Update On Life As I Know It

Not much to say, but when has that ever stopped me? It's supposed to be outrageously hot tomorrow (97-102 predicted) which is a tad obnoxious for May. I need to find a way to pass the time tomorrow which won't drive me or the boys mad. Actually, #1 son is going to Summer Camp for the day (it's a festival/rock concert) which I am not happy about due to the temperature, but he's 20 and it's his funeral. Let us hope it is not truly his funeral.

I have some gardening to finish--I'm spreading Poor Man's Mulch(cardboard) over the east side of the backyard in an attempt to get rid of grass. This lot is just under an acre and damn the lawn is huge. It's slow, hard work, but I'm almost finished. I am planting the new bed as I go, and so far it's turning out well. The astilbe are starting, and the iris are just finished. The daisies are in full bloom. The one peony there didn't bloom; I shall have to adjust it. Thing is, I'm thoroughly sick of building this bed, even as I'm glad to be doing it. Don't ask me--apparently I am the queen of conflicting feelings (or is that conflicted feelings? I never know).
Frankly, I am tired of tending to the garden which I know cannot be true, so it must be that I'm overwhelmed somewhere else in my life. My garden has always been a refuge and mainstay of my mental health. Somehow this year, it all seems too much. Maybe it's the lack of spring we had (or winter) or (more probably) the lack of fun I've had in the past months.

I really need to Do Something about that, but what? I can't afford much. I am already taking an Art class that does a lot for me. There is only so much time in the day or week for leisure. I hope this summer will be better with #2 son in summer school and #1 son working almost FT. Daughter is living and working in Boston, but will be home in July for about a week.
And that's it really. That's what's really bothering me--July. July is my birthday. I turn 50. I am struggling with this--I struggled with turning 39 for some ridiculous reason and here I am again doing it. I feel like it should be commemorated or recognized in some way, but there is this as well: the twins would have been 54 this year. We share the same birthday (purposely by my parents--I was induced). I know that my parents won't call or recognize my actual natal day because of this. Every year it hurts, but what can I say? It's too much to ask of them. And then I think that someday soon, they won't be here, either, and how guilty will I feel for this resentment? I am starting to hate my birthday-Freud would have a field day...

The financial situation is both better and worse. I've become more accustomed, but the funds are as worrisome as ever. I have been canceled a great deal at RNwork. Dadwork has ended for this week, at least (thank god), but it's going to start up again as soon as my dad sends me more stuff. But he has already told me that it will end by the end of this year. And then what?
And then what, indeed...