Single and heartbroken once again

[tar503]

My boyfriend of over 2 years left me Sunday before last. For nearly two weeks now I've been in a miserable funk. We lived together, spent every day together, and for many months before we started dating, he was my best friend here where I live. Now since that Sunday we haven't said a word to each other and it's killing me. I was so head over heels in love with this man... I thought we were gonna be together forever. We weren't married, but I was looking forward to it within another year or two. I wanted to raise kids with him. I loved his family, and they loved me like one of their own. My family way out in Oregon really liked him and he liked them as well. Everything was going right, I thought, and was so excited because at 29 years old, I thought I had finally found someone I was going to be with for the rest of my life, after having a string of unsuccessful relationships where I am always the one left broken hearted.

And here I am again. I can't function. It sounds overly dramatic but honestly I am in a deep emotionally fragile state, heading towards depression. I had to take medical leave from work because I just can't do my job with the mental state I am in right now. Luckily I have several weeks of medical leave paid at 100% by my company, but I still hate missing the work. I saw a counselor twice this week, and we're starting to work through some issues.

I miss him so, so much. Every day that has gone by, I've wanted to go to his house and beg him for another chance. Every night I go to bed alone, and I sob myself silly, to the point where I am exhausted and can't cry any more, but I still can't sleep. Every day is a struggle, every little task and chore feels like climbing a mountain. I've been heart broken before, I've been left by guys who I really wanted to stay with. But this time feels different. We were only together just over 2 years, which is not that long I know compared to the decades long relationships that many of you have... but it felt like so much longer.

I don't know what to do. I'm going through all the motions, doing all the things that I know should help me feel better. I'm spending time with friends. Persuing interests. Getting counseling. Sharing my feelings with family. Getting real exercise, running/jogging/walking, several times a week with a friend. Cooking healthy food. And so forth. But it all just feels so fucking hollow without him in my life. This time I honestly wonder how I'm going to get through it. It's just so hard. I know that sounds melodramatic... and I really want to feel better, get back to work, and move on with my life... but I had never loved anyone as deeply and purely as I did in this relationship.

In the past, my happiness was more with just being in a relationship itself, being in love with being in love, and not so much the person. But after my last break up, I learned about codependency, and thus learned more about myself, and how I could be a better boyfriend and actually have a healthy relationship... and I finally did. And now here I am, single again and wondering how it all went wrong. I loved him with all my heart, and while I was far from perfect, I think I did a good job and I'm proud of myself. Normally I blame myself to no end, and always find an enormous amount of faults and regrets. This time, I have very few... and yet here I still am, alone.

This has already ventured far into TLDR territory, so I'll cut it off. Thanks for reading. I'm just venting really, but would love to hear any advice you may have. I've heard "it'll get better" more than enough times to last a lifetime, but feel free to tell me that if you want. There was no big fight, no argument. Just a discussion where he told me he didn't want to be with me anymore, didn't find me attractive, and didn't think he could make me happy anymore, and he wasn't happy either. And no amount of discussion or pleading would make him give us another chance.

[Detroit Hoser]

Oh wow, that's really tough, Drew. I'm sorry. "It'll get better," isn't exactly a platitude, though, it's the truth. It just sucks while you ride it out.

You know where to find me if you need to vent, okay?

[PSXer]

sorry

if you get lonely, you can always PM me

[Khampelf]

I'm sorry this is such a tough time for you, Drewtwo99.

[JackieLikesVariety]

I'm sorry to hear it - things will get better, in time.

[Anacanapuna]

You're grieving, but you probably already knew that. There's a cycle, and you have to go through the cycle. And nothing anybody says is going to make it better; the healing has to come from within. The hardest part is the first part -- letting go. But you've probably already heard that from your counselor.

So let me just do what ol' Puna always does for the heartbroken, the downtrodden, and the deeply disappointed:

{Drew} <-- HR-appropriate virtual hug.

[Wolf Larsen]

That sucks. My deepest sympathies.

I do have one concrete suggestion. Really pushing yourself on the exercise can help.

