am secretary to five attorneys.

You should lightly pester the other attorneys with obvious questions about the documents. Then maybe they'll have a word with the other attorney and tell her to do her own work. Otherwise if you find a way to make it work on your own, you'll get more of the same.

[Despotic Harridan]

The friend who stroked a couple weeks ago, that I mentioned in the November rant thread, is now on hospice. Too much brain damage. We're going to say goodbye tomorrow, if he lasts that long.

And of course, as with any death, there's drama. Family is all blaming the scummy girl friend. Yeah, she's scummy, but she didn't make him stop taking his meds, or if she did, then he was less of a man and adult than I thought.

The doc (coincidentally, I was in for a BP check yesterday) said too many men stop taking them to help attain erections. Dying to fuck I guess.

Just so pissed.

[Radical Edward]

I would just like to say: fuck logarithmic equations. And fuck systems of equations. And fuck functions in general.

[Anacanapuna]

Ok, now I love it when you talk dirty.

And I'm not old. I'm just experienced. And easily aroused by attractive women saying "fuck."

And in the spirit of the thread, here's my bitch: An entire day shot to hell because the client sent an email to me at an address I almost never use, resulting in the neglect of an urgent customer request, causing me to pull two agents off the phones to untangle the mess caused by aforementioned neglect, requiring my constant attention and approval of each and every step of the process, which prevented me from accomplishing any of the 102 things in my "to do" list.

"Well, we'd prefer you use our corporate email, so this is really your own fault."

And I'd prefer you pull your head out of your ass, fuckstick, and realize that it takes two separate logins to use your OWA email, which makes it damn hard to use.

[Radical Edward]

Also fuck exponential functions, and any graphs thereof.

[scurvy]

But we don't have to fuck y=mx+b, right? Cause that's a slippery slope.

[Radical Edward]

As long as it remains slippery, we can keep it. But if it ever needs lubing up, you're on your own.

[Wolf Larsen]

Originally Posted by scurvy

But we don't have to fuck y=mx+b, right? Cause that's a slippery slope.

[Random Precision]

Originally Posted by scurvy

But we don't have to fuck y=mx+b, right? Cause that's a slippery slope.

I thought the slippery slope was K(Y dy/dx).

[Solfy]

Every fucking December is the same.

I freak out about all the shit that needs done and the fact that I'll be left to do it. I turn into MegaBitch*. Shit gets done. Some shit doesn't get done and I try not to stress about it. And fail. Christmas comes, the kids have a nice holiday, and the world continues to spin on its axis.


*As I recall from my childhood, this is a family tradition. Only now I'm the bitchy mom instead of the kid eagerly anticipating Christmas and actively staying out of Mom's way.

[Jaglavak]

So choose a Christmas when the kids are old enough to take the lesson, and let stuff not get done.

[Solfy]

The kids are not the problem. They are ever eager to help me bake and decorate and sometimes even clean (though their involvement often complicates tasks enough to make the "help" a net loss). But they can't hang lights, buy groceries, haul decoration bins up from the basement, go gift shopping on their own, wrap their own gifts from Santa, etc.

So ask for help from the other adult in the house.
Why should I have to ask? Is the other adult incapable of reading a calendar? Does anyone ever fucking ASK me if I would please do any of this shit? And did you know that if you do one token thing* that someone asks you to do, your contribution to preparing for holidays is complete and you can pat yourself on the back for "helping" (why is it not considered "helping" when I do shit?) and go take a nap?

I'm just tired of always being the person in charge. I want to be a team, not a boss. I want to know someone's got my back, that I won't have to dictate and beg/plead/nag.


*My mother still kvetches about the fact that one year my father's contribution to cleaning the house in anticipation of hosting 50 of his family members was lifting his feet so she could vacuum in front of the couch. He then had the balls to announce, unironically, "I just love the holidays!"

[bufftabby]

Solfy, maybe you could make a list of all the things that need to be done and present it to him as a joint effort. Ask him to choose some tasks that he would like to personally commit to handling. He may not realize how many things need to be done because your awesome self always makes it look effortless, and hopefully get some perspective on just how much of the load you're bearing. Also, if you're initialing as things are completed, it would also provide a concrete illustration of any disparity between who's actually accomplishing how much.

[Despotic Harridan]

They removed him from life support. He's hanging on. Sleeping mostly, but wakes and is agitated.

GODDAMN, if I still had some liquid C17H19NO3, I'd sneak it in. Why the fuck aren't they dripping it? His whole family has to sit there and watch that.

