And now even the house, my beautiful home, is gone. And I chose to sell it (it hasn't sold yet; it's on the market and mostly empty). How I wish someone had tied me to a tree. I wish I had had someone to really discuss it with; to look at other options before plunging into such a massive change. This is one of the hardest, if not the hardest, things I've ever done. And the irony? TH and I will be having dinner together for the second time this week. Oh, I don't expect anything; I am not pursuing him, but it took burning my life down (for that is how I see this. I have purchased a very pretty prison for myself here, but more on that, anon) in order for me to appreciate what I had. A salient lesson.
I am sitting amidst the detritus of my life, jaw sagging, wondering why I ever thought things were this important. And I was never a status-y person. I didn't need that car or those brand of jeans etc. But I do need to know my role and empty nest has been terribly hard on me. I am not responding to it well, and #2 son has been effectively for 4 years (foreign university, now lives downtown). Do I matter to anyone? Seriously, what is the point to all this? I empty a box and think why not just throw it all away? What difference does it make? So I paint this room that color and make it lovely. For whom? There is no one to see or enjoy it except me. I don't need to make it nice for me. It would be a pretty box, empty of life.

I am concerned about me; I made an appointment for a virtual visit with my PCP on Friday. I have lost my shit and it's not pretty. Can't believe I am dumping all this here... what on earth you all must think of me. I just can't see my way. What do you do when you don't have hope? Anyone have any tips? They'd be appreciated. TIA.

Thanks, DL!

Thanks, DL. I'm just tired and a bit worn out. Heat always does this to me--it shouldn't be a surprise. I literally wilt. Everything seems harder, IS harder. I'd be happy with one month of about 78-80 and call it quits.

Whine, whine, whine....

Yeah. I'm am becoming accustomed and I suppose, resigned. It is not so bad here--I am happy quite a bit or at least not unhappy, which is not a bad thing. But little things seem to really set me back psychologically and emotionally. It is very hard to hear my peers in the community talk about their lake homes and their trips to X and Y. If I had my druthers, I just like enough to live on and TRAVEL-my one passion (besides gardening, but I don't want a hugely expensive garden). So, yes, it is hard to be working 3 jobs now, with no end in sight. The first and second mortgages are still intimidating, but doable, IF I can keep this up. Big if. It is nice to have good people like you on the same bus as I am. Thanks, DL!

Wow! Thank you, Threnody! That means a lot.

Oh, dear. If you loved your grammy so much, you go to Iceland and get her something...

Thanks, Dragon.