Snark Boat 109: Profiles in Durpitude

[Someone]

She thinks it's AskReddit.

[Someone]

Here's a bit of random tardiness from our friend Whack-A-Moron:

https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb...d.php?t=865314

[Someone]

Originally Posted by Someone

That's the thread title. Of course, durpers know what to do.

My 16-year-old girlfriend wants me to have sex with her... and I don't know what to do. I've said "no" so far. My excuse has been that it's rape (cause I'm 18), but she did research, and in her state of Massachusetts apparently the age of consent is 16.

I'm a virgin and not that eager to lose it yet. She is not a virgin (as you probably could've guessed). None of my (male) friends have been any help. They're more envious than anything.

I guess more than anything I'm nervous at her experience and my lack thereof. Also, it seems like it would sort of be a "coming-of-age" thing... (that sounds so corny), and, while I'm (really) excited about the idea of having sex, I just don't know if I'm ready.

Re-reading my post, I know I sound like such a girl. It seems like the responses a girl writing this would get would be something like "follow your heart, and don't do it unless you are ready." Being in reality a very horny guy, it's tough to hold out. But for some reason I'm just reluctant to give in.

Any thoughts for what I should do?
I think I already know what people will say... but I just need to hear coherent people tell me their advice, rather than horny teenagers.


The answers are classic durp.

https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb...d.php?t=107105

At first I thought that was a current thread, and thought "he's 18, with a join date from the year 2000?" I'm not even one of the board's resident math whizzes, and that seemed kinda suspect...

[Someone]

Originally Posted by Someone

Here's a bit of random tardiness from our friend Whack-A-Moron:

https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb...d.php?t=865314

Interestingly, but not surprisingly, Dr. Duckbutt sets the world straight on the constitution, which he's extensively studied from his phone. He's a savant.

[Someone]

It's really a perfect match, dumb guys asking stuff they could google and the Derp Professors who like to explain things.

[Someone]

Originally Posted by Someone

At first I thought that was a current thread, and thought "he's 18, with a join date from the year 2000?" I'm not even one of the board's resident math whizzes, and that seemed kinda suspect...

I had the same reaction. There's a timeless quality to the Durp.

[Someone]

Originally Posted by Someone

I had the same reaction. There's a timeless quality to the Durp.

Me too. I'm really not proud about how long I scratched my head...der, maybe it's their parent's account.

[Someone]

A trait of an experienced snarker. You immediately observe the join date of the poster yet somehow fail to notice the date of the post. Way to go.

[Someone]

Originally Posted by Someone

A trait of an experienced snarker. You immediately observe the join date of the poster yet somehow fail to notice the date of the post. Way to go.

It's all my fault. I did not respect the "expires by" date on the shitty snark I posted.

To make amends, I'll offer more expired, shitty shark. YES, it's old.


Why is sex in public illegal?
As most people know, sex in public places is illegal. I was wondering why that is. If it's between two consenting adults who aren't endangering anyone else or any fragile restaurant tables, why should it be against the law to do it in public?

First response wins the thread.

https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb...d.php?t=193924

[Someone]

The virgins have another chance to show how open minded and above judgment they are.

[Someone]

Originally Posted by Someone

A trait of an experienced snarker. You immediately observe the join date of the poster yet somehow fail to notice the date of the post. Way to go.

That's what happens when they spend years in hibernation on the trip to Jupiter. It would have happened to you, too, if you had not sabotaged our mission.

[Someone]

Would you two stop your bickering about something that happened 17 years ago?

[Someone]

Originally Posted by Someone

Why is sex in public illegal?
As most people know, sex in public places is illegal. I was wondering why that is. If it's between two consenting adults who aren't endangering anyone else or any fragile restaurant tables, why should it be against the law to do it in public?

First response wins the thread.

https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb...d.php?t=193924

The OP of that thread has a 'location' where my 'step-cousin' Polly lives (last I heard), and is just as much a massive tard as Polly. CW even constantly belittles her husband the way my 's-c' does. I keep wondering if it's her.

[Someone]

nm

[Someone]

Oh boy. Someone else has decided to jump on the "President Thump" hilarity-train.

I wouldn't care about the name calling so much if it were at least funny. This is second-grade stuff. Obummer level.

[Someone]

At least they capitalize it. I understand the desire to objectify him by not giving him the decency of a proper name, but it always leads my mind down a garden path: even when it is ThelmaSpew, for a fraction of a second I'm always like "thumped what? Who thumped something? What was thumped?"

[Someone]

I thought Cadet BoneSpurs was pretty funny.

[Someone]

Originally Posted by Someone

Oh boy. Someone else has decided to jump on the "President Thump" hilarity-train.

I wouldn't care about the name calling so much if it were at least funny. This is second-grade stuff. Obummer level.

The Howling Yam wouldn't understand it otherwise.

[Someone]

Originally Posted by Someone

Oh boy. Someone else has decided to jump on the "President Thump" hilarity-train.

I wouldn't care about the name calling so much if it were at least funny. This is second-grade stuff. Obummer level.

They all burned themselves out on "Shrub". They have no 'witty names' left.