[Pere]

Sorry for your loss. Hope you are and keep on mending. Life is not over.

I liked seeing the mention of cooking healthy food, and exercise. I definitely agree that these things are huge for mental health. Were it me, I think I'd want to hike some miles of rugged wooded mountain trail. Get away from people for a day, exert, breathe... let some things go.

[EmilyG]

Sorry to hear that this happened. I hope you'll be feeling better soon, though I know these things take time.

[Solfy]

I'm sorry, drew. Keep going through the motions, putting one foot in front of the other. Take care of you.

[Marmalade]

Urgh, sorry you're going through all that. Doesn't matter if it's the first or 101st time you've been dumped, it still hurts like a sonofabunnyrabbit.

Something that's helped me and others I know in the past is to pick a goal that is feasable but will take a fair amount of time and effort to achieve. A friend of mine picked a date to run a half marathon, and she made it. After his divorce my BF went back to school to become a medical technologist. I learned to drive at age 30 (don't laugh) and took a solo roadtrip from PA to NC.

In any case, lots of luck, good wishes, and messageboard appropriate {{{}}}'s.

[Mustard Stain]

That so sucks. It feels like you've got a brick in your chest, I bet.

One thing that kind of helps is to find something totally and completely new to do for awhile. Like take up a new hobby, especially if it's social. A friend of mine took up ultimate firsbee when his wife left him. Never something he was interested in before, but it was so completely different for him, he kind of got in to the whole newness of it. Another buddy of mine took up axe throwing. No, really. There is a "battle axe" club where they have targets that you throw axes at and they tournaments and stuff. He said it was so totally weird, that it helped him with his break up.

[tar503]

Thanks for the kind words and support everybody. I have set a goal for myself to lose 30 pounds in ~15 weeks or so, which puts me at 2 lbs per week which is healthy weight loss. Between the running and the eating healthier, I should be able to achieve that relatively longish-term goal.

As far as taking up new hobbies, I'll try and see if there's something that I can do.

Thanks again everybody.

[Mustard Stain]

Originally Posted by drewtwo99

As far as taking up new hobbies, I'll try and see if there's something that I can do.

Aim for something that you never thought you would ever try. You'll be so out of your element and your comfort zone that a lot of energy will go into resolving that. It helps to take your mind off sadder stuff.

Like if you are really not mechanically inclined, take a basic mechanics course. Something that will really challenge you.

[The Devil's Grandmother]

Losing two pounds a week, is a hobby. At least all the things you have to think about makes it seem like one.
I'm sorry to hear of your woes. The first month is always the hardest. I hope things get better for you soon.

[Jaglavak]

I'm sorry to hear about your troubles, drew.

Originally Posted by drewtwo99

I have set a goal for myself to lose 30 pounds in ~15 weeks or so, which puts me at 2 lbs per week which is healthy weight loss.

Suggestion; that means missing two days of eating per week, and eating salads the other five. Which is going to have you at rock bottom blood sugar for the duration no matter how you do it. Just at the particular time when you can least deal with the resulting effect on your mood. Thus setting yourself up for drama and failure. There's no big hurry anyway, the last thing you need is a rebound relationship. I'd plan on taking a year at least.

[SmartAleq]

I'm with Jag, you should never put a time limit on weight loss. You've already started the work with better eating habits and exercise, that will get the losing weight process going and it would be best if you DO NOT add an obsession over your weight to your already depressed feelings. Being told you're not attractive to your partner is a gut punch and of course you're going to want to go all out to prove him wrong and show him just what he's missing--but don't. Do good things for yourself because it's the right thing to do and the rest will fall in line. I also endorse the "do something brand new and totally weird" idea because it helps keep your brain from running endlessly on the Hamster Wheel of Despair.

I'm so sorry this happened to you and that you're feeling bad--I'm sending you positive energy and a big hug. <---also not a terrible idea

[JimNightshade]

I dunno what to say


If you ever come this way ( I am kinda over yonder), I will cook you the bestest meal you ever had, and my spare room will be available.