[Solfy]

Originally Posted by bufftabby

Solfy, maybe you could make a list of all the things that need to be done and present it to him as a joint effort. Ask him to choose some tasks that he would like to personally commit to handling. He may not realize how many things need to be done because your awesome self always makes it look effortless, and hopefully get some perspective on just how much of the load you're bearing. Also, if you're initialing as things are completed, it would also provide a concrete illustration of any disparity between who's actually accomplishing how much.

I've been handling it almost that way in a sort of verbal version. "Here is what needs to be done this week - which job(s) will you be doing?" I just get tired of always being the one in charge of that. It makes me feel like the mother of a really old teenager instead of a partner/spouse. (this is true in many situations, not just Christmas prep) I've explained this frustration several times, but I just don't think it sinks in. The alternative is not directing everything, and then nothing happens/gets done and that pisses me off, too.

The good news is I'm starting to sleep at night again, so I'm 75% less pissy today.


I'm sorry about your friend, Harridan. I wish him swift passing and peace.

[Jaglavak]

I don't know what to say, DH, but I hope you are OK.

[JackieLikesVariety]

I'm sorry, Despotic Harridan.

[Despotic Harridan]

I got the text at 8:45. He's gone. I was streaming KXT, a wonderful radio station, and they were playing Grateful Dead. His favorite. What a long strange road it's been. RIP, Mike.

[Hunter Hawk]

In other news from the Dept. of Mortality Really Fucking Sucks, I found out yesterday that my favorite aunt is slowly dying. I should be able to see her at Christmas, but I wouldn't put money on her ability to last much beyond that. She's also in the "has some good days, has some bad days" stage of dementia, so frankly a quick death would be a blessing at this point.

And my mom finally broke down and got on the waiting list for a rest home.

Sometimes it sucks living on the other side of the continent.

[Guinastasia]

Jesus, I am so fucking sorry. This really is a horrible month for Gweeb loved ones.

[AuntiePam]

Originally Posted by Despotic Harridan

I got the text at 8:45. He's gone. I was streaming KXT, a wonderful radio station, and they were playing Grateful Dead. His favorite. What a long strange road it's been. RIP, Mike.

Eerie but comforting, in a way. I'm sorry about your friend, and Hunter Hawk about your aunt.

A couple days ago I notarized some documents for my favorite cousin, who has COPD (he's on oxygen) and bladder cancer. He started talking about family and when we were kids. I couldn't stay then but I'm gathering up some old pictures and will take them over.

[Hunter Hawk]

Originally Posted by Solfy

I've been handling it almost that way in a sort of verbal version. "Here is what needs to be done this week - which job(s) will you be doing?" I just get tired of always being the one in charge of that. It makes me feel like the mother of a really old teenager instead of a partner/spouse. (this is true in many situations, not just Christmas prep) I've explained this frustration several times, but I just don't think it sinks in. The alternative is not directing everything, and then nothing happens/gets done and that pisses me off, too.

Out of curiosity, has your husband ever been evaluated for ADHD? Because your complaints frankly sound like textbook examples of standard problems that spouses of ADHD folks have to deal with.

[Solfy]

Originally Posted by Hunter Hawk

Out of curiosity, has your husband ever been evaluated for ADHD? Because your complaints frankly sound like textbook examples of standard problems that spouses of ADHD folks have to deal with.

Not that I'm aware of, but I can't say it'd surprise me.

I tend to put it down to having deferred to his mother for 30 years, and then to me for 15. People fall back on the role that's familiar to them. I get tired of playing the role of parent to a grown up. (but bossy control freak is probably my default; I like to think of it as "person who gets shit done.")

[Jaglavak]

At the risk of explaining why I'm single, I used to get into this thing where I'd be a complete child about some stuff just because mom used to deal with it and my girlfriend would crumble and do it before I got around to it. But yet now I take care of those same chores for myself no problem. Trust me, the only way to stop it from happening is to make it not work anymore. You have to choose your battleground and let something go for as long as it takes.

[Pere]

Originally Posted by Solfy

I just get tired of always being the one in charge of that.

Originally Posted by Solfy

bossy control freak is probably my default; I like to think of it as "person who gets shit done."

Would you actually be happier, if you were not always in charge?

[Solfy]

If I had a time machine, I'd go back and make us wait a year to get married, or make Husband move out on his own for one year before the marriage. Because that would have made the first 4 years so much smoother.