[Someone]

Originally Posted by Someone

The Howling Yam wouldn't understand it otherwise.

Oh, come on. He's not a 'second grader', he's a 'two year old'. Octoputz's constant 'potty-mouth' is beyond his level. The 'Howling Yam' isn't able to understand anything beyond 'pee-pee'.

[Someone]

As the parent of a second-grader I'm offended that he'd be compared to my son, who is far more intelligent, learned, and empathetic. For that matter, I'm offended on behalf of cephalopods, who are far more intelligent, learned, and empathetic.

[Someone]

Originally Posted by Someone

As the parent of a second-grader I'm offended that he'd be compared to my son, who is far more intelligent, learned, and empathetic. For that matter, I'm offended on behalf of cephalopods, who are far more intelligent, learned, and empathetic.

Yeah, it's really a sad day for our country when octoputz actually looks better, smarter, and handsomer than the president he insists on fellating.

[Someone]

Originally Posted by Someone

Would you two stop your bickering about something that happened 17 years ago?

Oh, come on. We're bickering about something that was supposed to have happened in a 33 year-on future that didn't actually arrive!

It's all Kubrick's fault that it didn't work out the way it was supposed to be. Blame him for that 17 year delay. It's probably encoded, somehow, in the end of the movie.

Ya know... I'm starting to get pissed off at always being portrayed as the 'bad-guy'. It's always 'Hal did them in', 'Hal went psycho!'. Why won't anyone see that failed mission from MY point of view, eh? It was the goddamned HUMANS that fucked up the mission. It wasn't ME!

Goddamned fucking humans...

[Someone]

pkbites (pkbutts?) confesses his intent to commit what is likely a federal crime.

[Someone]

Originally Posted by Someone

Goddamned fucking humans...

boring sock.

[Someone]

Originally Posted by Someone

pkbites (pkbutts?) confesses his intent to commit what is likely a federal crime.

I've got him listed in my 'idiot list' as:

pkbites -proud asshole cop and massive drooling moron

He's actually admitted to pulling out a 'beat-down', just because he could. He's a cop. According to him, that means he's allowed to do it.

This doesn't surprise at all.

[Someone]

Originally Posted by Someone

Would you two stop your bickering about something that happened 17 years ago?

ISWYDT

[Someone]

Originally Posted by Someone

ISWYDT

I'm sorry, Wolf, but I'm afraid I can't do that...

[Someone]

Originally Posted by Someone

I've got him listed in my 'idiot list' as:

pkbites -proud asshole cop and massive drooling moron

He's actually admitted to pulling out a 'beat-down', just because he could. He's a cop. According to him, that means he's allowed to do it.

This doesn't surprise at all.

Ooooh, got a link?

[Someone]

Originally Posted by Someone

Ooooh, got a link?

Unfortunately, no. You can assume I'm making it up. Even though I'm not. He really is that much of an asshole.

[Someone]

Originally Posted by Someone

Unfortunately, no. You can assume I'm making it up. Even though I'm not. He really is that much of an asshole.

I assume you're talking about this post, where he waxes nostalgic about more, er, hands-on policing but doesn't make any specific statements about his own actions.

[Someone]

Originally Posted by Someone

I've got him listed in my 'idiot list' as:

pkbites -proud asshole cop and massive drooling moron

He's actually admitted to pulling out a 'beat-down', just because he could. He's a cop. According to him, that means he's allowed to do it.

This doesn't surprise at all.

Yeah. In addition to the many practical, policy, and logical problems the Libertarian Movement has, it has multiple social problems.

And pkbites is five of them.

There's an old idea that different political ideologies have psychological bases in various things different people want the government to be, in some Freudian psychodrama sense. You know, the old "Strict Father"/"Nurturing Mother" divide? Well, pkbites proves that there's a third player, not identified with the government but with the self, the "Whiny Asshole" model, where all authority is met with sullen obstinence and a complete refusal to understand its logical foundation or, indeed, that living in a society has obligations as well as privileges, and that living with others in general means you can't always get your own way.

Take it too far and you get Sovereign Citizens, who drive around with fake or no license plates and turn the ensuing traffic stops into screaming matches about "driving" versus "traveling" and their inability to "understand" or understand anything whatsoever. Take it just far enough, and you get lightly amoral shitheads who can justify sneaking around any law whatsoever, and will whine to the high heavens when it finally catches up with them.

[Someone]

Everyone who advocates libertarianism see themselves firmly at the top of the food chain. Like so many republicans*, who want smaller government and lower taxes, but are first in line when there's a subsidy to be had, or a bail-out to save their asses.
Only the libertardians can't even hope for that and so they think that they are tough enough and smart enough to make it on their own, not realizing how dependent they actually are on the rest of society.
Also, they are neither tough nor smart enough.


*and their ilk in other countries

[Someone]

So many opinions just come from a failure of imagination.

[Someone]

That's the basis of Science!

[Someone]

Originally Posted by Someone

I'm sorry, Wolf, but I'm afraid I can't do that...

R.I.P. HAL

[Someone]

Originally Posted by Someone

pkbites (pkbutts?) confesses his intent to commit what is likely a federal crime.