Sorry to hear of your troubles.

Have you tried disco shoes?

[tar503]

You know I've always thought I could learn more about cars and get more mechanically inclined. When the apocalypse comes, they probably aren't going to have much use for seismic data processors, but if I can understand an engine and basic mechanics, maybe I'll be able to be useful enough to live! I have a friend who's into cars and such and might be able to help me learn some stuff. It'll be way out of my element but yeah, sounds like a good idea.

As far as setting goals for losing weight, it's a positive achievable goal (not a time limit). I understand that some of you are saying it's going to add to my stress and possibly make me more depressed, but I am sure that it's something that I can handle. I've lost weight before (and kept it off for a good long while, took a long time to gain it back) and I know I can do 2 lbs a week quite easily without making myself miserable. I won't obsess or get depressed if I don't meet it (that's the difference between a goal and a limit), but the number one advice that anyone will give you when losing weight is to set goals and to give yourself a reasonable time frame, which I am doing. And it's not about making anyone jealous or making him want to be with me again. It's something I should have been doing all along and I don't know why I've let myself gain this weight back over the past 5 years. So I'm doing it for me.

[eleanorigby]

Grieving a loss, any loss, is WORK. Remember that. Exercise and stay involved with people etc, but also give yourself moments where you can breakdown and cry or scream etc. It's a balance: simple, but not easy to achieve.

One thing that sounds completely whack (when I heard it I was quite about it), but works is this: when you feel yourself starting to suffocate from the loss (others consider it drowning--whatever image or metaphor works for you), say out loud (you can whisper it so you don't look a freak on the bus or the store), "pain, pain, pain". Doing so takes the experience out of your amygdala (emotional reactions) and into your frontal cortexes (intellectual processing). It almost literally creates a buffer in your brain so that you are not physically overwhelmed by the feeling of loss.

I have used it any number of times over the past 2 years. It's not a miracle drug, taking your pain away, but it does provide a small, slight breathing space where all was blackness. Try it--it can't hurt and may help.

Good luck. One day, one hour, one minute at a time.

[SweetPea]

I'm sorry for your pain, drew

A loss, any loss, sucks. Be kind to yourself. {{{more internet-appropriate hugs}}}

[tar503]

Thanks for the tip @eleanorigby. I'm going to give it a try and see how it goes. *pain pain pain* Also, you are right that it is a lot of work and I have to keep putting the effort into getting through it, even if it's hard (that's what work is). And I do have alone time each day where I break down and cry, and my counselor says that is good for me. Not that I'd try to hold it back even if I could.

[missred]

I'm sorry to hear that, Drew. Hugs.

[pickle berry]

First of sorry to hear about your loss.

Originally Posted by drewtwo99

But it all just feels so fucking hollow without him in my life.

That's because life is hollow unless one gives it meaning and you lost one of your biggest ones. In time you'll find new meanings* like others have said. And in the meantime it's ok to feel hollow, it's a valid emotion, just don't let it overwhelm you.

*Not even necessarily another partner.

Originally Posted by Jaglavak

There's no big hurry anyway, the last thing you need is a rebound relationship. I'd plan on taking a year at least.

I'll second this. I've taken a 13 year hiatus and I'm totally over that bitch now.

[Pere]

Originally Posted by pickle berry

I've taken a 13 year hiatus and I'm totally over that bitch now.

Um... I find two years is more than sufficient.

[Marmalade]

Took me a little more than 8. Everyone's mileage hella varies for this one.

[Pere]

Originally Posted by Marmalade

Everyone's mileage hella varies for this one.

Indeed. I don't mean to make light of anyone's emotional processes here.

[eleanorigby]

Absolutely. It took me almost a decade to get "over" the loss of 2 of my sisters (they died 4 years apart). And while I don't think there should be time limit, it's possible to get stuck in grief (not you, drew), so there is a "happy" medium to be found, but that too is idiosyncratic.

