I hate the person I have to share an office with

[Doyle]

I hate the person I have to share an office with here in New Orleans. She’s 61 years old and still sports a Farrah Fawcett hairdo. As I’m typing now, she’s laughing to herself which is nothing more than an attempt to get me ask her, what’s so funny? When I don’t bite, she usually tells me anyway and it’s never in the least way humorous to me. She’s a tall, skinny smoker with one of the worst New Orleans (Broolynish) accents you’ve ever heard. Mix that with her chronic smoker’s cough and it’s about all I can stand. After the earthquake in Japan she said. “We really need to help those people because God hasn’t punished us yet for dropping the atom bombs on them in WWII.” I hear words of wisdom far too much here. Get me the fuck out of here!

[Solfy]

I have access to chemicals and a working knowledge of toxicology. I'm just sayin'.

[Doyle]

Just get me back to my old office. I managed to get my schedule where I'm here only Mondays and Tuesdays. If not, I'm not sure if I'd take the chemicals or give them to her.

[Jaglavak]

I'm more the mechanical type. Crossbow at 100 paces on a dark night.

[severe delays]

Kill her with fire?

[Lungfish]

Feed her to the alligators in the bayou.

[Salambo]

I have a silver hammer.

I can also supply Solfy with more fun chemicals (quick, easy access to over 200 gallons each of xylene, toluene, and other fun etcs) if she runs out, if you wanted to go the whole "nuke it from orbit" route.

Otherwise... Huh... What else have I got laying around here... Coupla screwdrivers, rubber float, vice grips... Oh! I've got some hot mud! It would suck to be covered in that! Yeah, get it all up in her hair! Haha, lady! Neener!

[Solfy]

Originally Posted by Salambo

I can also supply Solfy with more fun chemicals (quick, easy access to over 200 gallons each of xylene, toluene, and other fun etcs) if she runs out, if you wanted to go the whole "nuke it from orbit" route.

We've got more than that of all of those out back on the drum pad.

I was thinking more along the lines of sodium cyanide in DMSO slipped into the insoles of the shoes. NOT THAT I'D EVER CONDONE SUCH A TERRIBLE ACTION OR CONSIDER DOING SUCH A THING, EVEN IN A JOKING MANNER. Killing people is WRONG.

[Doyle]

She's doing that hackers, gurgly laugh again. Make her stop.

[teela brown]

Originally Posted by Doyle

She's doing that hackers, gurgly laugh again. Make her stop.

Sounds very ick indeed.

At least she doesn't spray perfume on herself like a previous nearby co-worker did. She bought some nauseating grocery-store brand of Tropical Hork body spray and saturated the area with it. Thank god that bitch was eventually fired.

[eleanorigby]

Confide in her that you like to look at pictures of dead people. Or that you dumpster dive for dinner. Something heinous that will gross her out and stop her from trying to become your Friend At The Office.

You might try telling her that you're obsessed with Farrah Fawcett and that IF she wasn't dead and rotting away in the ground now, she'd look a LOT like Ms Coworker. Try spraying spittle when you say this. Oh, and leer at her and look her up and down.

Let me know how this works (so I can try it with one of my coworkers).

[SoylentPopTart]

She's hot and you can barely contain yourself?

[Solfy]

Originally Posted by teela brown

At least she doesn't spray perfume on herself like a previous nearby co-worker did. She bought some nauseating grocery-store brand of Tropical Hork body spray and saturated the area with it. Thank god that bitch was eventually fired.

Oh man, there's an admin assistant in my wing. Her perfume permeates her office and everything outside of it for a 10' radius. When she goes down the hall she leaves a vapor trail. She varies the perfumes, but they're all screamingly potent. If I had to share an office with her, I'd have to either ask her to stop or kill her.

[Salambo]

Originally Posted by Solfy

We've got more than that of all of those out back on the drum pad.

Yeah, I forget sometimes, you guys probably have acetone on tap. Still, you ever need an extra trickle, I'm happy to help!

I'm not subtle. I like big kersplodes. Bigger.

[Jaglavak]

Stop taking showers and recycle your laundry.
For a month.

[Parthenokinesis]

Originally Posted by Solfy

Oh man, there's an admin assistant in my wing. Her perfume permeates her office and everything outside of it for a 10' radius. When she goes down the hall she leaves a vapor trail. She varies the perfumes, but they're all screamingly potent. If I had to share an office with her, I'd have to either ask her to stop or kill her.

I had to complain to my boss once about Coconut scented hand lotion. That crazy bitch would not stop with that hand moistening. Now a couple of my monsters have hand sanitizer on their desks. That shit ruins a room.