We were both working, and agreed that we should split the housework equally - HA! It was four years of a 90/10 split, maybe 80/20 on a good day. He insisted he was "helping me" enough. I insisted that cleaning the toilet that you yourself shit in is not "helping." That's cleaning up after yourself. His jobs were to mow the lawn and take out the trash. Everything else (laundry, cooking, groceries, vacuuming, dusting, shopping, etc.) was mine. Because that's how it was when he lived with his mother.

When he became a SAHD, he finally began to understand exactly how much work was involved in keeping house, and how he really hadn't been doing 50%. "Never attribute to malice that which can adequately be explained by stupidity." (or in this case, garden variety lack of awareness) He stepped up accordingly. Except any time I'm off work for more than a day or so, we're back to 90/10 and I get all bitchy. Like last week.

I checked the signs of adult ADHD, and while there are a few that hit the mark (short temper, mood swings) most of them really don't (restlessness, impulsiveness, disorganization, lack of punctuality).


ETA: I would not be happy if I wasn't usually in charge. But sometimes I want someone else to pick the vacation destination, or make a restaurant reservation, or decide we should go to the park for the afternoon. I feel like the entertainment director on the cruise ship Solfyville, and I'd rather feel more like a team at least part of the time. I don't mind calling most of the shots, but I'd like to not call them all.
We've discussed this more than once, but things always revert back to default.

[SmartAleq]

Letting things go for as long as it takes. A noble idea in theory, but sometimes the reality is grim. At one point I shared a house with three grown men--my ex, my son and a friend of ours. We all had jobs, split the rent four ways, and theoretically the chores were supposed to be the same way, equal split and everyone taking turns on the various tasks.

The reality was a bit different. The humorous example was the toilet paper rolls. I'm not sure what suppressor gene left off of the Y chromosome controls the ability to take an empty roll off the dispenser and put a new one on, but it was in full force in my house. Apparently getting the new roll out of the package under the sink was no problem, but there was some insuperable obstacle involved in installing it on the roller. Just as an experiment, I stopped putting the new roll onto the dispenser unless I was the one who used up the last of the roll, then I (and ONLY I) would actually put the new roll onto the roller. Everyone else would just leave the empty rolls ON THE COUNTER, because apparently throwing away the old ones was JUST TOO MUCH WORK. I let it get to where there were 16 empty tubes on the counter, an empty on the roller and a half used roll on the counter then I hit the roof. I'm not sure what was said that day, but magically all three guys learned how to put a toilet paper roll onto the dispenser and I never had to have that chat again.

The less humorous example--the kitchen in this place was miniscule, with literally about one foot of counter space in which to prep food. I got rid of the tiny stove the place came with and moved in a giant old school double oven rig with a big prep space between the burners and that was where I worked with my ingredients. The sink was a single, likewise tiny. There was NO room for dirty dishes in this kitchen. So the dish patrol would go fine, my turn, son's turn, roommate's turn--then it would get to ex's turn and there the dishes would stay. And stay and stay and stay until someone (usually ME of course) would clean the fucking things. And the ex would skate on dishes again. So I finally got sick of it and left them. I figured that either he'd get ashamed of himself eventually (pffth, yeah right) or the other two guys would gang up and force the issue. Nope. Dishes got more and more putrid until I finally opened the window and chucked the whole mess out onto the yard. Where it all sat and stayed until it all got chucked into the bin.

Lesson learned there--my ex was SUCH a pig. I have a lot of sympathy, it sucks to be the one who notices the filth and who likes things to be nice because sure as shit, you'll be the one to handle everything forever. I have no tips and tricks on redressing these issues, aside from chucking the fucker out and never having to deal with any other person's mess again.

[Jaglavak]

Amateur! I once packed a sink full of manky dishes into a contractor bag and left the whole mess on my room mate's bed. But it sounds like that isn't the issue here. I was thinking on a bit of a different level, like actually planning and doing a project all on his own.

The flip side is that you have to live with how he did it. Just a little bit of backseat driving and he'll be back to 'helping' again. It's one of those stupid things in life that shouldn't be an issue but there it is.

[AuntiePam]

Ron says he's not buying gifts for any of the grandkids this Christmas. Last year, his daughter and a son bitched because their kids' gifts weren't as expensive as gifts we got for another son's kids.

Not sure how I feel about that.