I find I have to say "pain" 5-7 times in a row, followed by a deep breath. I, too, am experiencing a bit of a loss myself (details not important). I try not to wallow, but I do allow myself the indulgence of melancholy songs (besides, peppy and exuberant songs are like nails on a chalkboard to me at times). They help, too.

[The Futility of Nihilism]

That's a bummer, Drew. If it helps, I think you're an alright guy.

[eleanorigby]

Disregard the title to this article (I am very leery of things that promise to "make me happy"), but the information in this article is solid and practical.

HappyRituals

And frankly, this "There was no big fight, no argument. Just a discussion where he told me he didn't want to be with me anymore, didn't find me attractive, and didn't think he could make me happy anymore, and he wasn't happy either. And no amount of discussion or pleading would make him give us another chance." sounds really cruel on his part. It may not be a case of wherever did I go wrong? whatever did I do? but more one of he couldn't handle a genuine relationship or was afraid of his own feelings or even he was in this relationship for something else (unknown and unknowable) and he didn't find it.

Even if he no longer found you attractive, there is no reason to say so. He's already causing severe, surprising pain. This was over the top.

Don't forget anger--it can be lifesaving. You have a right to be angry at being treated this way (just don't get stuck there...). I hope you find your way.

Breathe.

[Pere]

Originally Posted by eleanorigby

Even if he no longer found you attractive, there is no reason to say so.

Well... such things may sometimes be an effort to head off a great "amount of discussion or pleading," and get the hard part over with. If there's still thought to be a basic attraction, some people will be inclined to put great energy into working on other factors, or at least arguing that they can.

[eleanorigby]

To me, that's salt in the wound. You're already rejecting your former partner, why rub it in? It's up to X to walk away as cleanly as he can. He had already said it all, no need for napalm. Drew was already receiving the message that the attraction had gone, no need to draw a line under in blackest ink. YMMV.


Here's one of my favorite quotes (for drew):
"Human beings are really very fragile, emotionally and spiritually, and need to keep a certain private space around their deepest selves where they feel they can be in control against any invading force. If you can feel later that there was at least one part of your deepest self which was untouched by this destruction, you'll find the healing will take place more easily."---Susan Howatch from Scandalous Risks (a novel)

[Marmalade]

Clickbait title aside, that is a good article. Learning that "good enough is good enough" was one of the hardest lessons I ever had to learn, but one of the most rewarding and "label negative emotions" works wonders for stopping panic attacks for me.

It may not be a case of wherever did I go wrong? whatever did I do? but more one of he couldn't handle a genuine relationship or was afraid of his own feelings or even he was in this relationship for something else (unknown and unknowable) and he didn't find it.

Yes, but he made it clear it was over and at least he didn't offer any false hope of reconciliation, and he didn't try to pin the whole mess on Drew. So his problems are now no one's ... problem but his own, and that frees Drew up to focus on looking ahead, figuring out what next, instead of looking behind, wondering what he did wrong.

[Inna Minnit]

Wow. That sucks, Drew. Feel free to vent here.

[maplekiwi]

Sorry Drew!

[boomerwang]

What helps me in dark times is the kind of Zen/Buddhist perception stuff. It's gruelling when you're already struggling, but it gets me back into a healthy mindset more quickly. Just things like really notice how you breathe, really start taking notice of your footsteps, your gait, consciously noticing the present moment in ways we tend not to.

Also, in moments where I can't not be angry at the person, I write a nasty (attempt at comedy kind of nasty) song about them. Or a disgusting limerick. It helps to vent, keeps some perspective, and cheers you up.

Having said all that, everyone's wired up differently and you can only try stuff and see what works for you. Good luck.

[tar503]

Hello everyone.

Just checking in. I've read all the posts, and the article shared. Thanks so much for all the advice. It is really helping.