[Wolf Larsen]

Something strange about perfume. The really hot women wear either no perfume or subtle scents. It's the uggos that really pour on the "Midnight At A Brothel".

This must mean something.

[eleanorigby]

I've noticed the same trend in men. I think you are on to something, Wolfie.

[Wolf Larsen]

I hadn't thought about it, but I think you are right about the guys too. I can't think of a counter-example.

[Jaglavak]

That's it! Get yourself some 'Corral No 5' with boiled essence of musk ox or something, and splash it on until your eyes water. Then slather on some Coconut Supreme hand lotion. Just before you go to lunch, spill half the bottle in a trash can while she's not looking and bolt for the door. With any luck the fumes will have knocked her out by the time you get back.

[Wolf Larsen]

There is a remarkably cheap perfume called "Wicked Wahini" that will corrode the hide off of a rhinocerous. I would never ever suggest that you dump a bottle on her chair. That would be wrong, that's for sure.

[Solfy]

Originally Posted by Wolf Larsen

Something strange about perfume. The really hot women wear either no perfume or subtle scents. It's the uggos that really pour on the "Midnight At A Brothel".

This must mean something.

Originally Posted by eleanorigby

I've noticed the same trend in men. I think you are on to something, Wolfie.

The use of cheap perfume/cologne is a highly evolved olfactory warning system that tells attractive and aware members of the species to GET AWAY! FAST! and serves to attract those on a more level socioeconomic playing field.

[Uthrecht]

Are you saying that the commercials have lied to me about Axe Body Spray/Wash/De-Lousing Agent?

[Wolf Larsen]

So I should ditch the Hai Karate I've been hoarding all these years?

[Wolf's lip trembles]

[Solfy]

Originally Posted by Uthrecht

Are you saying that the commercials have lied to me about Axe Body Spray/Wash/De-Lousing Agent?

Depends. Are you looking to hook up with a woman who goes through one aerosol bottle of Designer Imposter Giorgio per week?

Originally Posted by Wolf Larsen

So I should ditch the Hai Karate I've been hoarding all these years?

[Wolf's lip trembles]

Now now, Wolf. There's someone out there for everyone. What's important is that you attract a person who is compatible with you. You go ahead and slap on that Hai Karate in lieu of showering, and you go out there and get yourself the woman you deserve!

[THespos]

Originally Posted by Wolf Larsen

There is a remarkably cheap perfume called "Wicked Wahini" that will corrode the hide off of a rhinocerous. I would never ever suggest that you dump a bottle on her chair. That would be wrong, that's for sure.

Holy shit this made me lol. Thanks.

"...corrode the hide off of a rhinoceros." Totally fucking stealing that one...

[teela brown]

Originally Posted by Doyle

She's doing that hackers, gurgly laugh again. Make her stop.

We used to have an old, wizened, ancient secretary who worked here. She was no more than about 4' 10" or so, and skinny as a rail. I think she shopped in the children's section for clothes.

She was also a very heavy smoker. I've never heard a deeper, rumbly, deathly cough than from her. To hear her without seeing her, you'd think she was a bass-voiced Amazon. But no, she was a tiny thing, and the coughing wracked her whole body.

She abruptly "retired" one day and we never heard from her again.

[Chacoguy]

Originally Posted by Wolf Larsen

So I should ditch the Hai Karate I've been hoarding all these years?

[Wolf's lip trembles]

Go for the gusto and have a Schlitz as well.

[Andrew Jackson's Hair]

pop that bitch right in the trachea with youre first two knuckles and watch her suffocate on here own blood

[Scuba Ben]

Originally Posted by Wolf Larsen

There is a remarkably cheap perfume called "Wicked Wahini" that will corrode the hide off of a rhinocerous. I would never ever suggest that you dump a bottle on her chair. That would be wrong, that's for sure.

That would be incredibly wrong, of course. For starters, think of the chair! It would damage a harmless chair!

[The Futility of Nihilism]

Originally Posted by Andrew Jackson's Hair

pop that bitch right in the trachea with youre first two knuckles and watch her suffocate on here own blood

Man, you know that's just wrong.

Doyle could hurt his knuckles doing that.

[maplekiwi]

Originally Posted by Wolf Larsen

Something strange about perfume. The really hot women wear either no perfume or subtle scents. It's the uggos that really pour on the "Midnight At A Brothel".

This must mean something.

Ha! Not true! Years ago I worked with a very attractive young woman who used to pour El Cheapo Stawberry perfume over herself - to the point I felt like I had swallowed it!

