Reckoning

I got some distressing news this evening that I am attempting to handle differently than the last time I got distressing news. Again it's money related. Again it's TH (but not all TH-I must be to blame too, but how?). Again I should be kicking myself for not being more assertive with him re The Money. But I will say this in my pitiful defense: I asked him repeatedly over the course of our marriage where we were financially and if we could afford X or Y. Could we please have a folder where all the big financial stuff is either kept or at least tracked. TH, being an accountant, can keep whole spreadsheets in his head. I am practically retarded when it comes to math and need it all written down and referred to and updated.

I've never been much of a one to just waste money on frivolous shopping etc and it was me who said no to the kids about whatever (ask me someday about the $60 Cinderella nightgown from the Disney store...). But I know I wasted money as well--or rather, I was careless with money. Don't worry your pretty head about it, indeed.

But it is rapidly coming to my attention that it would seem we never have lived within our means, which strikes me as damned odd since in his "glory" days, TH made six figures-not high six, but six is six. We live in a middle class suburb-a step down for me, who grew up in an executive estate bedroom community. Our house cost $106K in 1987. We did buy new cars, but not always and not often. We did go on vacations, true-TH's family never went on vacation and that was important to him to make sure our kids had vacas. And we did add on to the house, but not to the financial extent that I am now very VERY aware of.

Maybe it's me. Maybe I just finally "got it". I dunno. But how can you pay on a first mortgage (fixed rate, btw it is a variable rate-a very low rate, no balloon-it started as a fixed, but changed when we refinanced) for over 20 yrs and STILL owe over half on it? And about the same on our 2nd mortgage (to build the addition).

I get that there's interest and there's principle, but damn. It's like we hardly paid a damned thing.

We had divisions in this marriage: I did the kids, the health, the grocery, the feeding, the cleaning and the clothing of us. He did the finances and investments and paid the bills/balanced the checkbook (I am math dyslexic or whatever it's called-you never want me in charge of money).

But I sitting here, absolutely baffled by this. WHERE DID THE MONEY GO?

I know none of you know, it's a rhetorical question. 3 kids, eye surgeries, ear surgeries, hospital stay or two, braces, knee injuries, lessons, instruments etc aren't cheap, but....but...


So I made some brownies and am going to do some Art and then go to art class and slowly it will sink in that I must work until I die--to live in a house 1/4 the size of the one I grew up in, to never travel overseas again, to keep driving my 13, 14, 15 year old car, to eventually have to eat dog food from cans.

What happened to my life?


Then again, compared to some, I am incredibly fortunate. But even knowing that, I am still facing some major things that I either could not or would not face before. This is not where I wanted to be at almost 50. Not at all. And yet, here I am: 3 jobs and no hope of financial security for years, if ever. Oh, yeah-and I'm alone, too. And getting a crepey neck and saggy jaw.

Hmm. How long should the violins play at this pity party? I can't change much or most of what faces me, so I might as well accept it and just get on with living. Sound and sage advice-never have to worry about me losing my center or going off the rails. Solid, dependable Rigs, that's me. Prudent, reasonable, sensible, practical. Good ole Rigs-chugging away, making life better for other people all around her. Yeeha. Whoopee. Yay.

Could someone tell me this, though? Is there a reason to get up tomorrow? What's the fucking point of all this?



Lousy night. Could not sleep despite bone deep exhaustion. Anxiety is a vicious, nagging creature. When you're young and distressed, a good cry helps-even if the problem is completely unchanged by the crying. This is no longer true at age 49. In fact, I can't even cry about this. I'm more numb than anything else. I suppose the only thing for me to do is to continue fiddling while Rome burns, but every now and then a building blows up and I stop fiddling for a bit. That analogy is less than apt because I am not sitting around doing nothing. But it all seems a futile waste of time. Is this why people escape into drugs or alcohol-despair? I wish I could; it'd be easier. Right now I need to find yet some more strength--not to fight--but to simply get up and do my daily round. I see that 13 people have read this. I can only imagine what, if anything, the snackpit has to say about my whining. This is more than whining, really-this is me watching helplessly as a my world is dismantled. TH is due here today. We need to Talk.