I invited him over last night to talk about things, see how he was feeling, tell him how I was feeling, etc. It was a productive, if not painful, exercise. He opened up more about what he was going through, and I shared with him how I had been feeling and what I wanted and all that. After reflecting on our conversation, and feeling really really bad and guilty about some of the bad times that he reminded me of that I had forgotten, I spent time on the phone with my mom, my best friend, and my therapist even let me get a special phone session with her this weekend. It all ended up being very helpful, and helping me realize that while I'm not perfect, I don't need to blame myself. I will miss him so, so much, and that pain is going to be around for a long time, but I know that we are just at different places in our lives, he has changed since we started dating, and I literally am not the person or the thing he wants or needs in his life to make him happy.

I have kept in close contact with his mom, who is like a second mother to me, and she tells me he has a lot of growing to do and hopes that at the very least we can remain friends, and possibly make things work when we are both ready. She was a huge fan of me and thought we made a terrific couple. I have my own growing and reflecting to do, and won't be ready for any sort of romantic journey for quite a while. I think we will both come out of this stronger and happier people, in the end. My heart is broken, but I'm still alive, and I do think I can make it through this.

And to address one point, about the not finding me attractive anymore, the way he said it was not hurtful and it was not spiteful. It was actually said under extremely sad emotions on his part, and I didn't take it very badly at all. You could tell when he said it that it was a very difficult thing for him to say, but I was asking and wanted answers and he gave them to me. It was sad to hear of course, because I think he's the most attractive person in the world, but he was being honest, even if he is confused. Those of you who say that he's probably not sure what he wants and so forth are absolutely right. This is his first ever long-term relationship breakup. He's young, a lot younger than me, and has never experienced what we experienced together. His lack of perspective is probably a huge part of why he fell out of love and didn't want to try and make things work. I'm not going to pin all the blame on him, but obviously we are just in two different places in our lives and unfortunately that means losing him, but it will be for the better in the long run.

Thanks again everyone.

[eleanorigby]

Ah, context is everything. Glad you've got RL support and have gotten some perspective on this. I wish you (and him) well.

[Senpai]

My god, i'm so sorry drew. Best wishes for both of you moving forward!

[Clockwork Jackal]

Wow, I'm so sorry you're going through this Drew.

[tar503]

An update for those curious.

It's been almost 2 months, and I'm worse than ever. I am hanging by a thread. I think constantly about suicide, and it brings me comfort. I have been seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist ever since it started. I am exercising and losing weight, as I set for myself, and I am trying to do things I enjoy and things I can be proud of and feel fulfilled by. But nothing feels good to me. Nothing feels worthwhile and honestly I am just tired of living. I really, really don't want to be alive anymore. And the more time that goes by, the more comfortable I am with the idea that I have just lived long enough and I'm ready to end it. I have been on an antidepressant for weeks now, and recently had the dosage increased by my psychiatrist. The doctor warned me at first that suicidal thoughts could increase on them. I don't know though.

I just don't want to go on anymore guys. I've been suicidal and had suicidal thoughts (never attempted, but came close) before, but it always to end insufferable pain. It's never felt like a "good idea" or a comforting thought like it does now.

I wrote some suicide letters to my family today. I also started looking up where I can buy a gun. I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow. I will tell her about all this. And then, I guess it's up to me to keep fighting through this. Maybe I should check myself in somewhere where they can monitor me.

I don't want to live anymore guys. The only thing keeping me alive this long is because I know it will hurt my friends and family so much if I do. And I don't want to hurt them. But that won't keep me alive forever. It's starting to eat at me.

If I suddenly stop posting here... if this is my last post I ever make (not saying that it will be, but I honestly have no idea), I just want you to know that y'all have brought me countless hours of entertainment, and I'm really glad I discovered this community.

[Amythyst]

Drew, I don't pretend to know the pain you're going through right now, but I did go through a serious bout of depression last year. It gets better. You may feel like crap for a long time yet, but this is not the end.

Your location says that you're in the Houston area. Are you able to call your therapist tonight? If not, please call 713-HOTLINE (713-468-5463) immediately. I think you need to talk to someone now.

[Harry]

Are you still reading this thread? If so, that's encouraging because it means you're still hoping someone can talk you out of it. If not, then I'm sorry I came to this too late to do any good.