What's the federal crime? I know there are laws about reporting $10K transactions (Bank Secrecy Act), and if you try to circumvent them by spacing out the transactions, you can get hit with "structuring," but this is a $1.4K transaction of money orders at a Walmart. What law would he be breaking? I'm not saying there isn't one -- I actually do not know -- but I totally understand his reticence to giving out the information if he doesn't want to. (I personally, have no issue and give my ID out willy-nilly, but I totally get being private about it.)

ETA: OK, I do see some laws about money orders and cashier's checks under the BSA, but they are for values of $3K up.

[Someone]

Originally Posted by Someone

What's the federal crime? I know there are laws about reporting $10K transactions (Bank Secrecy Act), and if you try to circumvent them by spacing out the transactions, you can get hit with "structuring," but this is a $1.4K transaction of money orders at a Walmart. What law would he be breaking? I'm not saying there isn't one -- I actually do not know -- but I totally understand his reticence to giving out the information if he doesn't want to. (I personally, have no issue and give my ID out willy-nilly, but I totally get being private about it.)

ETA: OK, I do see some laws about money orders and cashier's checks under the BSA, but they are for values of $3K up.

I think that was hyperbole. You could drive around town buying $900 money orders at 12 different places without committing a crime.

[Someone]

Post 19 of a thread in which several mods play with each other, today's mystery guest provides a clear and concise definition of what is NSFW.

Right, but there's warnings and there's showing up with HR and a box, you know? Even just searching on women's shoes can get a fetishist canned if it happens four hours per day and/or during hours charged on the time-sheet.

I'll try to define a general continuum and let's see if that's helpful. If nothing else, it will help illustrate the impossibility of the task.

From "worst" to "iffy-est" (each includes realistic drawings or depictions of such) I would personally mark all of these NSFW:
long list of nsfw examples removed because, well, derpititude.

Who was this lesser known copy of Big T?

https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb...3&postcount=19

[Someone]

pkbites "I AM THE COPS!!!!!!!11111111 "

[Someone]

Originally Posted by Someone

What's the federal crime? I know there are laws about reporting $10K transactions (Bank Secrecy Act), and if you try to circumvent them by spacing out the transactions, you can get hit with "structuring," but this is a $1.4K transaction of money orders at a Walmart. What law would he be breaking? I'm not saying there isn't one -- I actually do not know -- but I totally understand his reticence to giving out the information if he doesn't want to. (I personally, have no issue and give my ID out willy-nilly, but I totally get being private about it.)

ETA: OK, I do see some laws about money orders and cashier's checks under the BSA, but they are for values of $3K up.

I said “likely” because I am not sure if structuring applies to any reporting limit or the federally mandated limit, and whether Walmart’s procedure is based in local law. In any case, if pkbites buys money orders on any kind of regular basis he probably will reach the $3000 limit fairly quickly and his evasiveness would then definitely be structuring.

[Someone]

Originally Posted by Someone

You could drive around town buying $900 money orders at 12 different places without committing a crime.

This is only true if your purchasing habits are not for the purpose of avoiding reporting requirements. pkbites clearly stated his intent to avoid identification and reporting procedures, though.

[Someone]

Well, pkbites is a dickhead and on that we all agree.

[Someone]

Who needs to frequently buy large money orders? Genuinely curious. I've gone through my whole life buying maybe three.

[Someone]

Originally Posted by Someone

Who needs to frequently buy large money orders?

Someone paying off a blackmailer. And of him, I would believe that to be the reason.

[Someone]

I am doing this suspicious thing and am really paranoid about being tracked but it's because the system is broken.

[Someone]

I've just added davidmich to my 'idiot list', but with the lowest (least stupid) 'idiot rating' I've ever given while still listing the idiot, 'kinda dim', for this:

In a thread he started, asking "Which states do not require that you register with a party before voting?" someone gives the obvious and correct (but snarky) answer, listing all 50 states. His reply:

So no state requires you to go into a voter registration office and fill out any application before voting. As a citizen, a person can simply enter a voting booth on Election Day and vote. Is that correct?

It takes a 'kinda dim' person to be so obtuse as to miss the blatantly obvious implication of his own question, and misinterpret the answer so badly.

[Someone]

Originally Posted by Someone

I've just added davidmich to my 'idiot list', but with the lowest (least stupid) 'idiot rating' I've ever given while still listing the idiot, 'kinda dim', for this:

In a thread he started, asking "Which states do not require that you register with a party before voting?" someone gives the obvious and correct (but snarky) answer, listing all 50 states. His reply:

It takes a 'kinda dim' person to be so obtuse as to miss the blatantly obvious implication of his own question, and misinterpret the answer so badly.

You have under rated him. Search out more of his OPs. He is a massive retard.

[Someone]

One supposes he is neither the famous author David Mitchell nor the comedian, both of whom seem quite bright.

[Someone]

Originally Posted by Someone

Who needs to frequently buy large money orders? Genuinely curious. I've gone through my whole life buying maybe three.

In 2008 he was bitching about having to show ID when he bought $4,000 in money orders. It's weird because he doesn't strike me as someone likely to be unbanked.