[Pere]

Originally Posted by Jaglavak

Amateur! I once packed a sink full of manky dishes into a contractor bag and left the whole mess on my room mate's bed. But it sounds like that isn't the issue here. I was thinking on a bit of a different level, like actually planning and doing a project all on his own.

The flip side is that you have to live with how he did it. Just a little bit of backseat driving and he'll be back to 'helping' again. It's one of those stupid things in life that shouldn't be an issue but there it is.

Which is fair enough, really. If somebody acts like they want to run the show, and is particular about how every part of the show should go, it's reasonable to say, "OK, you do it how you like."

Which is not to defend non-contributory habits in a household. Everybody should be doing their share, one way or another. But for it to work, everybody has to accept that the things that are not their responsibility, are not their responsibility.

[Solfy]

Originally Posted by AuntiePam

Ron says he's not buying gifts for any of the grandkids this Christmas. Last year, his daughter and a son bitched because their kids' gifts weren't as expensive as gifts we got for another son's kids.



Not sure how I feel about that.

Oh that's a tricky one. Not fair to punish the grandkids, but holy ingrates,Batman.


Sent from my rock using tin cans and string.

[Khampelf]

I was also always the one to cave in on the housework issues. It ate into my free time, but I had a clear conscience. When I left that household I was pleased to hear there had been much bitching about the dishes stacking up and no clean towels after I left.

I've already bitched it up enough in the other threads, but damn is it exhausting to not let people you love walk all over you.

[The Futility of Nihilism]

I got this stupid papercut yesterday and it's still bugging me. Stupid papercut.

[Zeener Diode]

OK as promised: Zeener's adventures in airplane travel: Today's episode: traveling with an elderly parent on Thanksgiving Day.

I hate flying. So of course I booked a flight out of town on Thanksgiving, because that's what people who hate to fly do. Pro: it was a nonstop flight, leaving PDX at 0640. Con: I had to take my 78-yr old mom with me. We got to the airport economy lot at 5 am and watched three packed shuttle buses pass our stop. I panicked, ran back to the car, shoved mom inside and raced for long term parking near the terminal. Fuck it, I'll pay the price just to catch the goddamn plane. We got to the terminal with an hour to spare, and to the security gates, where... where are the lines? Nope, TSA is throwing caution to the wind, literally SHOVING people through the turnstiles and scanners. Put your bags on the rollers. Don't remove your shoes! Don't take out liquids! Empty your pockets onto the rollers! Move it! Move it!

Well, we made it to the gate with 50 minutes to spare. And the next day I persuaded a friend to get my car out of Long$$Term$$Parking and park it in the economy lot. I'll pay him back when I see him at Christmas.

[Radical Edward]

I can't fucking sleep. All weekend. Go to bed, toss, turn, read a book, get up and pace, lay back down, toss, turn. I've got shit to do tomorrow dammit and I don't want to be hallucinating when I do it.

Also there is fluid leaking out of my ears, and that's gross. I hope it's not brain juice, and I hope I don't die.

[SweetPea]

I'm officially over Christmas season already. Gah, I hate this time of year.

Also, over my bio-dad. He's recently started up with his random overdramatic emotional weepy crap again.

This time it's "do you think that me and M. (my deceased son) would still be best buddies if he were here today?"

Jesus, dad. I don't frickin know, but somehow I doubt it. If my son was living, he would be 16 this month. No 16 year old is besties with his grandfather, FFS.

Can't. Handle.

[Radical Edward]

Ghost has been staring at me and whining for like 3 days. He's got noms, water, he's been out plenty. He's staring at me right now. We just came in 15 minutes ago from a potty. I don't have a job, so he's got my attention pretty much all day. WAT DO U WANT DOG?

I might take him to the vet. He's got a lot of issues, so maybe this is his way of telling me that he's in pain or something? Ugh I hate not speaking Dogese.

[Jaglavak]

Did you sleep yet?

[Radical Edward]

No. Sometimes I wonder if I'm getting Fatal Familial Insomnia. But now I've got calculus and Java to study and both finals are on Thursday. I will pull through the math but I worry about the Java. Not because it's hard, but because we've only had ONE test so far this semester. If I bomb this for some reason my grade will be ruined. I can sleep over Xmas, it'll be fine.

Now Ghost is laying in the floor right by me, shivering like a retard, when he's got a nice warm doggy bed a few feet away. WTF dog.

ETA: and it's not cold in here at all, for once. I'm wearing a t-shirt.