[Pere]

@drewtwo99

Originally Posted by drewtwo99

I really, really don't want to be alive anymore. And the more time that goes by, the more comfortable I am with the idea that I have just lived long enough and I'm ready to end it.

No way! You're young!

Originally Posted by drewtwo99

The only thing keeping me alive this long is because I know it will hurt my friends and family so much if I do. And I don't want to hurt them. But that won't keep me alive forever. It's starting to eat at me.

If I suddenly stop posting here... if this is my last post I ever make (not saying that it will be, but I honestly have no idea), I just want you to know that y'all have brought me countless hours of entertainment, and I'm really glad I discovered this community.

Well, then don't skip out on us either!

Seriously... there is a future you that enjoys life, who is glad to have got through this. Don't let him down. I know you've got a bad cocktail in your brain right now, making you feel bad, but it doesn't have to be that way, and it won't be forever.

[Jaglavak]

Originally Posted by drewtwo99

I have been on an antidepressant for weeks now, and recently had the dosage increased by my psychiatrist. The doctor warned me at first that suicidal thoughts could increase on them.

Dude. Stop taking that shit now. This is temporary insanity and you will get through it.

[boomerwang]

I have a suggestion that may or may not be helpful: a gratitude list. It has pulled me out of a nasty place. You just write down anything currently in your life that you appreciate. When you're struggling, obviously it's a difficult list to make. I started with anything, however trivial it seemed: coffee, the gecko that welcomes me home every day, that 20 cents I found (it's not the money, it's the principle), that nice smell whenever I walk past a flowering murraya... and I focussed on the list. I forced myself to really notice the stuff I wrote down. Before long, I found that my list was getting longer and longer, and that was my way through it. I'm not saying it's a magical cure, but I think it's worth a shot. Good luck to you.

[SmartAleq]

I killed myself once--I got better but I was actually dead for a bit, had to be brought back. Can't recommend it, there were no pretty lights and people to meet you and all that bullshit. I tried it again a couple more times, never got quite that far again. Thing is, if I'd succeeded I'd have missed out on three grandkids, moving to a new state, finally getting that vicious leech of an ex off my jugular, more amazing sights and cool shit than I can even begin to list. I have a badly wired brain that any time I get down in the dumps and paranoid and anxiety ridden it starts telling me how much better it would all be if I just ended it all, it would be so easy, blah blah blah. I know better than to listen now, because now I DO have three grandkids who'd have to deal with why Granny felt the need to check out like that. How much would THAT suck? So yeah, just wanted to let you know I know where you're coming from and that voice that's sucker talking you is a snare and a delusion. Oh, and don't buy a gun, it's way to easy to leave yourself no room to change your mind. Just sayin'. You can PEEM me if you like in case you want the dead woman's perspective. I'm pretty glad I'm less dead than I once was, alive is better.

[eleanorigby]

I cannot second Chas enough. To start a gratitude journal now must sound to you like the most ridiculous thing, ever--pointless and useless. But it is not. Besides the healing is in the writing and the process.

I am not claiming that keeping such a record will heal you of suicidal thoughts. I am claiming that it will provide you with a tiny breathing space in the smothering void you're in.

Continue to see your therapist. Continue on your meds. And I think we all hope you live in a state where you are unable to purchase a gun, given your state of mind at present.

Normally I would close this by saying "I hope you find your way", but you know the way: therapy, time, allowing others to support you, and not listening to darkness in your soul. I hope you keep to the path.

[Rebo]

@drewtwo99 - I am in Houston. Please PM me. I would love to meet you and talk to you.

My sister succumbed to depression in 1988, and took her own life. I miss her every day! PLEASE don't do anything you can't take back. Others - or as SmartAleq said, future others - NEED you.

There will be joy again.

[Scuba Ben]

Originally Posted by Jaglavak

Dude. Stop taking that shit now. This is temporary insanity and you will get through it.

Wrong answer, Jag.

@drewtwo99: Dude - tell your psychiatrist RIGHT NOW if the suicidal thoughts went up when the dosage did. And don't quit the meds on your own - drop back to the previous level if you must.