[severe delays]

Originally Posted by Solfy

The use of cheap perfume/cologne is a highly evolved olfactory warning system that tells attractive and aware members of the species to GET AWAY! FAST! and serves to attract those on a more level socioeconomic playing field.

Hmmm. The perfume I use is incredibly cheap but it is also incredibly subtle. Am I a skank or classy?

[Solfy]

Depends on whether it's actually subtle or if you just think it's subtle because you've burned out your mucus membranes with it.

[eleanorigby]

Originally Posted by severe delays

Hmmm. The perfume I use is incredibly cheap but it is also incredibly subtle. Am I a skank or classy?

Next time you wear it to work, look behind you--are the passengers in various stages of semi-consciousness? Are tears streaming from their eyes--BEFORE you start forward motion and they are not yet in fear of their lives?

If so, you have too much scent on. Go wash.

[Guinastasia]

Try pouring THIS into her waste basket. (Link NSFW)

[NoClueBoy]

give her a Watchtower

[severe delays]

Originally Posted by Solfy

Depends on whether it's actually subtle or if you just think it's subtle because you've burned out your mucus membranes with it.

Originally Posted by eleanorigby

Next time you wear it to work, look behind you--are the passengers in various stages of semi-consciousness? Are tears streaming from their eyes--BEFORE you start forward motion and they are not yet in fear of their lives?

If so, you have too much scent on. Go wash.

No, it's actually subtle. And scent doesn't work well if you put too much on anyway. You need just enough for it to have a party with your body chemistry. Too much and it will be all perfume and no party.

[Wolf Larsen]

If someone has to be a little closer than polite conversational distance to smell it, then it is subtle.

[Wolf Larsen]

Originally Posted by Solfy

Depends. Are you looking to hook up with a woman who goes through one aerosol bottle of Designer Imposter Giorgio per week?

Now now, Wolf. There's someone out there for everyone. What's important is that you attract a person who is compatible with you. You go ahead and slap on that Hai Karate in lieu of showering, and you go out there and get yourself the woman you deserve!

I dated the Wicked Wahini gal off and on for years. On a camping trip the bottle of WW broke in her suitcase. I think the skunks were running for cover.

[severe delays]

Originally Posted by Wolf Larsen

If someone has to be a little closer than polite conversational distance to smell it, then it is subtle.

You'd pretty much have to be nibbling my neck.

[Tug]

I have been at my new job for 2 and a half weeks now. This is my first civilian job in 5 years (I had a business in between).

I'm a floating medical secretary right now. This week I've been at a family practice. Let me just take today:

One girl is talking about how she needs to refill her Valtrex prescriptions. Then another goes "Ooh...I'm out, too, or else I'd just give you one of mine again." WTF?! Does the whole MFN office have Herpes? If I had it, I Damn sure wouldn't flaunt it! Or talk about it at WORK! It's the Herp, not the Honor Roll.

We had a patient who was about 800 lbs with various body odors. This bitch asked what that awful smell was and started spraying. Who the hell does she think she is? This man had ulcers and was bed-ridden. He was only in there for a surgical consult! No flipping compassion or respect whatso. Did she really find it necessary to be that big of a douche?

Then, as she's "training" me, she tells me repeatedly what to press...like obvious stuff, like pressing enter. It's data effin entry. I get the concept of making the same designs on the computer that I see on the paper...holy mother.

Other than that it's having to hear the abundance of shit they talk about their coworkers (myself included probably, as if I gave two), and how awesome or fucked-up their significant others are. I would throw myself out the window, but the second floor isn't high enough.

[Charles D. Allen]

Originally Posted by Wolf Larsen

I hadn't thought about it, but I think you are right about the guys too. I can't think of a counter-example.

Brut. It was the Axe of my day.

I went to college with a guy who thought splashing on some Brut was an acceptable substitute for a shower. And by "splashing on" I mean handfulls of the stuff. He would do this for several days in a row - no shower, splash on the Brut, marinate, repeat.

[maplekiwi]

Originally Posted by Tug

I'm a floating medical secretary right now.

Great name & post combo!

[Clayton_e]

I have a coworker that I share an office with that is a smoker. I don't really care, most of the time, about smokers. I'm an on again off again smoker myself (just never at work). But damn this lady and everything she touches smells like burning pits of lung tar mixed with sulfur and bile. She smokes cheap cigarettes from the reservation here, and that may have something slight to do with it, but damn, it smells rough. Thankfully on the days she's in I can spend 90% of the shift out of that particular office room doing other things.

[Clothahump]

Get a Hannibal Lecter poster like this one. Frame it and hang it so that she will be looking right at it. Gush on and on about how hawt you think Hannibal is and how totally misunderstood.