[AuntiePam]

Originally Posted by Radical Edward

Now Ghost is laying in the floor right by me, shivering like a retard, when he's got a nice warm doggy bed a few feet away. WTF dog.

ETA: and it's not cold in here at all, for once. I'm wearing a t-shirt.

Maybe a vet visit isn't a bad idea. Whenever Sadie acts weird, we worry. She usually only acts weird for a few minutes though, so we haven't yet had any vet visits where the vet says "What's wrong?" and we say "She's acting weird." And the vet says "Sure, I'll take your money."

[Anacanapuna]

@Solfy, Re: Unhelpful spouse

The central problem is that the things that are important to you are simply not important to him. That is, you and he do not share a life; you are living separate lives in close proximity to each other. I know this because, as you describe your husband, you describe me. I have to constantly remind myself that MsPuna is at the center of my life, not in orbit around mine. It's a strategy I've developed that makes our marriage a helluvalot more fun that it used to be.

This came from a frank discussion we had with a marriage counsellor years ago. My wife's comment was: "Puna tells me he loves me, but he doesn't show it. He doesn't do anything that shows that I'm important to him. He doesn't have to like the things I like, but he should at least care that I like them."

She had already tried simply not doing my laundry in hopes that I'd learn to help without being asked; that only resulted in anger and recrimination. She had nagged and reminded and coaxed and pleaded ... nothing worked. I was able to defend myself against any and all accusations and arguments, until that one: She thought I didn't love her. And I knew she wasn't just saying it for effect, she was right -- I wasn't showing her that I loved her, that I valued her, that she was truly the center of my universe.

It's been hard sometimes to remember to do what I need to do; I'm basically a selfish little boy whose mother pampered and protected me until she became overwhelmed by the raising of my younger brothers. I got married to replace the pampering and protecting I lost at a young age. I've had a lot of work to do, and I think I've come a long way, but like an alcoholic, I'll always be a "recovering" spoiled kid.

I'm not saying this is your husband's situation -- there may be hundreds of reasons why he is the way he is. It could be that he's "just thoughtless," a condition that can cause marriages to come completely unstuck. In any event, although he does love you, he doesn't seem to be demonstrating that in day-to-day life, and that's an important thing that needs to be done.

[Solfy]

Originally Posted by Anacanapuna

It's been hard sometimes to remember to do what I need to do; I'm basically a selfish little boy whose mother pampered and protected me until she became overwhelmed by the raising of my younger brothers. I got married to replace the pampering and protecting I lost at a young age. I've had a lot of work to do, and I think I've come a long way, but like an alcoholic, I'll always be a "recovering" spoiled kid.

I think this is similar to my situation, as I explained with the "default" behaviors/attitudes above. Husband's father left when he was ~4yrs old. His mother is awesome - she rocked the role of single mother. She is a caring, compassionate, hard-working woman. She held down a full time job and cared for her two kids and household. (with some assistance from her parents) She's a spotless housekeeper and an awesome cook. Husband spent >2yrs fighting leukemia as a teen, during which he couldn't care for himself or contribute to the household. As soon as he was well, he got a job, and has always taken pride in providing for himself, of paying his own way.

The thing I had to learn to recognize was, to him, having a job is the only thing that is required to consider yourself "contributing." His mother took care of the rest and never expected him to help with laundry, groceries, cooking, cleaning, etc. He took out the trash on Sundays, and mowed the lawn in the summer. That's it. Transitioning to full-time homemaker was not a natural thing for him, and though he's managed, it's still not his default position. I suspect in the back of his mind, though he doesn't recognize it consciously, I've been assigned the role of MIL - the person who is supposed to run everything and never complain.

On my end, I was raised with the notion that you show love for your family by cooking and cleaning and helping out around the house. We were never a very expressive family, affection was shown through clean laundry, scrubbed toilets, and well-cooked meals. So when people spend an entire week sitting around waiting for me to finish the laundry and cook them dinner (since I'm off work and therefore have nothing better to do, particularly while I'm running a fever and hacking up a lung), I get tetchy. (and I come here and bitch; I do try not to, but sometimes I fail)

Recognizing where the attitudes come from is a good first step in changing the behaviors, but as you point out, they don't tend to stay changed. I just traveled for a couple days for work - that did wonders for my disposition, absence making the heart grow fonder and all.

[Anacanapuna]

Our situations sound very similar -- and are probably more common than we realize.

All I can say is that making a conscious decision to make my wife's happiness my top priority has made my life and my marriage better than ever.