10/24 Talk is over. I actually feel much better. I'll never be a numbers person, but there's no denying bank balances and known expenses. Does this mean all's good and no more worries? Far from it. But it's a known known now-and that is huge for me. Lately I've been catastrophizing lots of things. I am not sure if this is due to my not all that stable status or a sign of the times or both. I do know I lose perspective much more quickly now, but perhaps that's because I have so many more balls in the air. Whichever, whatever, I know I'll be here again. Writing it out (whatever "it" may be at the moment) really helps me identify the crux of the problem and what I need to do. So, watch this space! for more angsty stuff and navel gazing. One last thing: I don't see why TH couldn't have done what he did today at any point during our marriage. The arguments we used to have over this stuff! And yet here it is today on a platter for me to see. I will never understand him.

12/10/11: Dismantling a life sucks. My mother used to say at least we were able to keep the house while I was growing up. She never said anything else--like it might have been better for us to live in a more modest home and yet have a happy family, ours hardly being the Brady Bunch or even Married With Children--but I now understand her POV a bit better. I have not lost the house. Of course, I could still do so, but we won't think about that now. I'll do all I can to keep it, if only because staying here is less disruptive than moving would be. Then again, once #2 son is finished with HS (and he doesn't start there until 2012), there is no reason to keep the house, except that it is my home and I love it. I will do what I can to keep it for the next 4 years and then perhaps, PERHAPS, I will be able to stay. If I'm not dead from the 3 jobs and stress.

Thing is, it may be American and shallow to say this, but my life is no longer fun. Hell, it is sorely lacking in fun, not that it was a barrel of laughs prior to this debacle. Please don't talk to me of women who carry water 5 miles etc and cannot feed their babies. I am more sorry than I can say for them and do contribute to various charities. But enjoying my life surely is not a self-indulgent matter? Being able to have time off and relax and take a vacation or two is hardly demanding royal treatment or unrealistic. And yet, here I sit: no funds to do so, but desperately needing to. Make your own fun! Yeah. Bite me--I've been making do like that for some time now. I had to do it in my teens due to my mother never having money for extras (all the while we lived in a house with 7 bedrooms) because Daddy Dearest played control games with the child support (mine and my brother's). I had to do as a Young Married due to us just starting out. Then I had to do it because too much materialism is bad for kids. After that came TH's descent into entrepreneurial madness and he lost us a cool $100K. Yes, PISSED IT AWAY ON SHITE IN ONE YEAR OF SELF-EMPLOYMENT.

So, here I am--middle aged and back at the base of the fucking mountain. I might have some anger issues about this particular topic. I may in fact be slightly homicidal about this. I don't like guns, but let us all thank god there is not one in the house. I have no clue how to use one, but it looks real simple on the TV and all....

Just kidding! Can't afford to go to jail, so that's not an option. Plus, I'm not that vindictive. But every time I start to feel quasi-guilty or the littlest bit bad about how I treat TH, I try to remember that $100K. Couple that with his lost salaries from "I've learned a lot and THIS time the business will take off!" happening twice (first the 100K and then again 3 years ago), is it any wonder I have a slightly jaundiced eye for men in general and TH in particular? When he pulled this crap again, that's when I drew the line. But no sooner had we agreed to do separate that his father (a rock in my world, I assure you) became ill with cancer. Even I can't dump a man while his father is dying of CA. So we put it all on hold and now it's all catching up with me.

My dream was to live quietly in a certain community, have kids, give back and attempt to matter and travel. Joke's on me: I don't live where I wanted to (although I love this house, so I'm mostly ok with that), my kids are almost grown and gone, I do give back, but not as much as I'd like to be able to, and I can't afford to travel anymore. Not much of a life, really. It could end with nary a whimper from anyone, including me. And so more of my dreams are deferred in order to maintain other people's stability. True, this time it's for my kids, but even that is wearing a tad thin...